"Are you sure you can do that?"

So, a few times over the courses of the months we have had people as us the same question over and over? And we finally have had the heart to explain why we chose the foster to adopt path verses the private adoption.
I have been tearing myself up wondering if we are doing the right thing. Last few times at church I have left church nearly in tears because different people, pastors, friends, etc ask us..."you know that Adriel (the agency we are going through) is foster to adopt right?" Part of me got angry at first, not understanding why it mattered. Then I began to think, what is the big deal and why can't you just be supportive of our decision. But with the training we have been undergoing I can honestly now look at these people when they ask and say, "yes, we do understand and we do know what we are doing and WE DO feel this is where we are being led."
Just this past week one of our faithful friends, someone we used as a referance for our adoption, came to Nicholas and said, "Do you really think you can let the children go? In a sense it's like a death of your children."
So....I'm here to try and explain this to our faithful readers and prayer warriers. We understand if a child is brought into our home for months, maybe even years, there is a chance that we will not get to adopt them. That they will be reunited with their birth parents. And i am sure that will hurt once we are attached. But let me try to explain!
Just this past training we had, we heard the story of a dad that used his children as target practice in the living room. The children came into foster care with lumps all over their body only to find little bbs impelted into their skin. So we can look at them leaving our home to go back to their family or another foster family as a death, like this dear friend said....or we can look at it as, saving a child's life while the parents get the treatment they need to make themselves "better" to better care for their children. Yes, we could in turn hurt when saying goodbye again, but the difference to us....that child didn't die. That child still is very much alive on this earth, maybe with the feeling of wanting to die, but aren't able to protect themselves. As parents, no matter how hard we tried, we were unable to protect Miranda and Briley. And we had SOOOOO much love to give them. I still long for that physical love all the time. I still would love to give her the biggest hug and kiss and hold her on my chest as she falls asleep. But I can't. And it saddens me to no end knowing their are children out there, alive in this world...that have NO IDEA what parental love is, nor a hug for that matter.
Yes, we do understand the trials that can come with being a "foster parent" but we have NO DOUBT in our mind that this is where God is calling us to be at this point in our lives. We have taken a few remarks from people that have hurt. We keep hearing, "maybe you should talk to so and so because they didnt have a good experience with foster care/adoption." Honestly, there are times we have come home and we look at each other and say, "so did you feel like we were being looked down upon for this decision?" So, we would like to express a HUGE thank you to all our true friends and family that have supported us in this decision!! I can say WITHOUT a doubt in my mind, that we are ready for all that this has to bring us. We are aware of the late night runaways and the vulgarity that might come with it (that's what our trainings have been informing us of) and we are also aware of the fact that the day might come that we will have to say good bye when we thought they would be a part of our family forever. We are aware of all the labels foster parents have. (where they lock them in cages, starve them and rape them) Nicholas and I aren't those people and we are making this decison based upon prayer and the support that we do have! We are also aware of life's tragic moments and the importance of loving a child to the end. And if we have to say good bye to these children, they will always remain in our heart and be part of our eternal family. And our reward for caring for these children couldnt be greater...........eternal love from our Father who didnt neglect us when we lived in fear and death of our child!

And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.

Matthew 18:5

Every Child is a gift!

I am real reluctant to write this blog. But I can't help but to be excited. My heart is semi guarded at this point because I know the pain a parent endures when saying good bye to a child they have their hopes set on. But at the same time I have to every day pray for these two children and every day my love for them grows deeper and deeper. Nicholas and I talk about them like crazy. We dream up what our life would become if they become ours. And we pray un-endlessly for these two children. Now we had given up any bit of hope of bringing these children home, because we knew when there final adoption was taking place. The 3rd of this month. And we knew we would not be done with our licensing process. So like I mentioned before we changed our prayers. We prayed that they would find a family that would suit them, that would love them, and continue to keep them smiling (you will know what i mean when you see their picture!) We were still happy for them, that they would have a permenant family to call their own. But then we got the phone call back saying there was no family that met the criteria...and yet again we began to hold out hope. We know any day now a family could come along, but we are getting SOOOOOO close to being done!! This week we begin our training hours and not much more to go after that!! I cannot say that these children will be a match for us for sure or not....I cannot even say that we will be granted our request, but I can share with you all a pciture of the two children that we are praying for on a numerous times a day basis....and we can ask for you all to join us in prayer. That if not us, a family be found! The smiles on their face, along with Ashalyn's, is what has brought us through many many scared, fearful and lonely days!!!

Hope you all can smile right along with us by looking at this picture!!!
http://wtol.images.worldnow.com/images/incoming/HomeForKeeps/jamiaantonio.pdf
Now tell me that didnt bring a smile to your face!!!

