Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Nicholas had his doctor appointment again today. The doctor said his break is 95% healed, but he can quit therapy now! We were aiming for 100% but giving the fact that his femur was broke in 3 places we are happy with the progress...Nicholas was a bit discouraged though as he's still limited to what he can and cannot do yet. But I am so so proud of him and how far he has come.
As far as for us and the grieving process...I really feel that we are both doing very well. Don't get me wrong, it's still tough and we miss our children dearly, but we have finally come to feel a peace in knowing we will see them again soon!!
Monday, March 29, 2010
This verse really has been a great reminder for me over the past months and especially now that the Easter season is nearing. This verse goes to show that God's love is not self-centered, and that God's love towards each of us is an amazing example of TRUE LOVE. It amazes me so much that He loves ME so dearly that he chose his one and only son to pay the price of all my sin and then offered me a new life, a life not full of misery or a mortal life, but a life full of eternity.
Over the past few months, I've questioned my life. I've questioned the many things I've done "wrong" and wondered if my life would be different today had I not done them. But to read this verse, I realize...God's not punishing me for my sins. Many many years ago, he sent His son to die for my "wrongs" in life.
But wow, can you imagine??? My life here on earth has been so empty without one of my children here with me.....but God loves us soooo much that He went through all that I am going through without my dear child, for me, yes ME!!! I have to sit back in amazement because honestly knowing what this life is like without Miranda and now Briley I don't know that I can say I love someone that much to sacrifice Ashalyn's life to give them that they could live forever, with no death, no sickness, no pain, and no evil.
God has cried the same tears that Nicholas and I have cried and now He cries with us. But what an amazing love he has for us to send his one and only son into this world and then to die for each and everyone of us....all for the guarantee and promise that this life is not our eternal home.
You know after my surgery on Friday Nicholas and I both agreed that we'd get my tubes tied in the next month or so. We both fear now the worst in any future pregnancies...but that's just us protecting ourselves from our fears....but thinkin' about what this Easter season means.....there is one thing I fear more than anything and that's eternal condemnation. All God wants from me is for me to trust him and put my confidence in him and put Him in charge of my present life so that I can enjoy my eternal destiny with him and my 2 sweet babies in Heaven. And Ashalyn when its her time to go home as well.
I encourage everyone to remind yourself what Easter is about this year. I have nothing against the Easter bunny or egg hunts, but cherish your time with your children and make sure that they also know the real meaning behind this holiday season!!! Jesus Christ went through soooo much in this world for us and all because God has a deep true love for each of us, He too suffered, through the "death" of his son.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
We had a name picked out for a girl, Bryleigh Joy and for a boy we've always had the same two boys names picked out since we found out we were pregnant with Ashalyn So both of those names being gender neutral names we came to the agreement of Briley Jordyn for our sweet baby that awaits us in heaven. Right now our memorial is pending with Short's funeral home where we will then lay our baby to rest right next to sister Miranda, and where one day Nicholas and I will also make as our final resting place. We still are unsure of whether we made the right decision but it was made and we can't look back now. I believe this way we will find more comfort in the healing process.
So to our 2 sweet sweet babies, Miranda Lyn and Briley Jordyn...we love you both tremendously and though we feel you left us way to soon on an early flight to heaven we will remember you always and cannot wait for the day to meet you again in Heaven!! Until then we will continue taking care of your big sister, Ashalyn and giving her extra love and support as she encounters this nasty nasty world and we will always be telling her of her baby siblings!!!! We all love you!!!
I'm actually feeling pretty good physically. I have very minimal pain, but I have yet another empty feeling in my heart. That's the part that takes the longest to move on from. Thank you again everyone for your constant prayers. I think that is one of the few things that continue to keeps us going.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Only problem with NOT doing it my health is then very much at risk? This doctor already gave me the "if this or this happens, get to the ER right away" peptalk. So now it's just deciding what we want to do. We have a few other decisions that need to be made as well, decisions that Nicholas and I dont necessarily agree on. But as for now, I have a surgery scheduled for Tuesday at Toledo hospital. I feel safer I think here at Fulton County though so not sure what's going to happen there. Just lots and lots to think about in the next day or two.
