Monday, March 15, 2010

No I am not crazy! I am!? No, ugh, i dont know!

I have so much I'm trying to work through tonight. A lot of things I hesitate to make public just for the fear of what people will think I guess. You may think I am crazy and may think I need some major help after reading this...but really I think the ppl that actually do follow my blog, I think care enough to still love me, given my flaws and my "Crazy" person personality these days.
All week on vacation I'm reminded of Miranda, her life, the dreams we had for her that are now broken, but am reminded of it not being the end, we will see her again. But I come home and all I have to do is look out our front picture window and I'm reminded of death. I see the undertaker digging the graves, I see funerals, I see families stopping by with new flowers for their loved ones and I see my sweet sweet Miranda's grave. I didnt realize it until we left for awhile and came home. When we are away from home we see the beauty in God's creation, whether we go clear to Lake Michigan or whether we go down the street and notice the sun set on our drive to walmart. But in that, I see Miranda. I see a promise that only reminds me, she's perfect, she's beautiful and she's so full of life and saving a place for me. Yes, me! Her mommy!!! But now that I see all that....looking out my front window of my living room I see "death". I see the end. I see shattered and broken dreams. I see the hurt in my life that so badly I'd like to jump out of. I see the shoes I wish I could take off. And I see a white cross that reads daughter, sister, neice and granddaughter, but more importantly reads my beautiful little girls name.
Miranda means miracle. And we had that name picked out long before the accident. We took grief for the name we chose. Several ppl did not like it. And Miranda Rice sounds like Miranda Rights. We heard it all, but that name still rung so perfectly to us. It fit our little girl. And yes, we truly do see the miracles in this story. We were told that they didnt think Nicholas was going to make it because of his loss of blood. We were told that I could have lost my life as well when the membrane by my placenta ruptured. And we were so lucky that Ashalyn didnt get hurt worse than she did. But I still sometimes don't understand the miracles because it's just not the same without her. I want her to be my miracle.
Still to this day, over 6 months ago, this whole thing messes with me...with us! Just today I went into get snack ready and one of the kids I babysit for started crying and I said, "Ashalyn, let's go see why Miranda is crying". At that split second I thought it really was Miranda. I still go to the bassinet in hopes to find her there. I still "hear" her! I know it's just me "wishing" and "hoping" so badly that it is her. That she was here to hear cry. As soon as I notice that split second was just a dream and a wish that won't ever come true I bawled. I cried so hard then all day because I just don't understand....I can't understand....and I don't want to understand.
People don't understand why it still rings so fresh in our minds and on our hearts. But I can't see it getting better. I know it will. But she will ALWAYS be my little girl. I will always miss her and I will always be reminded of her. With every baby her age, with every leopard print bikini (that was the swimsuit we had pick out for her.....those that know us well, know what picking out the first swimsuit is to us), with every good night kiss to Ashalyn, everything! We are reminded of our Miranda! Our sweet baby girl that was taken from our lives way too early.
My heart weighs so heavy for this new pregnancy. We are so excited but yet so so scared. I have yet to be able to talk about it without a bit of caution. I lay awake at night and fight with my instincts. I fear that this baby isnt alive. All I want is to "feel pregnant" if that makes sense. Feel movement, hear or see a heartbeat, have a headache or even have morning sickness (and trust me...before I wanted nothing to do with bending over the toilet anymore than I had to). I know it's just me trying to protect ourselves. I want to enjoy this pregnancy just as much as I did with the first 2 but most of me is saying to protect myself. Which I know I will regret later. Wednesday I go back to the ob and I'm really hoping to talk to him a little about the stress I'm feeling, the anxiety, and hoping maybe he'll consider an ultrasound to ease my mind. I just cannot rest at night knowing how much I could lose and how quickly it can be taken away. I also don't want to talk about the pregnancy much because I still want to talk about Miranda. Baby number three still probably would be on the way (at least thats what our plans were) had all this not happened so we still planned on this...but it's not as easy with the situations we've been given. I try to take care of myself because of the pregnancy and my little one in there. But I'm finding it more and more difficult to do with the high emotions with everything....dealing with the insurance company, missing my baby girl. The stress level just seems to be raging and it makes it so so hard to control, which in turn makes it seem so much more scary. I don't want ppl to think I'm not excited and I don't want this baby to feel like he/she is unwanted. I love him/her so much already that I can't imagine life with out him/her. That's what makes it so hard. I'm not only imagining life without one, I'm living it and I don't know what I'd do if it happened again.
But back to being here, in Pettisville. We love this town. The communtiy feel. The people. We love it all. But I'm tired of seeing "death". It scares me. I know I'm going to heaven. I know I'm ready to be with Miranda. I know that my time is already picked for me. I know. I know. I know. I know all these things...but I'm still so so so scared to finish this life. The hurt, the tears, and all the other "crap" it just sucks!! Ashalyn fell down the stairs this weekend and my heart about jumped from my chest. I chased her down but couldnt get to her fast enough and had to watch her scream and tumble down an entire flight of stairs. Nicholas and my parents ran too. I'd be okay with not a single worry in the world for my children. I know it's not possible though in this life. I fear reliving this nightmare. So yet again, I laid in bed tonight, not being able to fall asleep and just trying to pray that it's all going to be okay. Trying to remember the waves of lake Michigan on the sand or the sky we noticed on the way home from Buffalo Wild WIngs...and trying to block out the sight of another grave being dug just out our window. Please God, help me close my eyes and sleep peacefully. Just tonight. Just this once. Without being awaken by a paramedic speaking to me in my dreams or another crazy dream that things aren't okay. Just once allow me to slip off into a happy dream, letting me know my babies are all okay!! Thank you Lord for listening to my cries!!


Jessica said...

Valerie and Nick I don't have the words to make it all better. I don't think anyone does. And while I don't know the grief of losing a child that you have actually felt kicking, I know the grief of losing a baby even though my miscarriage was so early on. I do the same things. I lay awake wishing I had felt it kick and wondering if I will ever get pregnant again and feel one kick. Its so hard to even imagine trying again. Valerie you and I have talked many times about this and just know I am here no matter what time of day. I only live two minutes away and if you need someone to come and knock on your door at 4 in the morning because you don't want to wake Nick just know that I am here. I pray for you, Nick, Ashalyn, Miranda, and your new little one every day and will continue to pray that your OB lets you have an U/S on Wednesday.

The James Family said...

You are NOT crazy you are a MOMMY!! We are praying for you guys everyday and we will say an extra prayer that the dr. will do an early ultrasound... and your will little one will start kicking early just to let you know everything is okay!! :)

Our sweet Miranda

Our sweet Miranda


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