Dying to Post

I have been dying to write this post. I have wrote it over and over but been too afraid to hit "post". I keep saying to myself "if I do, then people can pray for me. If I don't they can't." But also...."if I do, then it's that much harder to undo it if things don't work out."
And with that comment, I admit. I am SCARED TO DEATH! Anytime I am feeling great I panic. Anytime I feel a chill or feverish I panic. Anytime I recall any little moment from the past, I Panic. And finally, anytime I think happy thoughts about this baby, you got it...I PANIC. I am living in fear in a sense.
My past pregnancy with Briley got me through some very tough times. It helped us handle seeing new babies. It gave us a hope in the future when we felt we could not go on. And it gave us a hope in having future children after the tramatic birth of Miranda. We were super excited. And then that was ripped from us as well.
With Briley we made a decision to do something that most would not do at that week in the pregnancy. We also buried Briley...right next to Miranda. (this is some info that not many might know about us) But when sitting in the hospital waiting for Briley to be delivered, we debated. We went back and forth with the nurse. We fulled out the birth certificate but then resistated with the death certificate. We were NOT sure we had the money for another funeral but as soon as that death certificate was signed it was something we had to do for the baby. So we went back and forth....do we want to go through that again??
Well, I hesistate in saying this...but having that private burial was the best thing we could of done for ourselves. We buried Briley at a point when we were physically more capable of "being there" if that makes any sense. Nicholas and I were able to go down there, free of pain (not completely, but compared to Miranda's funeral) and we were able to focus on our grief as a couple, as parents, and we were able to turn our emotions into something more healthy and positive. Not only then were we able to grieve the loss of Briley, we were able to grieve Miranda. All by ourselves, without other people telling us how we should feel, without sitting there in so much pain that it's unbearable (at her funeral we were still pretty drugged up), and without the harsh, unloving feelings of hurt, jealousy, hatred, you name it.
But all that didn't change the one thing we still fear! And that's having to do it all over again, for a third time. I never ever imagined in our 3 years of marriage that we would of had these struggles and emotions, but I believe it is something that will now always stick with us til death do us part. I don't want to do it again now, nor 60 years from now.
With that fear, we were afraid to go at this adventure again. We were afraid to announce again that we are expecting. And we will NOT stop holding our breath until the result is us bringing a real, living baby home in our arms!! But all that fear does NOT mean we are not excited. BECAUSE BELIEVE ME...ANNOUNCING THE OTHER DAY THAT WE HEARD A HEARTBEAT....was absolutely amazing. I have never felt so proud to say that yes, we saw a very active and full of life baby moving inside of my womb on September 15th!
That ultrasound was the most emotional but yet heartwarming moment we have experience since last September 7th, when we heard and saw our baby for the very last time. It brought back flashbacks, but it brought back so much of our hope as a family. We may be living in a little fear, but we couldnt be more thankful to our Lord above for giving us this opportunity to be mom and dad yet again, whether for the time being or for our lifetime, we will now be the proud parents of 4 children. 2 living and 2 in heaven. Our prayers are that the status of our children does not change, but no matter what we know who our God is and poop on Satan....literally!
So....NOW THAT WE HAVE SEEN AND HEARD A STRONG HEARTBEAT....PLEASE JOIN US ON THIS EXCITING JOURNEY!! JOin us in prayer and in the blogworld as we continue to defeat that nasty devil guy. WE ARE LIVING PROOF OF GOD'S AWESOMENESS AND UNFAILING, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!
We honestly believe God has SOOOO much instore for our Earthly family that we CANNOT wait to share this journey and adventure as we grow and wait for our day to all be reunited! (that all being said, continue to check back on our adoption process as well...God still is calling us on that path...just has blessed us in the meantime in yet another way!)

what the h*** are we supposed to do today?

Okay, so first excuse my language in my title...but honestly today feels like a complete day of confusion and blah-fulness (is that a word?)
Yesterday was Labor day. Today is the day Miranda was born, a year ago. But our accident happened on Labor Day. So yesterday we honored her in many ways. Nicholas walked the bridge and then my father-in-law and step-mother-in-law paid for us to get over to the island. Once we got there we loaded a horse carriage and we toured the island as our small little family. The first actually stop happened to be Mackinac Islands butterfly house. Soft music was playing and butterflies floated so gracefully about. We sat there on a bench together, Nicholas, Ashalyn and I and we cried. And we smiled. And we cried some more. We even laughed some. We then went back on the carriage to the lookout rock and we saw miles and miles of the beautiful great lakes. We remembered Miranda in such a "healthy" way. We had so much fun together as our little family.
And then there is today......the day we should be celebrating as her first birthday! And we had all these plans for the day and this is what we ended up with. We drove to Saint Ignance. On the way we got a very emotional and heartfelt text from Nick's sister, Lindsay! It meant the world to us....but we cried and cried. As soon as the tears began we turned to the right and yet again a mile long opening that followed the great lake Michigan! And it was then a whirlwind of confusion! We want to cry for her, but yet we just had to smile because it was like a little glimpse of heaven from our sweet Miranda. We got into Saint Ignance and the life there seemed so fast paced that it just didnt feel right. We got out for a bit but felt very uncomfortable. So then we choose to leave that town. As we are heading out we find another nice quiet lookout point over Lake Huron this time with a secluded park right along the lake shore. We spent a few minutes where Nicholas and Ashalyn threw rocks into the lake and then found the park. Within the first 2 minutes of being there we ventured down a double slide and splashed right into a huge puddle of water, soaking Ashalyn and Nicholas. We laughed some, but then realized we had no more clothes....so time to head back an hour back to Nick's dad's house. On the way back the wind blew harder and the bad weather picked up. Lake Michigan waves were HUGE, so we pulled off the side of the road and enjoyed that together for a bit. And now we are back at the house where it is pouring down rain. Ashalyn napping, Nicholas sitting in the dark and me blogging.
We talked some and we both have that exact same feeling of...."what the H*** are we supposed to do today." It's been a day of so many mixed emotions, a day of hurt, a day of lonliness, a day of jealousy, a day of laughter (at times), a day of peacefulness, and a day of PURE EMPTINESS.
I think we anticipated this day sooo much, wondering how it was going to go, how we were going to feel, and how we were going to react...that now that it's here WE ARE JUST CONFUSED. It is far beyond our control of understand and comprehending. We are able to talk about our future with our future children, we are able to share memories and stories of our past. But as for today....we just feel....BLAH....CONFUSED....TORN BETWEEN THE EMOTIONS.....and EMPTY!!
WE JUST CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO WRAP OURSELVES AROUND TODAY....YET ALONE TRY TO EXPLAIN!!!

