my moments of weakness

I don't know if blogging is what I need right now, but I need SOMETHING. Yesterday was a good day. One thing we notice is that we don't have anything beyond good days all that often anymore. Not because we are depressed but because our lives just aren't complete. A good day with my family should be wonderful, fabulous, etc....but it never will be, because it's just not possible to be complete. We have bad days but never TERRIBLE days. Why? Because terrible is what we experienced back in September. Nothing will ever compare to that kind of terrible. Our GREAT and FABULOUS day will be the day we walk into the gates and our family will be reunited.
Yesterday Nicholas woke me up and we had a wonderful breakfast together. We then went to the butterfly house (which maybe will be another blog) and then out to eat. I had a great time with Nicholas and Ashalyn.
This morning, being mother's day, wasnt going to be anything much different than normal for us. I woke up and had my normal morning routine. I made the mistake of hopping on facebook. I am ever so grateful for all the people that recognized me as a mother today. But let me tell you how hard that was. There were lots of status' to mom's in Heaven that were rather tough on me. I am so thankful I haven't had to experience the death of my mother yet. And I am also very thankful God saved me the day of the accident so Ashalyn had a mother to spend today with....but I'm filled with tears right now, because it's only fair that I could spend my mother's day with all my children.
We knew we'd have to drive seperately to church today because of my responsibilities of Bible School....so with the desire to remain strong I told Nicholas I was headed out. The second I walked out the door I bursted into more tears and I drove down to the cemetary before church. The wind from yesterday had literally destroyed and knocked down the floral wreath and I just needed some time to cry. After fixing the arrangement and replacing it next to her cross...I stumbled my way back to the truck. I was a mess.
For the past few months I've been doing so good. My bad days have become fewer and farther apart. And my good days have gotten closer together and become more regular. People tell me how good I look or how strong I am...so I felt that even today I had to hold that together. I cried the entire way to Walmart. If crying is what you want to call sobbing uncontrollable and catching the cars that pass by in between tears. I pulled into the Walmart parking lot and knew it was time to control myself again....so with a deep breath I pull down the visor to see what damage is done to my mascara...touch it up...and take another deep breath.
If any of you have noticed when you walk into Walmart there is a massive blow of warm air as you walk in the first door. So with that air, I took one more deep breath to fight back the tears. I went about my shopping and right to my left are #1 mom shirts, so I swerve my cart around to the other side of the aisle. I picked up the candy i needed for church and then head back to the pop...and there's the baby section...so I change directions again. Next was the scrapbook section, all while trying to avoid anything that might cause tears today. I was doing pretty good at putting up that guard....but then it was time for church. I walk in the door and the first person walks to me and says, "how's this mother today?" "Pretty good", as I turn my head for a deep breath, to avoid tears. And instantly change the subject to Bible School. Next I'm talking with another mother about a random subject and a pregnant mother just comes and hugs me, so I instantly use another involvement as my breakfree from the tears. And next I'm talking with 2 friends and they too start talking about their children and their complaints of their attitudes, etc....so....yet again I find myself excusing me from the conversation to find someone else to talk to. And that quick, another caring woman in our church just walks up and hugs me. I am so thankful for ALL of these women in my life, that showed me today they care! But how is it possible to remain that strong woman people tell me they admire me for???
So we head into church and the sermon started off about all the types of mothers. Mothers who love their children, mothers who neglect their children, and mothers in Heaven? I don't mean to sound selfish, but what about us mothers who have children in Heaven? That have to spend mother's day here on earth without them? Today I felt that I was in a whole different category as a mother. I'm supposed to still be that STONG woman that EVERYONE calls "MOM" but today I just feel like crying.
The sermon goes on and I don't listen to a single word because I'm still dwelling on all these types of mom's. I fit under the category of mother that loves her children...I feel like I fit under the category of mother that neglects her children, not by choice but because I don't hold them, I dont kiss them goodnight, I dont read to them, I dont bathe, dress, feed them....so why can't I be that mother in Heaven? Why can't I spend my day in Heaven with 2 of my children? AND WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THAT MOTHER that people don't mention on days like today?
Not only then did I have to sit through the sermon with these thoughts....but Miranda's baby dedication was supposed to be today. Ashalyn was dedicated on Mother's day last year and today was the day Miranda would have been dedicated as well. So all the baby's that she would have grown up in Sunday School with....today was their special day! Today was the day that I would have soooo proudly stood up there with her and promised to raise her in a loving Christian home. What better way to spend your mother's day then dedicating your little one to the Lord?
I just cannot say my mother's day was a fabulous day. BUT I CAN SAY, I AM SO VERY THANKFUL for my TWO blessings today.....that I have an amazing daughter that in between my tears can still make mommy smile and still feel blessed and that I have an amazing husband and best friend that allows me to be weak at times and just grabs me and hugs me when I cry.