Sunday, August 29, 2010

that hole in your heart feeling....

Well, we did it to ourselves again. We went on vacation and had a blast and then we had to come home. I dont know what it is but once we hop in the car home from either of the family lake homes we cry on the way home. I cant even begin to explain it but there is that hole. There is a deep ache in our hearts that we talk about each trip home. We dread being here and we count down the days til our next return...away from everything. Where it is all thrown in our face constantly. Before I always enjoyed returning home after a trip, but lately it SUCKS! WE walk in the doors and we both look at each other and usually race to ask the other if we are ready to hop back in the truck and leave this place. Like I said, neither of us can explain this feeling...but I know exactly what Nicholas is talking about and he knows what I feel. Visiting the cemertary is different. Majority of the time, unless taking flowers we slow down instead of getting out. Not that we are closing that part from our lives, but because we no longer can feel her there. We feel her more when we are out and about as a family. I don't know if this is one of the stages they say you go thru but the cemetary is more of a dreary place of the hurt and the what ifs and should of beens...and our time on the lake is more of a "there will be a day". Now all this rambling really probably doesnt make sense, but I'm trying to figure out this hole again. Trying to adjust back into the rhelm of the everyday yet again! Bear with me please!!


Kristen said...

I think it makes clear sense from this outward view I have into your lives. It's a lot to process and there's just something quite emotional about a one year anniversary. The grief starts to feel stronger again for a time. I heard one mom tell of her experience like this: that the one year mark felt like a deeper depth of division. She could no longer say, "One year ago my baby was still alive, with us here." She felt like there was a connection, a closeness on the timeline of their lives before that one year mark. But when that first year lapsed, life felt like it was forcefully moving on, traveling away from the year she last felt her baby here. A deeper separation, she called it. Like the freshness was leaving. But then after that she said things started to feel a little easier in the grief department on that 2nd year. They were entering a year where there was no longer new 1st's - 1st Christmas without them, 1st Easter, 1st Family gathering, 1st time seeing another child the age their baby would have been, etc....they had already experienced most of those "1st's" in that first year and that made the 2nd year feel a little smoother.

I don't know if it feels like that same way for you or will, each processes differently, but in the same way you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Mom said...

Thank you so much for coming to visit dad and I at Little Eden. We had a great time with you, Nicholas and Ashalyn. So many times I thought about your family and how it would be so different if your little babies would of been with us. Tears flow so easy when you leave so I know what you are talking about. Continuing to pray for your family as you go through this next week. This is really hard on us as grandparents also. We pray for you this next year as "SPECIAL" things will happen. Love you guys and you are always in our prayers.

Our sweet Miranda

Our sweet Miranda


Blog Archive