PLEASE PLEASE STOP TRUSTING ME?? Who do u think I am?

Nicholas wrote a paper for school not that long ago that I'm going to include. It was a paper we worked on together. His topic he had to use was his biggest fear written in a single paragraph. I like these assignments because its something that we can sit down and talk about together. Call me a nerd, but I am intriqued by most of his assignments so i do them right along with him, even though I don't get credit for mine. But with this assignment we both feared the same thing. The death of our children and reliving it. We said it was something we never wanted to do again.
But unfortunately, we have to.
Yesterday was the appointment that we both were so so so excited for. We were going to be able to put our mind at ease and hear our baby's heartbeat. We went back, and the student ob came in and took my blood pressure. Talked to me about my concerns. And then took a listen. He kept finding my heartbeat, and at first we'd get all excited. But then he'd move the doppler and continued looking, so I knew it was mine instead. Then he said, well...Dr Fofung is the pro...he'll probably get it right away. So the doctor come in and he too had a hard time finding it...but gave the same explanation we got for Ashalyn..."sometimes if the uterus is tipped backwards, the baby is back to far and you can't hear it." "I'm going to get u scheduled for an ultrasound for Friday or so." And I instantly had tears.....I can't wait 2 more days, so I told him I'm losing sleep over this already. And he could see the look in my face, I WAS SERIOUS! The last appointment for ultrasounds were over for the day...just ending. But he pushed and pushed for us and we got in immediately.
I got the ultrasound tech that I had for Miranda's first ultrasound. During that she was talking to us and just so happy for us. The volume was up for about 2 seconds and she turned it off then when listening for a heart beat. Then she says we're going to have to do a transvaginal ultrasound. Then I knew something was wrong...I'm 16 weeks almost, shouldnt be hard to find baby. So we did the next ultrasound and in the process of that she says, Dr Fofung is going to be coming over. That was the next flag.....SOMETHING IS WRONG. She wouldnt look at us, wouldnt talk to us and when we asked if she saw anything she said she couldnt give us answers unfortunately. Then we waited, waited for the doctor to come give us the final words.
He said he didnt have good news for us. The baby just stopped growing and their was no heartbeat to be heard. Baby is still there in my belly. And my body hasnt delivered it yet, but was not alive. So yet again.....we are going thru a parents worst nightmare. We are reliving yet another death of another child of ours. We just got word about 2 hours before that Miranda's stone was able to be finalized...down to the very last detail. And now we're going to be doing it all over again.
The doctor is giving me a week yet for my body to "deliver" the baby on it's on. Then he wants to perform a medical procedure. The more I think about it the more I don't want this done. I'm pretty good at avoiding phone calls if I want to...so....u better believe I won't be calling him back until I've thought this whole process through. I'm so afraid of living with the what ifs and if onlys. I've done research on this because at the time of him giving us the news, I didn't think of all the questions I would have. And you better believe I have LOTS of questions.
First off, I'm pissed. That an accident 6 1/2 months ago will have an ever-lasting affect on us, emotionally, physically, and now will also determine the fate of the rest of our family. And now, my body isnt capable of carrying another child. I was afraid to try it again for this exact reason...but now....I'm TERRIFIED. And for me to allow them to medically intervene and force me to miscarry this baby on THEIR time....it's just not fair! I'm not ready to come to terms with it yet, yet alone make those decisions without weighing the possibilities. The mother in me says, "dont do it Valerie....you have to fight for this baby. Fight til the end and let this baby come natural." But then they tell me of the risks....the infection is very possible.
We're getting prepared. I'm not sure I completely understand yet, but from what we've been told if I go 4 more weeks it is a law that a funeral takes place. But after 14 weeks (I'm 16) the baby is still cremated, it's just up to us whether we want the cremation or want the hospital to do that and us not be a part of it. It's our decision, i believe. Short's funeral home told us that only a cremation is possible with the size of the baby. But there is room for a cremation down at our plots. Nicholas and I have been working on our will since the accident and it will be stated in there that if we have to use the 2nd or 3 plots for any of our other children that he and I will be cremated but want to be buried in there as well. We never thought though that it may be one of children being cremated instead.
I'm not sure what to expect as far as if my body goes on it's own. Like whether I will be going into labor or not. He did tell me I would experience sharp short pains and cramping. The thoughts and emotions our just raging wild, almost worst than they did at first with Miranda. The shock of Miranda's death took a little to wear off. This was instant....because we already knew. We knew what to expect, we knew what is yet to come, and we knew the hurt and the emptiness we would feel, YET ALL OVER AGAIN.
We got out to the truck and the anger in us both just overwhelmed us. The whole way walking to the truck I sobbed uncontrolably, Nick punched the truck as hard as he could (he now is very swollen). And I just yelled! I mean seriously?? There's no better way to describe it then this sucks!! This baby, this baby helped us heal. It helped us know that one day we will be able to hold our own LIVE baby again. But that was all a dream I guess.
We got home, and thank goodness, one of my best friends was there. She too was bawling when we walked in. She cried too that it just wasnt fair. I am just so thankful for her. She has definately been there for me and especially the last week in a half when she knew I was having a really bad week, she has been amazing. It took a while to sort it all out, but I knew that I didnt want to hug Nicholas. I was afraid to let him close. I still am. It's like a black cloud is following me and it stricks down anyone I am close to. So it's all outta fear. I dont mean to reject him, I just have to build up a wall it seems for the people I love most.
I didnt feel like eating supper, so I skipped...but by evening I was starving for food it seemed. My stomach was growling and I was getting sick to my stomach, just like a pregnant woman. That's what makes me feel like there is a little bit of hope yet that I need to cling to. That says, "it IS okay." Then I'm reminded again of those words. With Miranda I asked the OB at the hospital, "Is there still a chance that she might be alive?" And that's all I can think of now...machine error, something. This CANNOT be real AGAIN.
I mean really, AM I THAT STRONG THAT HE ENTRUSTS US IN THIS YET TOO? That saying, "He won't give you more than u can handle." Well, I dont know who He thinks I am, but can I really handle this?? AGAIN?? I'm still not sure how to handle the death of my first baby...now a second? And maybe/probably the end of the possibility for more?!
I hadn't experience much anger with Miranda's death yet. Anger with certain people because of the way they have reacted to us, yes! But not the anger at God or life in general. But now....that's all I feel. I REFUSE to accept the UNACCEPTABLE! I do. I can't accept this life, this hurt or this feeling of emptiness. All I can do is sit here and think.......NOW WHAT? Where do we go from here? All the decisions? All the emotion? All the pain? And all the hurt? It all starts back over.

