Saturday, September 18, 2010

Dying to Post

I have been dying to write this post. I have wrote it over and over but been too afraid to hit "post". I keep saying to myself "if I do, then people can pray for me. If I don't they can't." But also...."if I do, then it's that much harder to undo it if things don't work out."
And with that comment, I admit. I am SCARED TO DEATH! Anytime I am feeling great I panic. Anytime I feel a chill or feverish I panic. Anytime I recall any little moment from the past, I Panic. And finally, anytime I think happy thoughts about this baby, you got it...I PANIC. I am living in fear in a sense.
My past pregnancy with Briley got me through some very tough times. It helped us handle seeing new babies. It gave us a hope in the future when we felt we could not go on. And it gave us a hope in having future children after the tramatic birth of Miranda. We were super excited. And then that was ripped from us as well.
With Briley we made a decision to do something that most would not do at that week in the pregnancy. We also buried Briley...right next to Miranda. (this is some info that not many might know about us) But when sitting in the hospital waiting for Briley to be delivered, we debated. We went back and forth with the nurse. We fulled out the birth certificate but then resistated with the death certificate. We were NOT sure we had the money for another funeral but as soon as that death certificate was signed it was something we had to do for the baby. So we went back and forth....do we want to go through that again??
Well, I hesistate in saying this...but having that private burial was the best thing we could of done for ourselves. We buried Briley at a point when we were physically more capable of "being there" if that makes any sense. Nicholas and I were able to go down there, free of pain (not completely, but compared to Miranda's funeral) and we were able to focus on our grief as a couple, as parents, and we were able to turn our emotions into something more healthy and positive. Not only then were we able to grieve the loss of Briley, we were able to grieve Miranda. All by ourselves, without other people telling us how we should feel, without sitting there in so much pain that it's unbearable (at her funeral we were still pretty drugged up), and without the harsh, unloving feelings of hurt, jealousy, hatred, you name it.
But all that didn't change the one thing we still fear! And that's having to do it all over again, for a third time. I never ever imagined in our 3 years of marriage that we would of had these struggles and emotions, but I believe it is something that will now always stick with us til death do us part. I don't want to do it again now, nor 60 years from now.
With that fear, we were afraid to go at this adventure again. We were afraid to announce again that we are expecting. And we will NOT stop holding our breath until the result is us bringing a real, living baby home in our arms!! But all that fear does NOT mean we are not excited. BECAUSE BELIEVE ME...ANNOUNCING THE OTHER DAY THAT WE HEARD A HEARTBEAT....was absolutely amazing. I have never felt so proud to say that yes, we saw a very active and full of life baby moving inside of my womb on September 15th!
That ultrasound was the most emotional but yet heartwarming moment we have experience since last September 7th, when we heard and saw our baby for the very last time. It brought back flashbacks, but it brought back so much of our hope as a family. We may be living in a little fear, but we couldnt be more thankful to our Lord above for giving us this opportunity to be mom and dad yet again, whether for the time being or for our lifetime, we will now be the proud parents of 4 children. 2 living and 2 in heaven. Our prayers are that the status of our children does not change, but no matter what we know who our God is and poop on Satan....literally!
So....NOW THAT WE HAVE SEEN AND HEARD A STRONG HEARTBEAT....PLEASE JOIN US ON THIS EXCITING JOURNEY!! JOin us in prayer and in the blogworld as we continue to defeat that nasty devil guy. WE ARE LIVING PROOF OF GOD'S AWESOMENESS AND UNFAILING, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!
We honestly believe God has SOOOO much instore for our Earthly family that we CANNOT wait to share this journey and adventure as we grow and wait for our day to all be reunited! (that all being said, continue to check back on our adoption process as well...God still is calling us on that path...just has blessed us in the meantime in yet another way!)

5 comments:

Lauren said...

congratulations!! I will absolutely be praying for you! :)

Kristen said...

So many big smiles and prayers coming your way!

Teri D said...

Praying for your family!

Kathy said...

So many prayers have been said for you, Nicholas, Ashalyn & the baby. Will continue to keep you family in my prayers. Give Ashalyn a kiss & hug from Grandma. I miss seeing her. Love you. Mom

simplyrebekah said...

This is WONDERFUL news!!! I am so happy for you!

Our sweet Miranda

Our sweet Miranda

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