Tuesday, June 8, 2010

too busy to blog

Okay, I think I can say honestly that I have been too busy to blog this week. Since about November I have been busy planning our summer Bible School. It seems like there were spurts of when the planning got busy but the last few weeks have been intense...since this week is the big week. So far I am very pleased with our turnout...140 students today! PRAISE GOD!!
Not only is it Bible school, but in 2 weeks is Pettisville Friendship days. We are in charge of concessions for that, so also lots of work, that I am way behind in...one day at a time. And to top that off...in a few days we will have the keys to the house, where I will begin repainting all the rooms. I feel extremely drained right now and am ready for a full day with Nicholas and Ashalyn, where I can devote myself entirely to them. Nicholas and I need a night out to ourselves....the last few nights and days were completely devoted to being at the church. And tonight, I guess you can say we had a date.....if paying a babysitter for us to go to our attorney for legal advice with the accident settlement counts.
While there discussing all this I realized how far Nicholas and I have come, but yet how far we have to go yet. First, mostly there's still some anger, with the adjusters. I hate (yes, i dont say hate often) but I hate being pushed around by the adjuster. I may be younger than most people going through this....but I'm NOT STUPID! But we also realize how fresh the thought of "buryin' our dead child" (when they use that term it hits ya hard) is....even 9 months later. Those words brought tears to both of our eyes tonight. I can see where many would believe that since we are into the adoption process that we are "healed" emotionally. That is the biggest myth out there. Nicholas and I are doing well....fewer bad days and more good days....but that doesn't change how much we miss Miranda. We keep ourselves busy for that exact reason...but when we slow life down a little and discuss what we remember or talk about Miranda in the ways we have to at times....it brings back tears, hurt, every emotion possible basically.
Then you read facebook and other blogs....it still hurts. So many of our friends/acquiantances remark on facebook how "awful" their kids are or how they can't wait for the rain to stop so they can send the kids outside and out of their hair, or how they don't realize what they do have at the moment even if it's not perfect. Still so badly those are the things that sting. I dont mean to be selfish, but I just wish so badly that people would live for the moment with their kids...bring on the rain so I can take my two little girls and dance in it, run through puddles, and just all laugh together...I don't show it but those things still hurt....yes 9 months is a long time and it should be getting easier, but there's not a day that goes by where there isnt a thought of her or of the accident. I teared up today talking to our pastor because it's the legal things that make this so much more difficult....but then when talking about the legal things is when I'm reminded of EVERYTHING and how difficult it really is. I know I'm talking in circles right now, but honestly I cant even grab ahold of this spinning world right now.....I LOVE THE BUSY-NESS, HATE THE STILLNESS, but LOVE the stillness with my family and HATE the busy-ness (if that makes any sense to any of you!) I am so grateful for all the things that keep me busy, but live for the moments with my family that allow us to hold on to the moments we have with each other. 9 months ago yesterday I held my baby girl for the first time, 9 months ago today I held that same angel for the last time (here on earth).

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Valerie:

I can completely understand your frustrations with the adjustors and working on a settlement on everything. I work in a law firm in Defiance that handles numerous of these cases and I have to say, and a lot of the cases that come through the door just break your heart and I just cannot believe how some of these insurance places seem to turn your tragedy into something that is "just another day at the office" for them. I think a lot of the people working in insurance companies have lost their sympathy for people. I completely understand and will keep you in our prayers.

Katie Meyer

Kristen said...

I will feel much gladness when you and Nicholas can have all the legal stuff behind you. It's a stressful piece of thorn in the flesh that I pray you will know simpler days soon of not having to think about it anymore.

My near entrance into the club of women that have lost a child has made me fully understand the blessing of not taking any moment for granted. I feel the same kind of grief and burden over the many complaints that parents make. I pray for them and ask God to help their eyes see the beauty that is before them. Facebook can sometimes be a depressing place to read.

Kathy said...

It is hard to believe what we have gone through as a family the last 9months.It just does not seem fair to have to go through this because you are so young.A day never goes by that your dad & I do not think about Miranda & Grandpa not being here with us.We talk about them often. I often think about what Miranda would look like, how big she would be @ this time, & what she would be doing in her life.I miss not being able to scrapbook her rolling over, walking, birthdays, playing with Ashalyn & seeing you & Nick holding her, playing with her. Looking back over these last 9 months tears have flowed every day.I love you guys & pray for you. MOM

Trevor R said...

I am sure its tough going through what you are. Its hard for people to know how to interact during all of this. I am sure most people wonder "can I talk to her about what she went through?" or "if I bring it up is she going to be mad that I brought it up?" and things like that. You guys have been through a lot! Be patient. Be understanding. Be open with others...this blog is a great place to do that!

Regarding the adjusters...remember they are following policy and are people too. Most of them have very little say in how the company runs things, they are just out there acting on it. I know they are not always easy to deal with because well in the end, they are a business. They are in it to make money. It may come across as without compassion and it probably is, but the people behind it probably have compassion, they just aren't allowed to act on it!! Its sad.

I read my wife your story (found it back in October). She was so sad. We can't imagine having gone through all of that (especially since we are about at the same point you were). YOu are so right thought about cherishing every moment we have with our little ones though!

Anonymous said...

Hi Valerie,

I was in my very early 20's (some 30 years ago) when I contracted Toxemia in the late stages of pregnancy and lost our precious daughter.

3 years later I had placenta previa while carrying our son and almost lost him as well as my own life. He was 3lbs 2 oz.
My cherished son has grown into a wonderful healthy man person. He is the joy of my life.

Upon weighing the options our doctor gave and the health risks of future pregnancy, we chose to not increase our family which was the best decision for us. As you know, burying children was not something I wanted to do on a full time basis and my husband was not fond of the idea of burying me in the process.

Your writings are so important in making you whole again and they brought our pain and struggle back. Keep doing this for yourself and for your own sanity.

Don't let anyone fool you into thinking you will you will "get over it". It will get easier but I'm still amazed at the times something will bring on the tears of that loss.

Cherish those memories and the pain of the grief. This is all a part of the healing. The wound in your "mother heart" will heal over but the scar will always be there. You will learn to live with it and in time will be the bitter sweet reminder of the dear little souls you have lost and love so dearly.

Your writings are so important in making you whole again...keeping you grounded in reality, giving you a place to vent your sadness, anger and longings. They certainly bring back my own feelings of our pain and struggle to heal.

Valerie, You have my deepest sympathy and if you ever want to talk with someone who has truely been there and back, you can contact me. I'll keep reading and holding you close to my heart.

Phyllis Mishler

Our sweet Miranda

Our sweet Miranda

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