No I am not crazy! I am!? No, ugh, i dont know!

I have so much I'm trying to work through tonight. A lot of things I hesitate to make public just for the fear of what people will think I guess. You may think I am crazy and may think I need some major help after reading this...but really I think the ppl that actually do follow my blog, I think care enough to still love me, given my flaws and my "Crazy" person personality these days.
All week on vacation I'm reminded of Miranda, her life, the dreams we had for her that are now broken, but am reminded of it not being the end, we will see her again. But I come home and all I have to do is look out our front picture window and I'm reminded of death. I see the undertaker digging the graves, I see funerals, I see families stopping by with new flowers for their loved ones and I see my sweet sweet Miranda's grave. I didnt realize it until we left for awhile and came home. When we are away from home we see the beauty in God's creation, whether we go clear to Lake Michigan or whether we go down the street and notice the sun set on our drive to walmart. But in that, I see Miranda. I see a promise that only reminds me, she's perfect, she's beautiful and she's so full of life and saving a place for me. Yes, me! Her mommy!!! But now that I see all that....looking out my front window of my living room I see "death". I see the end. I see shattered and broken dreams. I see the hurt in my life that so badly I'd like to jump out of. I see the shoes I wish I could take off. And I see a white cross that reads daughter, sister, neice and granddaughter, but more importantly reads my beautiful little girls name.
Miranda means miracle. And we had that name picked out long before the accident. We took grief for the name we chose. Several ppl did not like it. And Miranda Rice sounds like Miranda Rights. We heard it all, but that name still rung so perfectly to us. It fit our little girl. And yes, we truly do see the miracles in this story. We were told that they didnt think Nicholas was going to make it because of his loss of blood. We were told that I could have lost my life as well when the membrane by my placenta ruptured. And we were so lucky that Ashalyn didnt get hurt worse than she did. But I still sometimes don't understand the miracles because it's just not the same without her. I want her to be my miracle.
Still to this day, over 6 months ago, this whole thing messes with me...with us! Just today I went into get snack ready and one of the kids I babysit for started crying and I said, "Ashalyn, let's go see why Miranda is crying". At that split second I thought it really was Miranda. I still go to the bassinet in hopes to find her there. I still "hear" her! I know it's just me "wishing" and "hoping" so badly that it is her. That she was here to hear cry. As soon as I notice that split second was just a dream and a wish that won't ever come true I bawled. I cried so hard then all day because I just don't understand....I can't understand....and I don't want to understand.
People don't understand why it still rings so fresh in our minds and on our hearts. But I can't see it getting better. I know it will. But she will ALWAYS be my little girl. I will always miss her and I will always be reminded of her. With every baby her age, with every leopard print bikini (that was the swimsuit we had pick out for her.....those that know us well, know what picking out the first swimsuit is to us), with every good night kiss to Ashalyn, everything! We are reminded of our Miranda! Our sweet baby girl that was taken from our lives way too early.
My heart weighs so heavy for this new pregnancy. We are so excited but yet so so scared. I have yet to be able to talk about it without a bit of caution. I lay awake at night and fight with my instincts. I fear that this baby isnt alive. All I want is to "feel pregnant" if that makes sense. Feel movement, hear or see a heartbeat, have a headache or even have morning sickness (and trust me...before I wanted nothing to do with bending over the toilet anymore than I had to). I know it's just me trying to protect ourselves. I want to enjoy this pregnancy just as much as I did with the first 2 but most of me is saying to protect myself. Which I know I will regret later. Wednesday I go back to the ob and I'm really hoping to talk to him a little about the stress I'm feeling, the anxiety, and hoping maybe he'll consider an ultrasound to ease my mind. I just cannot rest at night knowing how