Could it be so.....maybe???

So....a few posts back I wrote about our first disappointment in the adoption process. We had a lead to two children that INSTANTLY melted our hearts!!! Then we were told that this week would be where the team of professions would sit down and evaluate their case and find a family for them. So we just missed the date...we will not be licensed until Oct/early November! We were very disappointed that we just missed it but realized that as long as they have a loving family we were happy. They brought smiles and joy to our life for the time being!! They meant sooo much to me, that I never once stopped praying!! My ways of prayer changed though...that the right family was found!!! Well, I received a call today. There has been no match yet so they are still available for adoption!!!! Now, we still have time to wait because our home study is still in the works but...could it be? That maybe they still could be our children?? I'm trying not to get my hopes up....but I can pray again in other ways!!!! I can honestly say, whether they will be our children or not, I LOVE THOSE TWO KIDS!!!! Something about praying for them just makes my day!!!!! :-)
SO....for those following our blog with the adoption process......KEEP PRAYING!!!! :)

Finally I can post about our process BEYOND paperwork!

Well, today is the first I feel I can post about our adoption/foster care beyond the paperwork! 2 weeks back with had an interview as a couple and tonight was the start of my interview individually. Nicholas and Ashalyn left the house for the evening so that I could meet individually with our caseworker for a 2 hour interview about every little detail of my life. We covered the normal personality questions, strengths and weaknesses, life changing events, etc. But there were also scenario questions...in example. How would you feel as a parent if a sheriff deputy and caseworker showed up and took your child from your home. If you were a child being pulled from your home what emotions would you feel. Give an example in your life where you have shown your coping with delayed gratification. And what emotions do you think a parent losing their child to the foster care system goes through. All in depth things you have to think about when wanting to work with foster/adoptive families.
In a sense there was paperwork. Every answer I gave went down into our home study pages for agencies to look at when making a placement. But it really gave me the chance to dig deeper into why we want to do what we are doing. There's things in our life happening right now that would make it SOO easy to say, "you know, let's hold off, nows not the time for us." But with it all we both really feel that no matter what is going on in our life that we are being led into parenting (fostering) children that are in need of a good, loving and safe home...and who knows, maybe one day we will meet a child that is meant to be part of our permanant family. I could not be any more excited about this process and next phase in our life and my growing family!! I am LOVING this journey....paperwork and all!!!!!

that hole in your heart feeling....

Well, we did it to ourselves again. We went on vacation and had a blast and then we had to come home. I dont know what it is but once we hop in the car home from either of the family lake homes we cry on the way home. I cant even begin to explain it but there is that hole. There is a deep ache in our hearts that we talk about each trip home. We dread being here and we count down the days til our next return...away from everything. Where it is all thrown in our face constantly. Before I always enjoyed returning home after a trip, but lately it SUCKS! WE walk in the doors and we both look at each other and usually race to ask the other if we are ready to hop back in the truck and leave this place. Like I said, neither of us can explain this feeling...but I know exactly what Nicholas is talking about and he knows what I feel. Visiting the cemertary is different. Majority of the time, unless taking flowers we slow down instead of getting out. Not that we are closing that part from our lives, but because we no longer can feel her there. We feel her more when we are out and about as a family. I don't know if this is one of the stages they say you go thru but the cemetary is more of a dreary place of the hurt and the what ifs and should of beens...and our time on the lake is more of a "there will be a day". Now all this rambling really probably doesnt make sense, but I'm trying to figure out this hole again. Trying to adjust back into the rhelm of the everyday yet again! Bear with me please!!