Saturday, October 23, 2010

"Are you sure you can do that?"

So, a few times over the courses of the months we have had people as us the same question over and over? And we finally have had the heart to explain why we chose the foster to adopt path verses the private adoption.
I have been tearing myself up wondering if we are doing the right thing. Last few times at church I have left church nearly in tears because different people, pastors, friends, etc ask us..."you know that Adriel (the agency we are going through) is foster to adopt right?" Part of me got angry at first, not understanding why it mattered. Then I began to think, what is the big deal and why can't you just be supportive of our decision. But with the training we have been undergoing I can honestly now look at these people when they ask and say, "yes, we do understand and we do know what we are doing and WE DO feel this is where we are being led."
Just this past week one of our faithful friends, someone we used as a referance for our adoption, came to Nicholas and said, "Do you really think you can let the children go? In a sense it's like a death of your children."
So....I'm here to try and explain this to our faithful readers and prayer warriers. We understand if a child is brought into our home for months, maybe even years, there is a chance that we will not get to adopt them. That they will be reunited with their birth parents. And i am sure that will hurt once we are attached. But let me try to explain!
Just this past training we had, we heard the story of a dad that used his children as target practice in the living room. The children came into foster care with lumps all over their body only to find little bbs impelted into their skin. So we can look at them leaving our home to go back to their family or another foster family as a death, like this dear friend said....or we can look at it as, saving a child's life while the parents get the treatment they need to make themselves "better" to better care for their children. Yes, we could in turn hurt when saying goodbye again, but the difference to us....that child didn't die. That child still is very much alive on this earth, maybe with the feeling of wanting to die, but aren't able to protect themselves. As parents, no matter how hard we tried, we were unable to protect Miranda and Briley. And we had SOOOOO much love to give them. I still long for that physical love all the time. I still would love to give her the biggest hug and kiss and hold her on my chest as she falls asleep. But I can't. And it saddens me to no end knowing their are children out there, alive in this world...that have NO IDEA what parental love is, nor a hug for that matter.
Yes, we do understand the trials that can come with being a "foster parent" but we have NO DOUBT in our mind that this is where God is calling us to be at this point in our lives. We have taken a few remarks from people that have hurt. We keep hearing, "maybe you should talk to so and so because they didnt have a good experience with foster care/adoption." Honestly, there are times we have come home and we look at each other and say, "so did you feel like we were being looked down upon for this decision?" So, we would like to express a HUGE thank you to all our true friends and family that have supported us in this decision!! I can say WITHOUT a doubt in my mind, that we are ready for all that this has to bring us. We are aware of the late night runaways and the vulgarity that might come with it (that's what our trainings have been informing us of) and we are also aware of the fact that the day might come that we will have to say good bye when we thought they would be a part of our family forever. We are aware of all the labels foster parents have. (where they lock them in cages, starve them and rape them) Nicholas and I aren't those people and we are making this decison based upon prayer and the support that we do have! We are also aware of life's tragic moments and the importance of loving a child to the end. And if we have to say good bye to these children, they will always remain in our heart and be part of our eternal family. And our reward for caring for these children couldnt be greater...........eternal love from our Father who didnt neglect us when we lived in fear and death of our child!

And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.

Matthew 18:5


Mom said...

Very well said Valerie.Dad and I totally understand what you are saying. With us being foster parents to 23 different children in our home we know what it is like to have to tell them goodbye. It is VERY hard to let them go when you have put all your love and energy into their lives while they are with you. It has been great to keep in contact with some of the children. It is a GREAT reward. It will be very rewarding to you and Nicholas also. Whether you just give them a home for a while or they live with you forever you will make super great parents to them. This will be a time in your life that you will never forget. We are with you all the way through this whole process. We are praying for you. Love you.

Tom and Britt said...

I'm sorry and heart broken to hear all the negative remarks you two have had to face. On the other hand I'm glad that the truth of the Bible still stands the test of time. I guess it would be weird if you didn't face some kind of opposition from the adversary. The devil is a liar. Praise God for you two and your willingness to stand for something against the odds and spread the Love of Christ through it. Brittany and I are huge supporters and big fans. Stand strong in the battle. We too are praying for you. With love

-T and B

Deanna said...

Nick & Valerie, I am so, so sorry that you have experienced negativity especially at church. That saddens me. I do understand hurtful words and people not realizing what they are are hurtful. Sometimes when one takes a different path, it seems Christians are the first in with negative comments. I don't know why but we, too, have experience that with choosing to home teach our children. It really does hurt. I understand. I'm assuming people are saying things because they think you didn't "think about that". When in actuality you do know what you are getting into. As I was reading it I thought of your mom and dad and the foster kids they had. What a great example your parents are to you. I can see your love for children every time you look at kids or talk about your day care kids on facebook. God gave you that love for a reason. Aren't we told in church to "do" with your passion? I think you are. God never said we would never have any hurts once we followed him. If the foster kids do go back to where ever they go (I don't know much about foster care), God will equip you in handling that loss of love. I think it is great that you two are extending your love to others. Again, I am so sorry words have hurt you. It hurts me just reading it.

Gretchen said...


This is a wonderful post because it shows how much God is growing you along this journey. There is no such thing as a padded cross, and what would we need faith for if we were never put into difficult situations. It seems to me that he is preparing you for something far greater than bearing the words of a few. In fact, you have already been through much more difficult things, and you are rising up, gloriously to serve him. With our adoption of a child with Down Syndrome, the words get bad too, but they are quickly fleeting when compared with the words of hope, and the knowledge that we are serving the only one who has the power to judge us in this life or any other, and we are doing that according to his word. So, the word is the only one that counts. Adopting (no matter the exact process), is a special earthly gift that God gives a chosen few. I am so happy for your family that God spoke in your heart and allowed it to be open to such a wonderful opportunity to grow in love. There is an awesome blog I read about all of this and I think you would like it, if you have not already seen it. It is Amy's blog at:

She writes about the practical, everyday life of living God's word through the gift of adoption. I get much from her thoughts and examples.

You guys hang tough - you are doing the right good, and I am sure these passing words (which you will give no power to) will soon leave you, you have been so blessed.

Kathleen said...

Valerie, I think no matter what decision a person makes, someone will always have an opinion as Deanna said. When I first decided not to go back to work after Jason was born, people made comments about "why wasn't I working". After Dave and I made the best decision for us which was for me to go back to work, people also commented "why are you working". You just need to keep in mind that you and Nick have prayed about this and are making the best decision for the two of you.

Julie said...

Preach it sister!!
We will continue to pray for you! People who are unsupportive and say hurtful things are not walking in your shoes. You continue to do what God is calling you to do and may the Blessings be abundant!!

Our sweet Miranda

Our sweet Miranda


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