much I could lose and how quickly it can be taken away. I also don't want to talk about the pregnancy much because I still want to talk about Miranda. Baby number three still probably would be on the way (at least thats what our plans were) had all this not happened so we still planned on this...but it's not as easy with the situations we've been given. I try to take care of myself because of the pregnancy and my little one in there. But I'm finding it more and more difficult to do with the high emotions with everything....dealing with the insurance company, missing my baby girl. The stress level just seems to be raging and it makes it so so hard to control, which in turn makes it seem so much more scary. I don't want ppl to think I'm not excited and I don't want this baby to feel like he/she is unwanted. I love him/her so much already that I can't imagine life with out him/her. That's what makes it so hard. I'm not only imagining life without one, I'm living it and I don't know what I'd do if it happened again.
But back to being here, in Pettisville. We love this town. The communtiy feel. The people. We love it all. But I'm tired of seeing "death". It scares me. I know I'm going to heaven. I know I'm ready to be with Miranda. I know that my time is already picked for me. I know. I know. I know. I know all these things...but I'm still so so so scared to finish this life. The hurt, the tears, and all the other "crap" it just sucks!! Ashalyn fell down the stairs this weekend and my heart about jumped from my chest. I chased her down but couldnt get to her fast enough and had to watch her scream and tumble down an entire flight of stairs. Nicholas and my parents ran too. I'd be okay with not a single worry in the world for my children. I know it's not possible though in this life. I fear reliving this nightmare. So yet again, I laid in bed tonight, not being able to fall asleep and just trying to pray that it's all going to be okay. Trying to remember the waves of lake Michigan on the sand or the sky we noticed on the way home from Buffalo Wild WIngs...and trying to block out the sight of another grave being dug just out our window. Please God, help me close my eyes and sleep peacefully. Just tonight. Just this once. Without being awaken by a paramedic speaking to me in my dreams or another crazy dream that things aren't okay. Just once allow me to slip off into a happy dream, letting me know my babies are all okay!! Thank you Lord for listening to my cries!!

A Promise I am Holding onto!!!

There's just way too much from our past week to blog about. We had a fabulous week together with Nick's dad and step mom and sister, as well as with my parents at their new place. Travels went well, we ate really well, and enjoyed much needed fun together! We ice fished, snowmobiled, played the wii, went sightseeing, built a sand castle (yup it was warm enough to go to the beach!) built snowmen (and painted them too), played at the waterpark, decorated easter eggs and watched lots of Ohio State basketball. This week was a blast, but yet was extremely difficult. Sunday marked the 6 month anniversary of Miranda's birth and death but also the 6 month birthday celebration in Heaven!! On the way up there Nicholas and I started reading a book that was given to us called, I'll hold you in Heaven. And this week that illustration was poured upon us in many ways. The church service on Sunday was talking about as Christians we are given that promise to see our loved ones in eternity. Our entire row was in tears, it just happened to be on the Sunday we needed reminded most! And then on the beach....as we write her name in the sand I was reminded that it wasnt the end....I will hold my baby girl again. On the way home we finished our book and again was filled with scripture with the promises we are given as a Christian that even though my baby didnt take a breath she was a being from conception and was taken to be with our Lord and is there waiting for her earthly mommy and daddy to join her!
It's still something I struggle with though, being here without her. Our vacation was a vacation, but not a family vacation...we weren't all there together in person. I laid awake still many hours thinking about her, as well as worrying about our other sweet baby that has yet arrived. But I have been comforted a little this week with the promise of getting to hold her and getting to know her in my eternal life!!! I praise God I am a Christian and He gives us those promises!!!!

