I decided so that it all flows and makes sense I will just be adding to the past post from my journal to tell the story of the accident, as I did just last week! Because I don't think I'll ever get caught up to the correct date if I don't. So starting from here, it'll be all daily events, feelings and thoughts and Ill just post when I've added to my story for those that want to follow.
Last week we had a scheduled time for Pastor Brad to stop by to visit, but I canceled. So we rescheduled for today. It was much more needed for today anyways. On Monday I kinda went rounds with my emotions. I had to deal with the insurance company again. I'm pretty sure that in that corporate office I am nobody and they really don't care about our past 6 months, they do this all day every day, so 6 months to them is nothing.
Our goal was to have Miranda's headstone up by the one year anniversary. Something we want to do for her, as well as for us. We took great pride picking out her stone. We envisioned so much about her life, things we will do for her and with her....everything!! We had dreams for her and it all was taken from us in moments. So the one thing we can do for her yet here on earth is fill that plot with as much love and detail as possible. At holidays we not only pick out a small gift for Ashalyn but we envision what ways we can share it with Miranda as well. Her stone to us is going to be a marker that will last forever and a way for us to give her just a little of what we wish we could....so choosing her headstone just HAD to be perfect.
First, after being pressured by insurance to give them a price, we went in to look, completely not sure what to expect and not really ready. You have to choose your color, the material you want it made out of, picture, wording, size...it's just all overwhelming. And then to hear the price....we left completely depressed. So, over the next months we talked about what we want and started jotting down our "envisions" of the stone that fit her perfect! As our time missing her went on, we had more and more stories and finally came up with the perfect stone. Now to find it. We were unsatisfied with the people at the first place so we chose to look at another. The moment we walked in we knew we were in the right place and from the moment we saw the stone we knew!! And now, coming near the end of February, we should have it all set from the insurance company.....but....instead they think they can push us around. It was easy for them to tell us to get going when we werent ready, and now that our time is coming to an end to have it all set so it can be placed on the anniversary they decide its not that important....because now we're down to the time for the expense part. I WILL NOT be pushed around anymore by them, because this is super important to us...but, a month ago, they decided to stall even longer...and I just find out this on Monday.
So having a rough week it was great to get this visit today from Pastor Brad. I admire this man in so many ways. His voice is so calming and makes you feel so much more at peace in circumstances that we have had to encounter. He was by oursides all thru the night when we were getting to enjoy Miranda in our arms, he helped us understand what doctors were saying, what we'd have to go thru in the next days, he helped us with the funeral plans because we were never prepared for all those decisions, he gave the sermon at her funeral and he's been there for us since..just an amazing man. He helped me realize today that things will never be back to how they were, what others call normal. We will find a new normal in all this.
The new normal is something we are slowly coming to terms with and trying to get used to.
Our new normal:
*Spending the holidays creatively coming up with the perfect wreath or gift to walk down to the cemetary.
*Accepting the looks on peoples faces when they see you. We've definately had to get used to the fact that people look at us in pity or with a look of wanting to talk to you but afraid. We've gotten pretty good at reading those faces, so it's just easier on us both for u just to come up to us!!
*Being afraid to walk into a room filled with people because u're not sure when the tears are going to sneak up on you.
*Reenvisioning the accident moments and the what ifs that go along with it.
*Not being able to sit still, not even for a moment, because when u do, a happy day turns to a sad day because the quiet and stillness hurts
*doing, spending, and keeping busy to try and fill the void for just a moment.
*going to a resturant or out to enjoy yourselves and notice every child that walks by, espeicially those close to her age.
*accepting the change in friendships and family relationships
*and finally, realizing that life won't ever be the same, whether people understand you or not, and realizing that everyone else's life does go on, but you still will always have this grief and new normal FOREVER!!!!
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