Nicholas wrote a paper for school not that long ago that I'm going to include. It was a paper we worked on together. His topic he had to use was his biggest fear written in a single paragraph. I like these assignments because its something that we can sit down and talk about together. Call me a nerd, but I am intriqued by most of his assignments so i do them right along with him, even though I don't get credit for mine. But with this assignment we both feared the same thing. The death of our children and reliving it. We said it was something we never wanted to do again.
But unfortunately, we have to.
Yesterday was the appointment that we both were so so so excited for. We were going to be able to put our mind at ease and hear our baby's heartbeat. We went back, and the student ob came in and took my blood pressure. Talked to me about my concerns. And then took a listen. He kept finding my heartbeat, and at first we'd get all excited. But then he'd move the doppler and continued looking, so I knew it was mine instead. Then he said, well...Dr Fofung is the pro...he'll probably get it right away. So the doctor come in and he too had a hard time finding it...but gave the same explanation we got for Ashalyn..."sometimes if the uterus is tipped backwards, the baby is back to far and you can't hear it." "I'm going to get u scheduled for an ultrasound for Friday or so." And I instantly had tears.....I can't wait 2 more days, so I told him I'm losing sleep over this already. And he could see the look in my face, I WAS SERIOUS! The last appointment for ultrasounds were over for the day...just ending. But he pushed and pushed for us and we got in immediately.
I got the ultrasound tech that I had for Miranda's first ultrasound. During that she was talking to us and just so happy for us. The volume was up for about 2 seconds and she turned it off then when listening for a heart beat. Then she says we're going to have to do a transvaginal ultrasound. Then I knew something was wrong...I'm 16 weeks almost, shouldnt be hard to find baby. So we did the next ultrasound and in the process of that she says, Dr Fofung is going to be coming over. That was the next flag.....SOMETHING IS WRONG. She wouldnt look at us, wouldnt talk to us and when we asked if she saw anything she said she couldnt give us answers unfortunately. Then we waited, waited for the doctor to come give us the final words.
He said he didnt have good news for us. The baby just stopped growing and their was no heartbeat to be heard. Baby is still there in my belly. And my body hasnt delivered it yet, but was not alive. So yet again.....we are going thru a parents worst nightmare. We are reliving yet another death of another child of ours. We just got word about 2 hours before that Miranda's stone was able to be finalized...down to the very last detail. And now we're going to be doing it all over again.
The doctor is giving me a week yet for my body to "deliver" the baby on it's on. Then he wants to perform a medical procedure. The more I think about it the more I don't want this done. I'm pretty good at avoiding phone calls if I want to...so....u better believe I won't be calling him back until I've thought this whole process through. I'm so afraid of living with the what ifs and if onlys. I've done research on this because at the time of him giving us the news, I didn't think of all the questions I would have. And you better believe I have LOTS of questions.
First off, I'm pissed. That an accident 6 1/2 months ago will have an ever-lasting affect on us, emotionally, physically, and now will also determine the fate of the rest of our family. And now, my body isnt capable of carrying another child. I was afraid to try it again for this exact reason...but now....I'm TERRIFIED. And for me to allow them to medically intervene and force me to miscarry this baby on THEIR time....it's just not fair! I'm not ready to come to terms with it yet, yet alone make those decisions without weighing the possibilities. The mother in me says, "dont do it Valerie....you have to fight for this baby. Fight til the end and let this baby come natural." But then they tell me of the risks....the infection is very possible.
We're getting prepared. I'm not sure I completely understand yet, but from what we've been told if I go 4 more weeks it is a law that a funeral takes place. But after 14 weeks (I'm 16) the baby is still cremated, it's just up to us whether we want the cremation or want the hospital to do that and us not be a part of it. It's our decision, i believe. Short's funeral home told us that only a cremation is possible with the size of the baby. But there is room for a cremation down at our plots. Nicholas and I have been working on our will since the accident and it will be stated in there that if we have to use the 2nd or 3 plots for any of our other children that he and I will be cremated but want to be buried in there as well. We never thought though that it may be one of children being cremated instead.
I'm not sure what to expect as far as if my body goes on it's own. Like whether I will be going into labor or not. He did tell me I would experience sharp short pains and cramping. The thoughts and emotions our just raging wild, almost worst than they did at first with Miranda. The shock of Miranda's death took a little to wear off. This was instant....because we already knew. We knew what to expect, we knew what is yet to come, and we knew the hurt and the emptiness we would feel, YET ALL OVER AGAIN.
We got out to the truck and the anger in us both just overwhelmed us. The whole way walking to the truck I sobbed uncontrolably, Nick punched the truck as hard as he could (he now is very swollen). And I just yelled! I mean seriously?? There's no better way to describe it then this sucks!! This baby, this baby helped us heal. It helped us know that one day we will be able to hold our own LIVE baby again. But that was all a dream I guess.
We got home, and thank goodness, one of my best friends was there. She too was bawling when we walked in. She cried too that it just wasnt fair. I am just so thankful for her. She has definately been there for me and especially the last week in a half when she knew I was having a really bad week, she has been amazing. It took a while to sort it all out, but I knew that I didnt want to hug Nicholas. I was afraid to let him close. I still am. It's like a black cloud is following me and it stricks down anyone I am close to. So it's all outta fear. I dont mean to reject him, I just have to build up a wall it seems for the people I love most.
I didnt feel like eating supper, so I skipped...but by evening I was starving for food it seemed. My stomach was growling and I was getting sick to my stomach, just like a pregnant woman. That's what makes me feel like there is a little bit of hope yet that I need to cling to. That says, "it IS okay." Then I'm reminded again of those words. With Miranda I asked the OB at the hospital, "Is there still a chance that she might be alive?" And that's all I can think of now...machine error, something. This CANNOT be real AGAIN.
I mean really, AM I THAT STRONG THAT HE ENTRUSTS US IN THIS YET TOO? That saying, "He won't give you more than u can handle." Well, I dont know who He thinks I am, but can I really handle this?? AGAIN?? I'm still not sure how to handle the death of my first baby...now a second? And maybe/probably the end of the possibility for more?!
I hadn't experience much anger with Miranda's death yet. Anger with certain people because of the way they have reacted to us, yes! But not the anger at God or life in general. But now....that's all I feel. I REFUSE to accept the UNACCEPTABLE! I do. I can't accept this life, this hurt or this feeling of emptiness. All I can do is sit here and think.......NOW WHAT? Where do we go from here? All the decisions? All the emotion? All the pain? And all the hurt? It all starts back over.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
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