Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day Mornings

I have lots of blogging to do to catch up on our Christmas traditions but here are two of my favorites. The night before Christmas eve morning we made cookies and set them out for Santa.

And then we went to sleep and waited!! That was the hardest part for myself. I was pretty excited!! Ashalyn zonked out in her bed and Nicholas and I went over the plan. When Santa came in the door (we don't have a chimney) he rang his bells and said "Ho, Ho, Ho. Merry Christmas" loud enough to wake our sleeping beauty. She wasnt sure at first. Matter of fact, she made me go see him first...so I took a picture from the top of our stairs and took it back to her room to see. Then she went to see for her self...but was NOT going to let me put her down to take any pictures!!

We watched Santa leave out the door, she got down and said, "wake daddy up for presents." So as I am stalling her watching out her bedroom window we look for Santa. Can't find him so we talk about the other boys and girls that have been good and need Santa to come to their house too...and before you know it Nicholas was up the back way in our house to crawl in bed and "trick" her....she suspected not a thing and was so distracted by the fact that Santa was there that our plan worked out perfectly!! Next year we might have to find someone to play Santa but it worked great for the time being!! We "woke" daddy up and went down to open our presents from Santa! It was such a blast!!
Later that day we celebrated with Nicholas' dad and then we went to the movies to see Yogi Bear with my parents! Later that night we read the nativity story and we got our Birthday Cake ready for Jesus' birthday! Ashalyn had fun helping me make it and she kept saying "Baby Jesus Cake!"
My family never really did Santa growing up but Nicholas' did, so we still would like to keep that tradition going...and I love it!! But I want to remind Ashalyn and our other Children that Christmas is not only about Santa, so thats why we chose to carry our Christmas morning tradition of Santa to Christmas Eve morning. Our Christmas morning we will be celebrating the birth of Jesus and His birthday!!
We made a cake and left a few pieces out for the birds to carry to the heavens. We took balloons and sent our kisses upwards and this is how we choose to celebrate Christmas morning....we celebrate Christmas the best we can here on earth, while our loved ones are up there having the best birthday celbration EVER!

Happy Birthday to Baby Jesus!!
Hope you all enjoyed your Christmas and were able to create family traditions of your own!! I already look forward to doing these things again next year and seeing the new reactions from the gifts God gave me (my children)!!!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Our version of the 12 days of Christmas....

We've been saying we needed to do something together as a family that was slow paced and allowed us to just relax. We take in sooo many emotions and we keep ourselves busy ALL the time to try and fill that empty void. I cannot even begin to explain this feeling that I am talking about, but it has an empty, numb and blahness to it. Last year at this time, we went way over board on Christmas presents. We shopped, shopped, and did more shopping. We thought as long as we were buying more "things" we could keep ourselves preoccupied from the pain and hurt we were feeling. With each new present we wrapped it seemed like we opened another one just to keep us "entertained" with the thought of having something to do, if that makes any sense at all.
Many of you may recall, our big purchase of a tiny little puppy as well. That too, only lasted a few months and than got old, so we found him a new home. It is very impossible to explain but it is something to this day we still do. We live our life on the go so that way we aren't burdened as much by the hurt.
Tonight at the supper table, we tried sharing with each other. Neither of us know how to explain but both of us understand. It's like we live two lives now. The life that wants to remember and hold onto every dream or memory we ever had. But the other life that wants to move forward with Ashalyn and into our future of both her and Kynzie. I blog to help me sort between these two lives, so if my blog seems depressing majority of the time, I do apologize...but this is what helps me with my thoughts. I promise, I do not live my life at home in constant tears and sorrow! I enjoy my one little girl way too much to allow that to happen. She still needs her mommy!! (and I pray she ALWAYS does!!)
But anyways, back to what I said previous, we have decided this Christmas season, in between still trying to keep busy to make it a family "tradition", I guess you could call it, to find the time as a family to stay in, focus on each other, shut off all the sound, and just relax together. Hopefully this will help a little with the "spend to be happy" theory that only hurts more in the end.
So our 12 Days of Christmas we have bought presents for our little family; presents that we can do together, enjoy together, and just create memories together. We have done Candyland and Memory, puzzles and Christmas movies on tv, made cookies for snack, but tonight's gift has been my favorite by far!
Not a single one of us by any means is an artist, but one thing that I LOVE is painting with Ashalyn. So we decided to try something different. We bought canvases, acrylics and nice paintbrushes. It was something new for all of us, but very relaxing and fun!!

