Saturday, February 27, 2010

Why was I chosen for this life??

Tonight we decided to head out on to town in Toledo. Nicholas is headed back to work on Monday, which Praise the Lord, but yet.....YIKES!!!!!!!! Definately not sure he is physically ready for an 8 hour day on concrete all day. He still has lots of pain when he's on it for a while. We were having a grand time out together. First we went to Kohls to get him a pair of Nike's that were comfortable for him to stand in all day. I shopped the winter clearance racks at 80% off for Ashalyn for next winter. I love after season sales!!! Walked out of Kohls with an awesome pair of Nike's for Nicholas and 8 winter sweaters for Ashalyn (Ashalyn's totalling only about $12).
Then we were on a mission to find a resturant on a Saturday night that didnt have hours and hours of waiting. Only place we came up with was Texas Roadhouse. As we are walking in the front desk girl, Brittany, from my OB office was on her way out to the car to get something!! When we got in there her and I got to talking and she brought up Miranda and how much hair she had and how beautiful she was!! We talked about her and this pregnancy and it was just a joyous conversation! PRAISE GOD for people that dont mind talking about her!! And a double praise God for those that bring her up in conversation before I even think to say anything!!
Then we are seated in the exact booth that Nicholas and I sat in on our "first date". We both smiled and just enjoyed the memories. It was a matter of minutes the booth diagonal from us was being seated...a family with 3 being a little girl that exact size Miranda would be now. I couldnt help but to watch cautiously at this family. At first it was a happy time marveling the little girl...and then as dinner progressed my eyes started tearing and all I could think was how I wanted to go grab the baby and give her attention. The poor little girl sat in the aisle way, wide awake, with her carseat cover still over her and fussed around a little....and it bothered me so badly to see the parents sipping away on their margaritas and not giving her the least bit of attention....thru the entire meal. So I can't help but to does God choose what parents will have to fill these shoes? Nicholas and I could have given Miranda so much love. I see children all around us. I'm at the point where they still make me smile. I envision Miranda happy in the arms of Jesus' but when you think you're having the best day u've had in awhile the tears just sneak up on you in the least expected place and time. I think it's something that will always happen....even years down the road. In 5 years when we look out the window on the first day of school and see all the little ones walking to school I'm sure it will still hit us.
The waiter brought us our food and asks me to cut into my steak, I cant even look at him because the tears are just rolling down my face. He walks away and I can't help but to chuckle because he has no clue to why I'm crying but I feel silly because he probably thinks I'm insane. Nicholas looks at me and says, "so this is our life from now on huh??" As we both are tearing up. The entire time all I could think of was wishing we could afford to buy this family their meal or wish I had a small toy to share with the little girl...she made my day as I dreamed of my little Miranda. The tears aren't depressed tears when this happens. People cannot make me just happens! I dont even know how to explain it but I just have to wonder how we were chosen to fill these shoes in this life??? Something I will never understand. And something I'm not sure I'm capable of doing, they are HUGE ugly shoes to be wearing!!!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Visit from Pastor Brad

I decided so that it all flows and makes sense I will just be adding to the past post from my journal to tell the story of the accident, as I did just last week! Because I don't think I'll ever get caught up to the correct date if I don't. So starting from here, it'll be all daily events, feelings and thoughts and Ill just post when I've added to my story for those that want to follow.

Last week we had a scheduled time for Pastor Brad to stop by to visit, but I canceled. So we rescheduled for today. It was much more needed for today anyways. On Monday I kinda went rounds with my emotions. I had to deal with the insurance company again. I'm pretty sure that in that corporate office I am nobody and they really don't care about our past 6 months, they do this all day every day, so 6 months to them is nothing.
Our goal was to have Miranda's headstone up by the one year anniversary. Something we want to do for her, as well as for us. We took great pride picking out her stone. We envisioned so much about her life, things we will do for her and with her....everything!! We had dreams for her and it all was taken from us in moments. So the one thing we can do for her yet here on earth is fill that plot with as much love and detail as possible. At holidays we not only pick out a small gift for Ashalyn but we envision what ways we can share it with Miranda as well. Her stone to us is going to be a marker that will last forever and a way for us to give her just a little of what we wish we choosing her headstone just HAD to be perfect.
First, after being pressured by insurance to give them a price, we went in to look, completely not sure what to expect and not really ready. You have to choose your color, the material you want it made out of, picture, wording,'s just all overwhelming. And then to hear the price....we left completely depressed. So, over the next months we talked about what we want and started jotting down our "envisions" of the stone that fit her perfect! As our time missing her went on, we had more and more stories and finally came up with the perfect stone. Now to find it. We were unsatisfied with the people at the first place so we chose to look at another. The moment we walked in we knew we were in the right place and from the moment we saw the stone we knew!! And now, coming near the end of February, we should have it all set from the insurance company.....but....instead they think they can push us around. It was easy for them to tell us to get going when we werent ready, and now that our time is coming to an end to have it all set so it can be placed on the anniversary they decide its not that important....because now we're down to the time for the expense part. I WILL NOT be pushed around anymore by them, because this is super important to us...but, a month ago, they decided to stall even longer...and I just find out this on Monday.
So having a rough week it was great to get this visit today from Pastor Brad. I admire this man in so many ways. His voice is so calming and makes you feel so much more at peace in circumstances that we have had to encounter. He was by oursides all thru the night when we were getting to enjoy Miranda in our arms, he helped us understand what doctors were saying, what we'd have to go thru in the next days, he helped us with the funeral plans because we were never prepared for all those decisions, he gave the sermon at her funeral and he's been there for us since..just an amazing man. He helped me realize today that things will never be back to how they were, what others call normal. We will find a new normal in all this.
The new normal is something we are slowly coming to terms with and trying to get used to.
Our new normal:
*Spending the holidays creatively coming up with the perfect wreath or gift to walk down to the cemetary.
*Accepting the looks on peoples faces when they see you. We've definately had to get used to the fact that people look at us in pity or with a look of wanting to talk to you but afraid. We've gotten pretty good at reading those faces, so it's just easier on us both for u just to come up to us!!
*Being afraid to walk into a room filled with people because u're not sure when the tears are going to sneak up on you.
*Reenvisioning the accident moments and the what ifs that go along with it.
*Not being able to sit still, not even for a moment, because when u do, a happy day turns to a sad day because the quiet and stillness hurts
*doing, spending, and keeping busy to try and fill the void for just a moment.
*going to a resturant or out to enjoy yourselves and notice every child that walks by, espeicially those close to her age.
*accepting the change in friendships and family relationships
*and finally, realizing that life won't ever be the same, whether people understand you or not, and realizing that everyone else's life does go on, but you still will always have this grief and new normal FOREVER!!!!

Our sweet Miranda

Our sweet Miranda


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