Saturday, June 26, 2010


I dont even know what to say today. It's been a pretty crazy and busy weekend. We had some big responsibilities at our community park fundraiser and we were there about 99% of the time. We were most excited about life flight landing for the kids to peek in...but not just the kids, we were determined to check it out.
I was getting the bird feeder ready for sno cones when I heard it flying over head...the sound of it thrilled me. I was anxious to go meet the crew and thank them. And to see the inside all around me, not just the ceiling from the board in my neck brace. So I started over there to the track and called Nick to tell him they were landing. I headed up over the hill and there it was.......




I hesitated.

And I proceded forward.

Noticed many people around watching me with looks of sadness.

And I couldnt do it.

A FLASHBACK...I was leaving on life flight WITHOUT Nicholas and Ashalyn, begging them to spare their lives and feeling like the worst mother and wife EVER!!

So, i stopped in my tracks and pulled out my cellphone. And i told Nicholas to come immediately I needed him and Ashalyn there to make this trek up there.

So, i stood all alone and waited.

And another flashback...a heartbeat 142.

The life flight in front of me today was the EXACT lifeflight I last heard my baby's heartbeat on.

ANd the tears began to whell up in my eyes...and a friend from the community came up and just hugged me and she cried with me. Then Nick showed and we cried together. And they got a we didnt get to meet them. We didnt get to see inside. But I'm not sure I was ready...or even wanted to. It's a hard thing, that snuck up on us, that we thought would be easy. Who would of ever thought the words "THANK YOU" would be so hard??!! Will the sound of life flight so distant always make us cringe? And will the flashbacks fade with time as we encounter many of these things that remind us of the accident and of our dear children?

I admit, it has gotten easier. But it'd never gonna be gone. We have fewer bad days...but when those days come, they are horrible. The images are terrifying. And the nightmare becomes fresh again. I hold onto the good memories but will never forget the bad.

And by being part of friendship days is just a little bit of a way to say thank you to this AMAZING community we are a part of. Thank you to everyone that asks how we are and to everyone that pulled together to help us out in this time of need. For the prayers and continued support...but mostly a SPECIAL THANK YOU to that special friend today that noticed me frozen in my steps fighting back the tears, that took the time to come hug me and say it's okay to cry...we love you!!

Monday, June 21, 2010

a sight to see

Today's story has nothing to do with the adoption, nor does it have to do with our's a story that I just had to write down for Ashalyn some day....and yes, some day she will probably kill me for sharing this...

Today as I was putting all the children down for nap...I looked to Ashalyn and said, "Can you go get your blanket and go lay down?" I then finish putting the little ones down that I watch and go to check on Ashalyn.
There she is, middle of the living room floor with her blanket and she is fast asleep. With just her shirt on. And her blanket over her body...her bare butt up in the air...and snoring!
First, she must of been exhausted because it was literally a minute before I told her to go get her blanket. And 2nd...I hope real soon she gets past this wanting to be naked stage...and 3rd...I couldn't help but to laugh at her. Miss Independant and not a care in the world.
I covered her butt, but let her sleep. 2 1/2 hour diaper...and not a single accident...she woke up and said "potty". I think it's time to fully start potty training. (I can't help but wonder if that has to do with her desire lately to take off her pants and diaper). After our move it will be devoted to potty training. What a ham!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I thank God for this man!

I thank God EVERYDAY for this man! I couldn't have asked for a better husband and father to my children. He is an outstanding example to the man God created to be called a father!! I love you babe! Happy Father's Day! AND THANK YOU!!!

Also, Happy Father's day today to my dad, Wes Rupp and Nick's dad, Lowell Rice!!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Weekend Ride on an Emotional Rollarcoaster!

I had a fun weekend all planned. Thursday night we went to Sauder Village and we pitched a tent. We had a blast. Played on the big playground, swam, and then had a campfire. Nick went early to work and I spent the day with my babysitting kids at Sauder village, the park, the tent and it was sooo stinkin' hot we moved into the village. Then Nick came back, kids left and it was us. We swam, we had fun.......

and then...

an older man says to Nicholas, "you see these gray hairs? I didn't have a single one til my two boys." Nick found it humorous at first...then he says, "how many children do you have?"

