what the h*** are we supposed to do today?

Okay, so first excuse my language in my title...but honestly today feels like a complete day of confusion and blah-fulness (is that a word?)
Yesterday was Labor day. Today is the day Miranda was born, a year ago. But our accident happened on Labor Day. So yesterday we honored her in many ways. Nicholas walked the bridge and then my father-in-law and step-mother-in-law paid for us to get over to the island. Once we got there we loaded a horse carriage and we toured the island as our small little family. The first actually stop happened to be Mackinac Islands butterfly house. Soft music was playing and butterflies floated so gracefully about. We sat there on a bench together, Nicholas, Ashalyn and I and we cried. And we smiled. And we cried some more. We even laughed some. We then went back on the carriage to the lookout rock and we saw miles and miles of the beautiful great lakes. We remembered Miranda in such a "healthy" way. We had so much fun together as our little family.
And then there is today......the day we should be celebrating as her first birthday! And we had all these plans for the day and this is what we ended up with. We drove to Saint Ignance. On the way we got a very emotional and heartfelt text from Nick's sister, Lindsay! It meant the world to us....but we cried and cried. As soon as the tears began we turned to the right and yet again a mile long opening that followed the great lake Michigan! And it was then a whirlwind of confusion! We want to cry for her, but yet we just had to smile because it was like a little glimpse of heaven from our sweet Miranda. We got into Saint Ignance and the life there seemed so fast paced that it just didnt feel right. We got out for a bit but felt very uncomfortable. So then we choose to leave that town. As we are heading out we find another nice quiet lookout point over Lake Huron this time with a secluded park right along the lake shore. We spent a few minutes where Nicholas and Ashalyn threw rocks into the lake and then found the park. Within the first 2 minutes of being there we ventured down a double slide and splashed right into a huge puddle of water, soaking Ashalyn and Nicholas. We laughed some, but then realized we had no more clothes....so time to head back an hour back to Nick's dad's house. On the way back the wind blew harder and the bad weather picked up. Lake Michigan waves were HUGE, so we pulled off the side of the road and enjoyed that together for a bit. And now we are back at the house where it is pouring down rain. Ashalyn napping, Nicholas sitting in the dark and me blogging.
We talked some and we both have that exact same feeling of...."what the H*** are we supposed to do today." It's been a day of so many mixed emotions, a day of hurt, a day of lonliness, a day of jealousy, a day of laughter (at times), a day of peacefulness, and a day of PURE EMPTINESS.
I think we anticipated this day sooo much, wondering how it was going to go, how we were going to feel, and how we were going to react...that now that it's here WE ARE JUST CONFUSED. It is far beyond our control of understand and comprehending. We are able to talk about our future with our future children, we are able to share memories and stories of our past. But as for today....we just feel....BLAH....CONFUSED....TORN BETWEEN THE EMOTIONS.....and EMPTY!!
WE JUST CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO WRAP OURSELVES AROUND TODAY....YET ALONE TRY TO EXPLAIN!!!