flashback

I dont even know what to say today. It's been a pretty crazy and busy weekend. We had some big responsibilities at our community park fundraiser and we were there about 99% of the time. We were most excited about life flight landing for the kids to peek in...but not just the kids, we were determined to check it out.
I was getting the bird feeder ready for sno cones when I heard it flying over head...the sound of it thrilled me. I was anxious to go meet the crew and thank them. And to see the inside all around me, not just the ceiling from the board in my neck brace. So I started over there to the track and called Nick to tell him they were landing. I headed up over the hill and there it was.......

I FROZE.

AND STARED.

And FOUGHT BACK TEARS.

I hesitated.

And I proceded forward.

Noticed many people around watching me with looks of sadness.

And I couldnt do it.

A FLASHBACK...I was leaving on life flight WITHOUT Nicholas and Ashalyn, begging them to spare their lives and feeling like the worst mother and wife EVER!!

So, i stopped in my tracks and pulled out my cellphone. And i told Nicholas to come immediately I needed him and Ashalyn there to make this trek up there.

So, i stood all alone and waited.

And another flashback...a heartbeat 142.

The life flight in front of me today was the EXACT lifeflight I last heard my baby's heartbeat on.

ANd the tears began to whell up in my eyes...and a friend from the community came up and just hugged me and she cried with me. Then Nick showed and we cried together. And they got a call...so we didnt get to meet them. We didnt get to see inside. But I'm not sure I was ready...or even wanted to. It's a hard thing, that snuck up on us, that we thought would be easy. Who would of ever thought the words "THANK YOU" would be so hard??!! Will the sound of life flight so distant always make us cringe? And will the flashbacks fade with time as we encounter many of these things that remind us of the accident and of our dear children?

I admit, it has gotten easier. But it'd never gonna be gone. We have fewer bad days...but when those days come, they are horrible. The images are terrifying. And the nightmare becomes fresh again. I hold onto the good memories but will never forget the bad.

And by being part of friendship days is just a little bit of a way to say thank you to this AMAZING community we are a part of. Thank you to everyone that asks how we are and to everyone that pulled together to help us out in this time of need. For the prayers and continued support...but mostly a SPECIAL THANK YOU to that special friend today that noticed me frozen in my steps fighting back the tears, that took the time to come hug me and say it's okay to cry...we love you!!