Monday, March 22, 2010

Proactive approach

Well on Friday I decided it was time to be proactive. I'm not sure I was ready for it but I'm glad I brought myself to it. To this day I remember the man that gave me the words of Miranda's passing...I remember him all to well. Honestly, I was perfectly fine with never EVER seeing him again. We was a sweet old man, but I just did not care to encounter him again.
But now all these questions are just running through my mind. I had two healthy pregnancies up until the accident and now complications, so I cant help but to wonder if they relate at all.
Friday Nicholas and I decided it was time to get some answers and we just held our breath not sure what we were going to find out. First we made an appointment to see Dr Vielala, the doctor that did Miranda's surgery. Still a very sweet man, but hard to see him again. This isnt the doctor that bothered Nicholas as he had never met this doctor before. He was always in a surgery when this man came around. I held it together, but those words just those words just kept ringing so loud and clear in my mind when I would look at him.
He couldnt give us much as my records belonged to St V's so he did not have htem in his office. So next we headed over to St Vs and signed out all 3 of our medical records. Between the 3 of us we have a stack of papers over 2 inches thick. It was very interesting to read them all because the hospital stay is still a pretty blurry moment for us. It told us everything up to the exact procedure that was done to our breaks and to how many screws and plates we had and to what they were screwed to. Some of it was more than we could understand but what we didnt understand then our doctor cleared up pretty well for us.
It was hard reading the words of the part on my record about Miranda. And that was the part we needed clarity to, because all the words just didnt make sense to us. During the accident the impact of the trauma I had a 50% placenta abruption which cut off all oxygen to Miranda. I also, unaware of this til now, had some fundal uterine contusions. This is bruising and scarring to the uterus wall. Now, not giving them info about me being pregnant and just getting the news I got, I asked them how this affected future pregnancies. They said it definately puts me at high risk and the liklihood of the placenta tearing away again is possible. With the contusions the uterus may not allow for the embryo to attach properly which in turn could cause the baby to not grow properly, which is what appears to of happened in our case. At this point in this pregnancy all we were given was the baby is small and stopped growing awhile back. So at this point I cannott tell you what's next, Nicholas and I have not talked that far ahead yet. It scares me to even think it. But I got the answers I needed. I still dont have the answer as to WHY but I dont know that I'll ever know or understand in this lifetime.
And in the times like this, I am so thankful that I have the friends I have. I am thankful for each and everyone that has been there just to call me and say, "I'm praying!" Or to lend a listening ear to help me sort through all these emotions. It's difficult to do and without them I'd be in a very very dark hole. I am thankful that this is not my final home and that one day I will be holding my 2 dear babies in my arms all while rejoicing in my final place of eternity.


Kristen said...

Oh Val, I know the heartache of having a high risk womb. It's still a sort of empty feeling even though you have one child with you.

It sure takes time processing life when it takes a different turn than what we had planned for ourselves. I remember in one of your earliest blog posts, you had written that you wanted your children close in age. And I remember when I visited you in the hospital, not even 24 hours after Ashalyn's birth, you were saying then you had decided you wanted to start planning for the second baby very soon.

I cannot relate to the deep heartache you feel over losing a child, though I try to imagine and it's horrible. But I do know the pain that comes with not being able to plan your family. I think about it a lot myself, especially now as Cayman is two years old and that was always the mark when we were planning on bringing in the next child. Planning on our families is not really a reality we know anymore. I still feel a sting of pain by that, but I keep watching for God's plan in it all. I keeping wondering if He has a specific child for me to adopt that would need my home and still make my wish come true.

I have found, the most healing I can do, comes in when I can be of help and contribute to others because of what I've gone through. It's like it gives my grief a purpose and it's not experienced in vain.

I love you so much Val!

Julie said...

Thank you for posting this info I was wondering what you found out. We are continuing to pray for you all. God will never leave us...

Kathy said...

I am continuing to pray for you, Nick and Ashalyn as you go through this time in your family life. I love you. Mom

Our sweet Miranda

Our sweet Miranda


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