Safe Travels

Today is the day and I've been scared for days now. I am so so excited for our family vacation, but so so scared. We are headed back up to Michigan, but this time the other parts of the state. We went to Hillman the weekend of our accident. This time we are staying one night in Macinaw and then doing some off season shopping! Then we will be crossing the bridge to go to Nick's dad's house to do some snowmobiling and ice fishing, going to see the waterfalls and dam. Then headed to Traverse city to spend 2 days at the Great wolf Lodge where we will enjoy time together as our little family.


Then we're off to my parents house at Little Eden Camp in Onekama Michigan. While there we will be enjoying outdoor sledding, scrapbooking, and Mommy and Daddy are taking a date night out to eat and to the casino to play the slot machines!! Going in with only $20 each...hoping to come out with at least that!
First before any of this begins we will be making a stop at the Pettisville cemetary with flowers and releasing some balloons with kisses into the heavens for Miranda. 6 months ago on Sunday she met Jesus and entered into eternity! We love her so much and miss her more and more every day!!!


We have a weekend planned full of fun things and we are so excited to get to enjoy this time together and with our families, however, a part of me is freaked out. Last time we enjoyed our time together it ended so tradgicly, so please please pray for us and for our safe travels. And that I sleep most the way so I don't annoy Nicholas with all the break lights and grief of express driving. I'm a bit edgy in the car now adays and have become a passenger driver. I try not to!!! So, look for pictures to come from our stays!!!!

It's a new afternoon!

Ashalyn woke up from nap and wanted to cuddle me to no end!! I love it!!!! It's almost as she laid in her bed and realized she didnt have the greatest morning! And I'm getting lots of kisses!!!! It's a new afternoon and mommy is relaxed!!! :-)

Testy Toddler = Time out for Mommy!

This is going to be a random post....but boy do I need to blow off a little so I can maintain my patience. It takes an extreme lot for Ashalyn to be put in a time out....but today, she is definately testing mommy's patience. Now, the beginning of the week she was great, but I'm wondering if it's starting to affect her with Nicholas being gone so much. Monday, Wednesday and Friday he has work and then therapy, with Wednesday night church also. Tuesday and Thursday he works then goes to class. She's been used to seeing him all day and all night for the last 6 months. So, last night she did not see him hardly at all, so I'm hoping thats the reasoning behind today. We have managed to dump our milk all over the floor, purposefully!! (she is on an open cup now and we have not had any troubles with this...I know she's still young so I expect accidents, but that's how she learns.) However, today she yelling, "mom, mom." As I look to ask what she wants she tips the cup slowly and watches the milk pour to the floor. Not a big deal I wipe it up and explain we can't dump our milk, we have to drink it. So then the day goes and she's getting a little more testy. I had folded laundry on the coffee table and she put her hand on it, waits for me to say, "Ashalyn." and pulls the entire pile to the floor. I hand her her lunch and she takes the bread and butter and dumps the rest on the floor, the entire plate and all. (Now I must say this was one of her favorites and she didnt even attempt to eat it...it was all within a matter of a minute.) So a bit flustered at this point I ask her to get down from the table. (she ate her bread and was offered the rest that she refused...and ate a good breakfast). Now she's trying to climb on the other chairs, even trying to get on Carson's lap, so I push all the chairs in so she cant climb. (she likes to climb the chairs to stand on the table). Feeling defeated she goes and gets a heavy wooden step stool, carries it to the table and just as she goes to set it down, drops it right on her bare feet. Now her feet are red and puffy and I want to give in because I feel bad...but instead I comfort the tears from her injury and explain to her why I'm doing what I'm doing. Mind you now, it's only 1230 and she's down for an early nap.....I needed a breather because I was starting to show my "stressed parent" side and we all know that's not good. Makes for an even more testy toddler!! Naptime and mommy's relaxing so we can start the afternoon off much much better!!!

An Answered Prayer!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I cant even hardly type in between all my tears!!! We are able to get the headstone for Miranda that we picked out and that is perfect for her!! I was getting nervous, but it's going to happen!!! I just want the best for my baby girl!!! I love you Miranda and I miss you so so so much!!!