Like I said, neither of us by any means are ready to quit our jobs to become an artists, but we had fun and I will forever cherish these works of art. Halfway through our families version of the the 12 days of Christmas!(can't wait to share how we spend our last day!!)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Nicholas's appointment

First, lets start with how frustrating it has been to get to this appointment. We had this appointment scheduled since the 5th of October and the week before they call us and say that the doctor no longer is seeing patients in the afternoon. So they had to move his appointment to the morning, which required him to take a whole day from work of vacation pay verses just an hour. So we got there, at his newly scheduled time (an hour drive) to wait in the waiting room for an hour and them to tell us that the xray machine was broken. So we rescheduled, took another day from work and finally made it in. And this is what we found....
This may seem normal to some, but no...that is NOT his knee joint...that is all his upper leg....where it looks as if two different bones are coming together...that is one bone, just where the fracture is. The rod and the nails at the top make me squirm. EWW! But yes, the doctor tells him that there is a fine outter layer over the fracture that fuses the bone back together but the bone density is still not smoothed over. Then procedes to say up to 15 years....yes, FIFTEEN YEARS???? WTW?
So his next interpretation was...we want to start out the least invasive and work our way up to most as needed. So, Nicholas is back on pain medicine for 8 weeks and then will go back for another view by a new doctor (this doctor is moving south and doing no more procedures at this point....in my thoughts, he doesnt want to deal with his mess up and leaving it for someone else, so just giving him the pain meds to get by on til then....but I'm not a doctor so...). This appointment we got more answers and I truly think it was because he's on his way out anyways. Last appointment when Nicholas told him of his falling down the stairs episodes the doc said, "well you did break you leg, it's going to be painful". Today he explained the procedure THE OTHER DOCTOR WOULD DO, he answered Nick's questions differently and wrote a "maximum recovery letter" stating, "It is to my best medical knowledge that Nicholas will always have a medical impairment that is highly likely."
We have had a second opinion appointment scheduled for next week all along because we knew something wasnt right, but this orthapedic was relunctant to take on Nicholas' care full time because he was someone else's patient. So now we hope that our doctor leaving the state will allow for him to do so and his care will be closer to home, with a much more trusted doctor. We thank you all for sticking by us through this journey and continuing to pray when we said something still isnt right. Please keep the prayers coming though, as today was a huge disappointment to Nicholas. The doctor said he feels he will never get back to competitve sports like he had been able to do before...it's going to be more of a "last man picked for the team" sort of activity now. And that took his hopes and confidence down quite a few degrees. So please please keep praying!!! I hate seeing him down and discouraged like this.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

i thought, but I was wrong

I thought I was holding together pretty well lately. I have been having fun with the kids I work with. I have been definately enjoying all the new things Ashalyn is doing. I am amazed at how big she is getting and she just keeps getting cuter and cuter everyday with that little unique personality of hers. I have loved feeling Kynzie wiggle about inside of me. And believe it or not, those clothes that I swore I would never pull back out of the box....well, that too I have enjoyed. I have shed a few tears, but I have enjoyed it because I also realize the power God has in these circumstances.
But today at church I realize that I'm still not strong! In the restroom a very strong Christian woman came up to me and said she's been praying for us this past week. She doesnt know what has been going on but we got to talking and it just so happen to leak about the week we have had with Nick's leg. She too seemed very confused as to why it hasn't healed completely yet. As we were talking I had to fight back the tears.
It is so hard for me to sit back and watch him in so much pain still. He had days off for the holiday and he went with pretty limited pain. But those few days off were H*LL for him when he went back.
The first day back he came home and could barely walk by evening. He tries to hid his pain from everybody but people are starting to ask him about his limp. I see him cringe every night when he goes up the stairs to go to bed. I see him pick up his leg with his hands to try and get it to unlock and take it's first step after sitting for a while. I hear the little grunts and groans that he tries to keep in. And I see him sneak in some pain medicine on occassion here and there. So the other night, i finally told him he had to look at me and be 100 percent straight with me about everything. He teared up and finally admited a long over due on his pain.
I had a second opinion scheduled for him a while back, but he didnt go. He says that they aren't going to find anything different. The doctor he is seeing now and that did his surgery says, "you broke your leg in three places, it's going to hurt!" So, he feels like he needs to "man up" he says. Well, I've had enough. My poor husband is in sooo much pain still, 14 months later...something doesnt seem right. It's so hard to see him go through this. I've cried many times because I HATE seeing him like this and there being nothing I can do. But I try so hard to stay strong in front of him.
But hearing the words come from his mouth the other night of him giving up on ever being able to play basketball again or feel normal again. That is NOT okay with me! Nick is by no means a quitter and to hear that just stabbed at me. I'm crying now as I type this because I don't understand how or why he has to go through the physical pain yet too, especially since the emotional pain is still so so SO real to us every day!!
I have considered giving up on babysitting at home so I can carry the insurance and he can become a stay at home daddy and heal. He tells me I am crazy and he won't allow me to do that. He feels strongly that he is the guy and he needs to be the one working. I love him for that, really I do!! But I wish in this time of weakness (injury) for him he would let me step up!
I have become very frugel and concious of our spending and have learned a budget that works for us, so that my money is the extra's for us. But I have yet to figure out something to help with the pain and I HATE THAT!! I want to take it all away from him so that he can enjoy the little things again. Like I mentioned in a previous post, things such as running in after work to get kisses from his girls, playing ball with the guys, leg workouts, going to work everyday, and getting down on the floor to play with Ashalyn.
Anyways, this woman at church...she is such an inspiration and she took the time to notice our hurting hearts still and to pray with me right there in the restroom at church. It meant the world to me, to us!! But made me realize, in this world I am still very very weak. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for!! But at the same time I know and realize that there are many more tears to be shed.
I miss the days of being a smiley happy child had the job of just making people smile!! And my biggest worry was when someone didn't smile back!

Our sweet Miranda

Our sweet Miranda


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