Wednesday, April 14, 2010

And the adventure begins!!

And so this is how our adventure begins..........

As I mentioned before, when we travel to the lake we notice life as a new beginning after it's gone. We see our children and God at work in the beautiful waters of the great lakes, the woods, feeding the wildlife. It reminds us of God's promise to us of life after we "die" eternal life. And then we come "home" and we look out our front window and we see "death" as an end. Nicholas and I have shared many late night conversations (and mid-day) about this. Matter of fact, as I type I look to my right and just out the window they are preparing the tent and the ground for yet another funeral. There are two of them today right outside our window. And then we go back.
We go back to the last day on earth we physically could see our baby girl. And it brings all the sad tears back. It reminds us of the things we will miss out on of her life. And now Briley's life as well. But at the lake we look out the window every more and we notice the beauty God has filled this life with, which is just a glimpse of what one day we will be able to enjoy FOREVER. When thinkin' of these promises and seeing all this our attitudes towards this life are sooo much more rewarding.

So with all this being said, we've come to a fork in our road. Which path do we want to take? Do we let our tragic death consume us and our lives? Or do we find a place that we can "overcome" (to the extent that you can) and live our lives honoring our little ones and more importantly Honoring we can see Miranda and Briley again someday? We feel to do this...our current location isnt working. The funerals and watching them dig the graves on a daily basis brings us to the questions and the wonder whys and questioning of life in general. It brings us down and we catch ourselves just staring out in a daze at the gravestones, which brings upon all kinds of emotion...anger, fear...u name it. It's a bitter-sweet resemblence I guess. We enjoy walking down to her site and placing flowers or whatever it is we desire. But it just has become a place of frowns and tears when we look out our window.

So no matter what we embark on a moving adventure. Whether it be to a country home in Pettisville or even much farther. I'd love to head on back down to Tennessee, but Nicholas does not like the heat. So, I've given up that hope and desire and we just will continue to make that a family vacation spot. With all this discussion in place...a few other things have fallen into place. While reading a book, Nicholas encountered a journey of manhood. It got him excited to be "Wild at Heart." (for those that have read that book understand this journey). It gave him the desire to hunt, fish, and work along side his father. He said that could only be a dream though and a desire. There's no money in that and no way of providing for his family that way. And that's then when I realized how much real my dreams and desires could be if he followed that dream.

My biggest dream as a child was becoming a school teacher. I spent many days in our basement playing school with my sister, and sometimes even with my brother (he'd kill me if I knew I was confessing this to everyone probably). We had school desks that my parents purchased at a school auction. And we even had "homework" mom would copy for us. Then in 3rd grade I had an awesome teacher that just inspired me to no end. She made class fun and exactly how I'd want to run my own classroom. I went off to college for early childhood education. I am all but student teaching away from pursuing this dream. But that's all on hold because of finances. I maxed out my school loans and then life just continued on when I dropped out. So I started to give up on that dream. I love being a stay at home mommy. And I wouldnt trade that for anything. However, I'm willing to step up and be the provider financially so that Nicholas can also do what he wants to do.
He would make money but not the benefits our family needs.

In Michigan, the education is ran a little differently than Ohio. They still require a 4 year degree in education (which i have, just do not have my teaching license because of student teaching). I was able to do an exceptional graduation...graduate...and work with preschool and under (preschool teacher, own/manage a daycare). In Michigan I am able to work in the classroom up to 3 grade (early childhood). And believe it or not, an opportunity up in Newberry has arose for me (5 hours from here, 20 minutes from Nicholas' father). Nicholas could then work with his dad and persue that dream. In high school Nicholas was also able to do this and he tells me all kinds of stories about it and lights up everytime he talks about it.

So now we await. We await a house. We found one that we just absolutely love that was a repo from the bank. It's close to the lake. It's not too far from Nicholas' dad, but far enough that we can escape into our own little time as well, especially if we have ppl that want to come visit or whatever. The price is definately within our reach of paying cash for it after a little of savings...we actually have enough saved up now that we can pay over 30% down if we choose the route of a loan. So financially it'd be a great investment and opportunity for us. We still are waiting for the settlement from the insurance company though so we aren't sure what medical bills we will have etc. when this is all said and we definately are weighing that as well. The church there was sooo supportive of us, with cards, phone calls, prayers, and gifts of gas, flowers, food and money after our accident. I'd say we got a card every week from random ppl from the church that we didnt know....and we still are getting them. They still show their support to us. And when we visited the past two times we've been up there they bring up Miranda. They say they are praying for us...and even 2 ladies, they hugged me! Just a very supportive church family up there. The real estate agent that took us around to the houses on Saturday was standing up at the pulpit on Sunday and singing in the worship team. It's just funny how God has been working.

Nicholas' leg has been given him some problems lately. He's been up late at night with throbs and pain. Mostly since he's been lifted from restrictions. Not sure how standing on concrete all day is going to benefit him in the long wrong. He's pursuing his degree at Northwest state right now, which is a transfer college. So everything he's done and will do will easily transfer to Lake Superior State University or Northern Michigan when the time comes for no more online classes.