"Thr.., Well I have one here with me!"

"You have three? But she's the only that came with you to the hotel?"


"well, I've got all I can handle with these two. Three? Wow!"

And that was that! We went up to the room...and a fun weekend....became a weekend full of tears. An empty ache in my heart. We had a room that overlooked the pool and from our room we heard and could see the families all together having a blast. And I noted something that tore me up. I saw a baby, about 10 months old, sitting in his stroller abotu 10 feet back from the pool all by himself, awake and watching his mom and dad (I'm assuming) and big brother swim off in the distant...away from him, and no attention on him what so ever. Stuff like that tears me up inside. I try to avoid it, but that's the things that hurt the worst. I'm not saying they were bad parents for leaving him there strapped in his stroller....I'm just saying how much I would give to have my 10 month old in the pool with me. Or what we would give to have our children be all that we can handle and not have to encounter these questions or conversations.

I don't blame these people, they don't know. They have no way of knowing. But we spent the time in the hotel room full of tears and just wasn't a good fun we packed our bags and decided we were supposed to be home for the night. We went and checked out early (we didnt even sleep in our room) but we were willing to sacrifice that to try and bring ourselves to a happy place again. I went to check out with red, puffy eyes, feeling pretty silly. And Nick went to go load the truck. Believe it or not they actually refunded us our money and it was about that quick the tornado sirens were going off and we were being sent to the basement...and being thrown into a gathering room FULL of families on vacation having the time of their lives. And then there were Nicholas and I...set back along the wall trying to avoid further conversation with many of these families for the fear of them being able to read through our smile, but puffy red faces.

And sat next to us was a family of 3 girls. Caucasion parents and African American children. There was an adoption convention being held at the Inn this weekend. Many of the people we were surrounded by were families of adopted children. How much more can God throw at us in getting the point across that all that love we are bottling up because we cant give it now will some day be possible to share!?!

We ache and we feel so empty during times like this, but then are reminded of our child that we are praying for will need all this extra love, extra attention, and extra care. But now we just need to pray for our patience. We see this is by no means a fast, quick process. We see the building blocks that we can/will encounter. And we see the emotions we will go through. We are very anxious and need patience. So today we ask for prayer for patience in this journey. Patience as we wait to bring our baby home and for a peaceful heart as we walk the journey of a broken family.

Needless to say when we were able to leave, we were already checked out, so we still came home...and we camped out in the basement together as we awaited the next storm they were calling for. We finished up a campout at home and had a blast. And we just realized that sometimes our journey gets hits rougher spots than normal but are always reminded that God is in control and he'll work out the details. We may have to pack up and remove ourselves from certain situations but He is the one that knows what/where we need to be!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Butterfly bloggers

Today I feel honored and renewed to have found a blog by butterfly mommies, anchored by hope. Mommies that also recognize what we are experiencing and still look to God in the midst. Moms that call themselves Butterfly mommies! And those that know me, know how touching and true to my life that is...and ironic I guess!! And more so...YET ANOTHER GOD STORY!!! How true is it that our God is amazing?!?!?!?!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I am pleased to announce....

We have fully been approved for adoption!!!

Well, I guess I should say we have advanced on to the next phase. As people there has been no doubt of Nicholas and I as parents I guess. Our application was approved!
With that letter we were thrilled...but also overwhelmed already.

The emotions that play into this have hit hard. While reading of our different options we learned of 387,000 open cases in the United States of families and children awaiting adoption. That makes me so sad. I don't know how we will ever be able to say no to any case that comes our way when hearing those numbers. Just out of curiousity Nicholas and I clicked on some of the "waiting children" profiles and we wish we were millionares. We wish we had room for several of them. We wish more people would open up their eyes, hearts and homes to this large number.