Monday, March 22, 2010
But now all these questions are just running through my mind. I had two healthy pregnancies up until the accident and now complications, so I cant help but to wonder if they relate at all.
Friday Nicholas and I decided it was time to get some answers and we just held our breath not sure what we were going to find out. First we made an appointment to see Dr Vielala, the doctor that did Miranda's surgery. Still a very sweet man, but hard to see him again. This isnt the doctor that bothered Nicholas as he had never met this doctor before. He was always in a surgery when this man came around. I held it together, but those words just those words just kept ringing so loud and clear in my mind when I would look at him.
He couldnt give us much as my records belonged to St V's so he did not have htem in his office. So next we headed over to St Vs and signed out all 3 of our medical records. Between the 3 of us we have a stack of papers over 2 inches thick. It was very interesting to read them all because the hospital stay is still a pretty blurry moment for us. It told us everything up to the exact procedure that was done to our breaks and to how many screws and plates we had and to what they were screwed to. Some of it was more than we could understand but what we didnt understand then our doctor cleared up pretty well for us.
It was hard reading the words of the part on my record about Miranda. And that was the part we needed clarity to, because all the words just didnt make sense to us. During the accident the impact of the trauma I had a 50% placenta abruption which cut off all oxygen to Miranda. I also, unaware of this til now, had some fundal uterine contusions. This is bruising and scarring to the uterus wall. Now, not giving them info about me being pregnant and just getting the news I got, I asked them how this affected future pregnancies. They said it definately puts me at high risk and the liklihood of the placenta tearing away again is possible. With the contusions the uterus may not allow for the embryo to attach properly which in turn could cause the baby to not grow properly, which is what appears to of happened in our case. At this point in this pregnancy all we were given was the baby is small and stopped growing awhile back. So at this point I cannott tell you what's next, Nicholas and I have not talked that far ahead yet. It scares me to even think it. But I got the answers I needed. I still dont have the answer as to WHY but I dont know that I'll ever know or understand in this lifetime.
And in the times like this, I am so thankful that I have the friends I have. I am thankful for each and everyone that has been there just to call me and say, "I'm praying!" Or to lend a listening ear to help me sort through all these emotions. It's difficult to do and without them I'd be in a very very dark hole. I am thankful that this is not my final home and that one day I will be holding my 2 dear babies in my arms all while rejoicing in my final place of eternity.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
But unfortunately, we have to.
Yesterday was the appointment that we both were so so so excited for. We were going to be able to put our mind at ease and hear our baby's heartbeat. We went back, and the student ob came in and took my blood pressure. Talked to me about my concerns. And then took a listen. He kept finding my heartbeat, and at first we'd get all excited. But then he'd move the doppler and continued looking, so I knew it was mine instead. Then he said, well...Dr Fofung is the pro...he'll probably get it right away. So the doctor come in and he too had a hard time finding it...but gave the same explanation we got for Ashalyn..."sometimes if the uterus is tipped backwards, the baby is back to far and you can't hear it." "I'm going to get u scheduled for an ultrasound for Friday or so." And I instantly had tears.....I can't wait 2 more days, so I told him I'm losing sleep over this already. And he could see the look in my face, I WAS SERIOUS! The last appointment for ultrasounds were over for the day...just ending. But he pushed and pushed for us and we got in immediately.