Everything seems to be perfect for us. However, there is one downfall in all this. Our family that lives back here. We will be leaving behind family that we cherish dearly. It may not seem like we devote ourselves as much as they would like us to...but we do dearly appreciate all of them and love them all to pieces. My parents are not around here anymore, but my sister and brother and their children. And Nicholas's mom and sisters and children are also around here. We will leave behind some great friends as well. But with technology today (phones, facebook, and how often we like roadtrips) we will make sure not to lose contact!! We love these people too dearly for that. And our house will always be open for ANYONE that wants to visit, reguardless!

This adventure is still all up in the air at this point. We found a house to buy and that we have presented an offer to each other, but will have to see what plays out there. We have lots to clear up here and then we will make our decision based on that. So prayers prayers prayers!! We could use any prayers as we make this decision in our life...and what's best for our family!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Embracing something new!

I guess it's time for another post. I'm going through a mind block right now because it seems like the stories are the same over and over because of our struggles in life. About a week ago, something happened and it brought Nicholas and I so much closer. I don't think it was intended for that, but that's what it did. Nicholas and I kinda put up walls after Miranda's entrance into heaven. We were afraid to let ppl close to us. We have had some wonderful conversations over the past few days and God has opened up some mighty heavy doors for us.
My two sweet babies are up in heaven, enjoying each others company and we will ALWAYS keep them in our hearts no matter where this life leads us. There's a lot up in the air still about our future, but things seem to slowly be falling into place. We wish dearly that Miranda and Briley could join us on these adventures but know they will be with us ALWAYS!!
Check back in a few days and maybe we'll start to switch this blog over to our new adventures in the life we are left with and memories of our sweet children!!!

Monday, April 5, 2010

My mistake

The quote at the end of my last post is supposed to be, "if we can trust Him with our eternity, let's trust Him with our now." Same idea, different wording!! Better wording!!

Jesus Loves Me, this I know!!!

Let me begin my story by telling you a little of what my life consists of right now. First is the everyday things in life, work (watching 4 children besides my own), still working on settlement with insurance company, being mom (that's the best part of my life, but what keeps me most busy) and now getting donations and volunteers for friendship days and Bible school. I have been working so hard the last few weeks on preparing Bible school for over 100 children for the 2nd week of June. Behind the scene stuff I guess, preparing schedules, registration, recruiting teachers, organizing crafts and the curriculum. It's been lots of work and lots of time seeking God.
And I believe Satan is at every end trying to pull me down. The 1st night I was supposed to meet with Amanda about Bible school was the night we received the news of Briley, so I canceled. 2nd night was the night before my surgery....I thought about canceling. And then yesterday I was supposed to be at church for our kickoff to recruiting teachers in the lobby display....and I had to find a replacement for me.
Friday afternoon I had to call my dr. because of bad cramping and clotting. He prescibed me a medication but come Saturday afternoon, I was in sooooo much pain and starting to get dizzy and lightheaded. Nicholas and I debated calling 911 or him just driving me up there. I could barely walk and I was extremely faint. I finally chose to have him drive me and help me out to the truck because we already have several lifeflight bills we didnt need another ambulance one. At this point I was bleeding pretty heavy and in so much pain that the dosed me up pretty good with nubane and toradel (not sure on that spelling). I wasnt very friendly in the emergency room and I will write a letter of apology to the nurse. I still felt the pain and I was telling them I was pretty sure I was having contractions and in labor.
Finally after receiving my hemoglobin count they admitted me to 2nd floor for observation. It was within about 20 minutes of being there they gave me some morphine and I passed what my body had been trying to "labor" out of me. It was left over tissue from my my body went into contractions trying to get it all out. It was not fun. On my way up the elevator I looked at Nicholas and I said, "Either Satan really hates me or God does."
At this point I was so frustrated with all we've been through. Just as I come to deal with it and start living my life at a happy time, it seems like the dark cloud comes back and hovers over me. As soon as I made that comment, Nicholas knew I was down because I just don't think that way he made a phone call to Pastor Brad and got people praying for us. That afternoon I was pretty discouraged, because we had family Easter plans that we'd now miss out on...and I knew I was missing the Bible school recruiting the next day as well as another easter and easter sunday at church.
But it seems like just when I get down I hear something or am somehow reminded of how awesome our God is. Sunday morning Ashalyn and Nicholas came up to visit me. They were there for about an hour, Ashalyn in my hospital bed with me and we watched cartoons together. I started getting sleeping so I asked Nicholas to run to walmart and get me a few things I needed so I could get a nap. They left and I decided to shut the tv off, but at the hospital in order to do that u have to scroll thru them all. As I was scrolling i heard "no matter how difficult your life trials are there is ALWAYS that promise of bigger and better things" So that sermon was for me and instead of napping while they were gone I listened to this sermon directed specifically to me. It was taking place at Dodger stadium so lots and lots of people, but I feel it was directly for me personally.
Our faith has definately been challenged in the last 7 months but I am so excited to say I am a Christian. I couldn't imagine this life without those promises of life getting better one day and then our eternity. I heard a saying this weekend "God gave us the promise of an eternity, so let's give Him the promise of now". So in all our struggles I still want to live my now for Him....and yes He DOES still love me!!!

Our sweet Miranda

Our sweet Miranda


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