I found myself all day today humming Christmas carols! And then when I was rocking Hayden (girl I watch) in the lazy boy today Rock-A-Bye Baby turned into Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. Now, I fully understand that it's February and Christmas is no where near here...but I crave for Christmas time to be here. I honestly think it's because I didn't have a Christmas this past year. Okay, yes, I live in the same calender year as everyone else. I decorated the house and put the tree up before Halloween even this past year. People called me crazy. But please let me explain this.
The accident was in September. So by the end of October we were looking for whatever we could find to do, after being trapped inside for nearly two months. And at that point we were online shopping, puppy hunting, and just trying to fill a void. So we both seen fit to decorate for our favorite time of year to try and bring a little joy into our home. We decorated and enjoyed it for the time being, but I truely feel we were robbed of Christmas this year. Normally we sing carols together and have lots of Christmas traditions that we carry on. Christmas is a happy time for us. This year it felt as if we just went through the motions and celebrated just enough to get by with saying we did.
We spent much time preparing a mini Christmas tree for Miranda at the gravesite, that we just were never happy enough with. So we went with a grave pillow with ornaments to match our tree that we loved, but didnt replace her being in our home with us on Christmas day. I spent the week before Christmas in the hospital then with my infection from the accident. The hospital had restrictions of visitors at the time because of flu season. So Christmas Eve I layed in bed all night and cried and cried. First I was expected to spend Christmas without Miranda and then they expected me to not see Ashalyn either?? It was the lonliest worst feeling ever! So I fibbed a little about the pain, so I could be released on Christmas afternoon. I was home, but didn't enjoy much of Christmas.
This past Christmas we spent more than we probably could afford and way more than we usually do...but like I said, we had to fill the void for the time being. Well now Christmas is way passed and I'm ready to celebrate. I wonder what ppl in our community would think if we put lights up outside in Feb? Or had our Christmas tree up in our big front window? I think they will think we lost our minds honestly.
So I have to ask, is this a "normal" process of grief? You realize after its gone that you missed out on something? At the time, we were going through the motions so it felt like we were there, but sure did not feel like "Christmas". Are all holidays and every Christmas from on out going to just be going through the motions?? Today, I just feel like it being Christmas. But what will tomorrow bring??
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Our sweet Miranda
1 comment:
Hi Valerie, I'm a friend of Kris Stamm's, Chelsea. She told me about Miranda and the accident shortly after it happened and your family has been in my prayers ever since. Although my experience was not near as traumatic as yours, I also lost a baby and have asked those questions too. What IS "normal" grief? I certainly cannot answer that, as everyone will grieve differently, but I do empathize with your Christmas story. Our first Christmas without Wiley was everything it shouldn't have been as well. Bitterness choked any delight at the season down and although we attempted to do "normal" things, our hearts were far from it. The best part of the day was getting to cry together at night and rage at God. Anyway, while yes, your neighbors would probably assume you've gone completely loony if you put up a tree and lights (lol), don't let that stop you from singing those songs and feeling sad for missing out. It's been three and a half years since we buried our son, and I can tell you that that year of "firsts" was the worst. The first Christmas, the first Easter, his six-month mark (his two-month mark, his three-month, four-month, eight-month, etc) were all so very hard. Anyway, I could go on and on, but my point is, I love your blog and I hope that it is helpful for you to write. If you would like to talk more to someone who has been there (and is there), I would love to get to know you! My email is chelszilla@gmail.com.
Chelsea
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