I got the ultrasound tech that I had for Miranda's first ultrasound. During that she was talking to us and just so happy for us. The volume was up for about 2 seconds and she turned it off then when listening for a heart beat. Then she says we're going to have to do a transvaginal ultrasound. Then I knew something was wrong...I'm 16 weeks almost, shouldnt be hard to find baby. So we did the next ultrasound and in the process of that she says, Dr Fofung is going to be coming over. That was the next flag.....SOMETHING IS WRONG. She wouldnt look at us, wouldnt talk to us and when we asked if she saw anything she said she couldnt give us answers unfortunately. Then we waited, waited for the doctor to come give us the final words.
He said he didnt have good news for us. The baby just stopped growing and their was no heartbeat to be heard. Baby is still there in my belly. And my body hasnt delivered it yet, but was not alive. So yet again.....we are going thru a parents worst nightmare. We are reliving yet another death of another child of ours. We just got word about 2 hours before that Miranda's stone was able to be finalized...down to the very last detail. And now we're going to be doing it all over again.
The doctor is giving me a week yet for my body to "deliver" the baby on it's on. Then he wants to perform a medical procedure. The more I think about it the more I don't want this done. I'm pretty good at avoiding phone calls if I want to...so....u better believe I won't be calling him back until I've thought this whole process through. I'm so afraid of living with the what ifs and if onlys. I've done research on this because at the time of him giving us the news, I didn't think of all the questions I would have. And you better believe I have LOTS of questions.
First off, I'm pissed. That an accident 6 1/2 months ago will have an ever-lasting affect on us, emotionally, physically, and now will also determine the fate of the rest of our family. And now, my body isnt capable of carrying another child. I was afraid to try it again for this exact reason...but now....I'm TERRIFIED. And for me to allow them to medically intervene and force me to miscarry this baby on THEIR time....it's just not fair! I'm not ready to come to terms with it yet, yet alone make those decisions without weighing the possibilities. The mother in me says, "dont do it Valerie....you have to fight for this baby. Fight til the end and let this baby come natural." But then they tell me of the risks....the infection is very possible.
We're getting prepared. I'm not sure I completely understand yet, but from what we've been told if I go 4 more weeks it is a law that a funeral takes place. But after 14 weeks (I'm 16) the baby is still cremated, it's just up to us whether we want the cremation or want the hospital to do that and us not be a part of it. It's our decision, i believe. Short's funeral home told us that only a cremation is possible with the size of the baby. But there is room for a cremation down at our plots. Nicholas and I have been working on our will since the accident and it will be stated in there that if we have to use the 2nd or 3 plots for any of our other children that he and I will be cremated but want to be buried in there as well. We never thought though that it may be one of children being cremated instead.
I'm not sure what to expect as far as if my body goes on it's own. Like whether I will be going into labor or not. He did tell me I would experience sharp short pains and cramping. The thoughts and emotions our just raging wild, almost worst than they did at first with Miranda. The shock of Miranda's death took a little to wear off. This was instant....because we already knew. We knew what to expect, we knew what is yet to come, and we knew the hurt and the emptiness we would feel, YET ALL OVER AGAIN.
We got out to the truck and the anger in us both just overwhelmed us. The whole way walking to the truck I sobbed uncontrolably, Nick punched the truck as hard as he could (he now is very swollen). And I just yelled! I mean seriously?? There's no better way to describe it then this sucks!! This baby, this baby helped us heal. It helped us know that one day we will be able to hold our own LIVE baby again. But that was all a dream I guess.
We got home, and thank goodness, one of my best friends was there. She too was bawling when we walked in. She cried too that it just wasnt fair. I am just so thankful for her. She has definately been there for me and especially the last week in a half when she knew I was having a really bad week, she has been amazing. It took a while to sort it all out, but I knew that I didnt want to hug Nicholas. I was afraid to let him close. I still am. It's like a black cloud is following me and it stricks down anyone I am close to. So it's all outta fear. I dont mean to reject him, I just have to build up a wall it seems for the people I love most.