But we know that adoption just isn't for everyone. And that is something we are learning faster than I ever imagined. The response from people saying "that's just not for us, but we'd love to help out in anyway we can". Honestly when we sent in our application fee of $250 we knew that was just the beginning. We knew there would be chances for grants once we had our home study. But we also knew we were in a long financial journey...and then it all began.

Just this week we got our first financial responsibility....$3500 to enroll in the first class. They don't hold your spot until you make the payment and it only goes to the first 15 couples. Then $2500 for the next class. And after that then we can apply for grants.

At first, a little overwhelmed we got our heads together and started brainstorming different ideas. We were given a list of fundraisers...but I am finding it hard to ask for money for my with us not really caring for many of the fundraiser ideas...we came up with some ideas that we know are more our style and fit into the things we love to do as a family anyways. Our first event is going to be a parents night out. I got an overwhelming response to this, but mostly for seperate groups that we will host on different nights. Ashalyn loves LOVES loves to paint and we love to do it with we are doing a paint party and movie at our house while the parents can enjoy a night out without the kids! Can't wait for that!!

Next we will be hosting a yard/bake sale where we will be going through our house from top to bottom and getting rid of any unneeded items. We have been debating doing this anyways because of the "living with little" theory of getting out of debt. I have had several people contact us already with donations to our sale. We are very grateful to people for that. So if there's things you need, come on out when we have it...there will be lots of good items. We are even going to sell our one car...going to a one car household for the time being. I stay home during the day so anytime I drive somewhere it's when Nicholas is home from work. And when we bring our baby home we will need a bigger vehicle anyways!

And all know how much I LOVE to coupon. With every shopping trip my savings is usually at least $50.00. So we have a coupon savings fund that we are starting...all the savings I generate I will then write a check to our adoption fund for half of that amount. So really we're still saving on our grocery bill but half of that savings will be put towards our adoption. And hopefully we will have the initial $6,000 before long!! We will then try gift of adoption and a few other non-profit organizations that help with the last half of the cost.

In a way it is overwhelming, but mostly I think it is sad that the cost to give a child a home is so high. I'm willing to bet that that is the exact reason majority of the people that say it's not for them feel the way they do. We are sooo excited and anxious for this journey. And pray each day that the financial burden doesn't get us down!! We are determined to find ways to make this happen!! Thank you already to all that have prayed for us in this way!!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

God's story

I have heard more than I want to hear, "there is a reason for all of this".

Now I do believe all things happen for a reason, but when you are going through life day by day not sure how things will affect you, things people say, peoples reactions to you etc. Sometimes it's hard to put together that the things you HAVE to go through really do have a reason and it's definately hard to understand when you're on the not so fun side of it.....but here is my story for today.

I was a little hesitant about taking Ashalyn to the nursery class while Bible School was going on. All her friends that I watch were going to be at my house and she just LOVES playing with why take her away from that I thought?! So we went Monday as a trial run...and she did great (at least that's what they tell me). She has been going to the worship and drama with the big kids, they painted backpacks, etc. Yesterday when I said "You ready to go Ashalyn." She raised her arms in the air and said, "yea!!! chool (school)" and she ran with me out the door. She was so excited. Yesterday while driving I looked in my mirror to see my sweet little girl with her hands up by her face doing some motions to a song they learned and she was mumbling all kinds of jibberish words, but I'm convinced she was singing the song (maybe not the correct words) but it was just too adorable. And then...there's a teacher in there. Ashalyn and her for some reason just clicked. She's new to our church and Ashalyn just loved her. Everytime I go to pick her up Ashalyn's next to her, playing with her, or holding her hand when they walk to the sanctuary for singing.
Now, I have been doing something that may make me a bad mother, but when she is so willing to go in and play I quickly take off...don't want to stick around talking to the teachers to give her time to change her mind about going in there. I know the ladies name, but did not take the time to say much more than what needed to be said to give her the idea of what Ashalyn would need for the day. Today as I was picking up Ashalyn I had my niece in there with me and the teacher says to her, "is Ashalyn your sister?" I politely explained that "no, these are my sister's children." Then she goes on to say, "is she your only child?" And with that, other teachers distracted our talking to me and the other talking to her. I overheard the conversation of..."I'll explain later." So, not wanting to make her feel awkward or even bad for asking I continued my conversation with the one and I walked out and left for the day.
Not because I didn't want to talk about it, matter of fact, I'd LOVE to talk about my other children. But because it does put many people in an awkward situation. So I walked out and let that whole conversation go. I let the other teachers explain my situation for me. We are getting ready to walk out the door of the church and she comes up to me and says, "I am so sorry about your daughter." She didn't apologize for asking but she apologized for Miranda. She then went on to say, "I know how hard that question is to answer. I too lost an unborn baby and a toddler in a car accident 6 years ago."
There was a reason her and Ashalyn were so "close" throughout this week....and just when I'm feeling a little out of place, where it's hard to relate to people (mom's specifically) on certain levels...I'm reminded there are people who unfortunately do get me, do understand, and do care enough to say Miranda's name! I can't express enough how much she means to me this week and how awesome our God is to know where our needs are and He meets those needs in some of the neatest ways.
And here I thought I was Bible School superintendant for the kids.....but come to find out God used that ministry to touch me!!!!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