I didnt feel like eating supper, so I skipped...but by evening I was starving for food it seemed. My stomach was growling and I was getting sick to my stomach, just like a pregnant woman. That's what makes me feel like there is a little bit of hope yet that I need to cling to. That says, "it IS okay." Then I'm reminded again of those words. With Miranda I asked the OB at the hospital, "Is there still a chance that she might be alive?" And that's all I can think of now...machine error, something. This CANNOT be real AGAIN.
I mean really, AM I THAT STRONG THAT HE ENTRUSTS US IN THIS YET TOO? That saying, "He won't give you more than u can handle." Well, I dont know who He thinks I am, but can I really handle this?? AGAIN?? I'm still not sure how to handle the death of my first baby...now a second? And maybe/probably the end of the possibility for more?!
I hadn't experience much anger with Miranda's death yet. Anger with certain people because of the way they have reacted to us, yes! But not the anger at God or life in general. But now....that's all I feel. I REFUSE to accept the UNACCEPTABLE! I do. I can't accept this life, this hurt or this feeling of emptiness. All I can do is sit here and think.......NOW WHAT? Where do we go from here? All the decisions? All the emotion? All the pain? And all the hurt? It all starts back over.
Monday, March 15, 2010
All week on vacation I'm reminded of Miranda, her life, the dreams we had for her that are now broken, but am reminded of it not being the end, we will see her again. But I come home and all I have to do is look out our front picture window and I'm reminded of death. I see the undertaker digging the graves, I see funerals, I see families stopping by with new flowers for their loved ones and I see my sweet sweet Miranda's grave. I didnt realize it until we left for awhile and came home. When we are away from home we see the beauty in God's creation, whether we go clear to Lake Michigan or whether we go down the street and notice the sun set on our drive to walmart. But in that, I see Miranda. I see a promise that only reminds me, she's perfect, she's beautiful and she's so full of life and saving a place for me. Yes, me! Her mommy!!! But now that I see all that....looking out my front window of my living room I see "death". I see the end. I see shattered and broken dreams. I see the hurt in my life that so badly I'd like to jump out of. I see the shoes I wish I could take off. And I see a white cross that reads daughter, sister, neice and granddaughter, but more importantly reads my beautiful little girls name.
Miranda means miracle. And we had that name picked out long before the accident. We took grief for the name we chose. Several ppl did not like it. And Miranda Rice sounds like Miranda Rights. We heard it all, but that name still rung so perfectly to us. It fit our little girl. And yes, we truly do see the miracles in this story. We were told that they didnt think Nicholas was going to make it because of his loss of blood. We were told that I could have lost my life as well when the membrane by my placenta ruptured. And we were so lucky that Ashalyn didnt get hurt worse than she did. But I still sometimes don't understand the miracles because it's just not the same without her. I want her to be my miracle.
Still to this day, over 6 months ago, this whole thing messes with me...with us! Just today I went into get snack ready and one of the kids I babysit for started crying and I said, "Ashalyn, let's go see why Miranda is crying". At that split second I thought it really was Miranda. I still go to the bassinet in hopes to find her there. I still "hear" her! I know it's just me "wishing" and "hoping" so badly that it is her. That she was here to hear cry. As soon as I notice that split second was just a dream and a wish that won't ever come true I bawled. I cried so hard then all day because I just don't understand....I can't understand....and I don't want to understand.
People don't understand why it still rings so fresh in our minds and on our hearts. But I can't see it getting better. I know it will. But she will ALWAYS be my little girl. I will always miss her and I will always be reminded of her. With every baby her age, with every leopard print bikini (that was the swimsuit we had pick out for her.....those that know us well, know what picking out the first swimsuit is to us), with every good night kiss to Ashalyn, everything! We are reminded of our Miranda! Our sweet baby girl that was taken from our lives way too early.
My heart weighs so heavy for this new pregnancy. We are so excited but yet so so scared. I have yet to be able to talk about it without a bit of caution. I lay awake at night and fight with my instincts. I fear that this baby isnt alive. All I want is to "feel pregnant" if that makes sense. Feel movement, hear or see a heartbeat, have a headache or even have morning sickness (and trust me...before I wanted nothing to do with bending over the toilet anymore than I had to). I know it's just me trying to protect ourselves. I want to enjoy this pregnancy just as much as I did with the first 2 but most of me is saying to protect myself. Which I know I will regret later. Wednesday I go back to the ob and I'm really hoping to talk to him a little about the stress I'm feeling, the anxiety, and hoping maybe he'll consider an ultrasound to ease my mind. I just cannot rest at night knowing how much I could lose and how quickly it can be taken away. I also don't want to talk about the pregnancy much because I still want to talk about Miranda. Baby number three still probably would be on the way (at least thats what our plans were) had all this not happened so we still planned on this...but it's not as easy with the situations we've been given. I try to take care of myself because of the pregnancy and my little one in there. But I'm finding it more and more difficult to do with the high emotions with everything....dealing with the insurance company, missing my baby girl. The stress level just seems to be raging and it makes it so so hard to control, which in turn makes it seem so much more scary. I don't want ppl to think I'm not excited and I don't want this baby to feel like he/she is unwanted. I love him/her so much already that I can't imagine life with out him/her. That's what makes it so hard. I'm not only imagining life without one, I'm living it and I don't know what I'd do if it happened again.
But back to being here, in Pettisville. We love this town. The communtiy feel. The people. We love it all. But I'm tired of seeing "death". It scares me. I know I'm going to heaven. I know I'm ready to be with Miranda. I know that my time is already picked for me. I know. I know. I know. I know all these things...but I'm still so so so scared to finish this life. The hurt, the tears, and all the other "crap" it just sucks!! Ashalyn fell down the stairs this weekend and my heart about jumped from my chest. I chased her down but couldnt get to her fast enough and had to watch her scream and tumble down an entire flight of stairs. Nicholas and my parents ran too. I'd be okay with not a single worry in the world for my children. I know it's not possible though in this life. I fear reliving this nightmare. So yet again, I laid in bed tonight, not being able to fall asleep and just trying to pray that it's all going to be okay. Trying to remember the waves of lake Michigan on the sand or the sky we noticed on the way home from Buffalo Wild WIngs...and trying to block out the sight of another grave being dug just out our window. Please God, help me close my eyes and sleep peacefully. Just tonight. Just this once. Without being awaken by a paramedic speaking to me in my dreams or another crazy dream that things aren't okay. Just once allow me to slip off into a happy dream, letting me know my babies are all okay!! Thank you Lord for listening to my cries!!
It's still something I struggle with though, being here without her. Our vacation was a vacation, but not a family vacation...we weren't all there together in person. I laid awake still many hours thinking about her, as well as worrying about our other sweet baby that has yet arrived. But I have been comforted a little this week with the promise of getting to hold her and getting to know her in my eternal life!!! I praise God I am a Christian and He gives us those promises!!!!
Friday, March 5, 2010
Then we're off to my parents house at Little Eden Camp in Onekama Michigan. While there we will be enjoying outdoor sledding, scrapbooking, and Mommy and Daddy are taking a date night out to eat and to the casino to play the slot machines!! Going in with only $20 each...hoping to come out with at least that!
First before any of this begins we will be making a stop at the Pettisville cemetary with flowers and releasing some balloons with kisses into the heavens for Miranda. 6 months ago on Sunday she met Jesus and entered into eternity! We love her so much and miss her more and more every day!!!