too busy to blog

Okay, I think I can say honestly that I have been too busy to blog this week. Since about November I have been busy planning our summer Bible School. It seems like there were spurts of when the planning got busy but the last few weeks have been intense...since this week is the big week. So far I am very pleased with our turnout...140 students today! PRAISE GOD!!
Not only is it Bible school, but in 2 weeks is Pettisville Friendship days. We are in charge of concessions for that, so also lots of work, that I am way behind day at a time. And to top that a few days we will have the keys to the house, where I will begin repainting all the rooms. I feel extremely drained right now and am ready for a full day with Nicholas and Ashalyn, where I can devote myself entirely to them. Nicholas and I need a night out to ourselves....the last few nights and days were completely devoted to being at the church. And tonight, I guess you can say we had a date.....if paying a babysitter for us to go to our attorney for legal advice with the accident settlement counts.
While there discussing all this I realized how far Nicholas and I have come, but yet how far we have to go yet. First, mostly there's still some anger, with the adjusters. I hate (yes, i dont say hate often) but I hate being pushed around by the adjuster. I may be younger than most people going through this....but I'm NOT STUPID! But we also realize how fresh the thought of "buryin' our dead child" (when they use that term it hits ya hard) is....even 9 months later. Those words brought tears to both of our eyes tonight. I can see where many would believe that since we are into the adoption process that we are "healed" emotionally. That is the biggest myth out there. Nicholas and I are doing well....fewer bad days and more good days....but that doesn't change how much we miss Miranda. We keep ourselves busy for that exact reason...but when we slow life down a little and discuss what we remember or talk about Miranda in the ways we have to at brings back tears, hurt, every emotion possible basically.
Then you read facebook and other still hurts. So many of our friends/acquiantances remark on facebook how "awful" their kids are or how they can't wait for the rain to stop so they can send the kids outside and out of their hair, or how they don't realize what they do have at the moment even if it's not perfect. Still so badly those are the things that sting. I dont mean to be selfish, but I just wish so badly that people would live for the moment with their kids...bring on the rain so I can take my two little girls and dance in it, run through puddles, and just all laugh together...I don't show it but those things still hurt....yes 9 months is a long time and it should be getting easier, but there's not a day that goes by where there isnt a thought of her or of the accident. I teared up today talking to our pastor because it's the legal things that make this so much more difficult....but then when talking about the legal things is when I'm reminded of EVERYTHING and how difficult it really is. I know I'm talking in circles right now, but honestly I cant even grab ahold of this spinning world right now.....I LOVE THE BUSY-NESS, HATE THE STILLNESS, but LOVE the stillness with my family and HATE the busy-ness (if that makes any sense to any of you!) I am so grateful for all the things that keep me busy, but live for the moments with my family that allow us to hold on to the moments we have with each other. 9 months ago yesterday I held my baby girl for the first time, 9 months ago today I held that same angel for the last time (here on earth).

Our sweet Miranda

Our sweet Miranda


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