We have a weekend planned full of fun things and we are so excited to get to enjoy this time together and with our families, however, a part of me is freaked out. Last time we enjoyed our time together it ended so tradgicly, so please please pray for us and for our safe travels. And that I sleep most the way so I don't annoy Nicholas with all the break lights and grief of express driving. I'm a bit edgy in the car now adays and have become a passenger driver. I try not to!!! So, look for pictures to come from our stays!!!!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
However, we get home and what do I find on our answering machine. A call from the insurance company. Our policy was switched to a new adjuster (hopefully a much better one). But now we start all over again. For a few months now I've been trying to get all the details worked out for Miranda's headstone and funeral expenses. As I mentioned before if we want it out at the one year anniversary, which is a huge deal to us, it has to be paid for by end of March. A few months back I sent the quotes to the address the adjuster gave me, but never heard a single word for weeks. I called and come to find out she had me send it to corperate office who probably knows nothing about the case....so "it's probably sitting in a lost mail pile." Then she gives me her Toledo address and guess what, 2 days later it was returned to me, wrong address. So finally it's sent off and now a call saying the policy was being switched to a different adjusters and we would pretty much be starting over with the claims. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like they are trying to buy time for some reason. And its kind of frustrating me. We havent even got an answer yet to whether they will be covering any of it and we will then have to figure out where we're going to come up with the $ for the stone, the funeral, plots and the cement that needs to be poured. I just pray that maybe this insurance adjuster may know a little more about the ins and outs of it and be a little more helpful and timely! That would definately be a huge answered prayer!!!
I love LOVE love our time out with friends and away from the house because it seems like for just a moment we can escape the bills, phone calls, questions and constant reminder of what we "owe" from this thing we never asked for!
The accident was in September. So by the end of October we were looking for whatever we could find to do, after being trapped inside for nearly two months. And at that point we were online shopping, puppy hunting, and just trying to fill a void. So we both seen fit to decorate for our favorite time of year to try and bring a little joy into our home. We decorated and enjoyed it for the time being, but I truely feel we were robbed of Christmas this year. Normally we sing carols together and have lots of Christmas traditions that we carry on. Christmas is a happy time for us. This year it felt as if we just went through the motions and celebrated just enough to get by with saying we did.
We spent much time preparing a mini Christmas tree for Miranda at the gravesite, that we just were never happy enough with. So we went with a grave pillow with ornaments to match our tree that we loved, but didnt replace her being in our home with us on Christmas day. I spent the week before Christmas in the hospital then with my infection from the accident. The hospital had restrictions of visitors at the time because of flu season. So Christmas Eve I layed in bed all night and cried and cried. First I was expected to spend Christmas without Miranda and then they expected me to not see Ashalyn either?? It was the lonliest worst feeling ever! So I fibbed a little about the pain, so I could be released on Christmas afternoon. I was home, but didn't enjoy much of Christmas.
This past Christmas we spent more than we probably could afford and way more than we usually do...but like I said, we had to fill the void for the time being. Well now Christmas is way passed and I'm ready to celebrate. I wonder what ppl in our community would think if we put lights up outside in Feb? Or had our Christmas tree up in our big front window? I think they will think we lost our minds honestly.
So I have to ask, is this a "normal" process of grief? You realize after its gone that you missed out on something? At the time, we were going through the motions so it felt like we were there, but sure did not feel like "Christmas". Are all holidays and every Christmas from on out going to just be going through the motions?? Today, I just feel like it being Christmas. But what will tomorrow bring??
Monday, March 1, 2010
Anyways, my point in this, Nicholas truely feels that if he wouldn't have tried to stand he'd be healed by now. He's convinced that him standing tore his muscles for good. Now we don't have any medical proof to this, but he is convinced that his leg won't ever be the same! We just praise God for the healing that has taken place. The entire way to the hospital he was pretty sure his leg was going to be amputated....so praise God that was not the result. I've been sending up prayers left and right for him today. We need him to return because our financial funds are running low, but I just want him to make a complete recovery and not have to be in the pain he's in. He works in a factory so he's on his feet 8 hours a day on concrete. So I'm praying for as much comfort as possible and that he can continue to heal even after his return!!
I am so incrediably proud of him though. He has had his down days, but for the most part has stayed pretty positive for all he's been through!!! I lvoe you Nicholas!
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