what the h*** are we supposed to do today?

Okay, so first excuse my language in my title...but honestly today feels like a complete day of confusion and blah-fulness (is that a word?)
Yesterday was Labor day. Today is the day Miranda was born, a year ago. But our accident happened on Labor Day. So yesterday we honored her in many ways. Nicholas walked the bridge and then my father-in-law and step-mother-in-law paid for us to get over to the island. Once we got there we loaded a horse carriage and we toured the island as our small little family. The first actually stop happened to be Mackinac Islands butterfly house. Soft music was playing and butterflies floated so gracefully about. We sat there on a bench together, Nicholas, Ashalyn and I and we cried. And we smiled. And we cried some more. We even laughed some. We then went back on the carriage to the lookout rock and we saw miles and miles of the beautiful great lakes. We remembered Miranda in such a "healthy" way. We had so much fun together as our little family.
And then there is today......the day we should be celebrating as her first birthday! And we had all these plans for the day and this is what we ended up with. We drove to Saint Ignance. On the way we got a very emotional and heartfelt text from Nick's sister, Lindsay! It meant the world to us....but we cried and cried. As soon as the tears began we turned to the right and yet again a mile long opening that followed the great lake Michigan! And it was then a whirlwind of confusion! We want to cry for her, but yet we just had to smile because it was like a little glimpse of heaven from our sweet Miranda. We got into Saint Ignance and the life there seemed so fast paced that it just didnt feel right. We got out for a bit but felt very uncomfortable. So then we choose to leave that town. As we are heading out we find another nice quiet lookout point over Lake Huron this time with a secluded park right along the lake shore. We spent a few minutes where Nicholas and Ashalyn threw rocks into the lake and then found the park. Within the first 2 minutes of being there we ventured down a double slide and splashed right into a huge puddle of water, soaking Ashalyn and Nicholas. We laughed some, but then realized we had no more clothes....so time to head back an hour back to Nick's dad's house. On the way back the wind blew harder and the bad weather picked up. Lake Michigan waves were HUGE, so we pulled off the side of the road and enjoyed that together for a bit. And now we are back at the house where it is pouring down rain. Ashalyn napping, Nicholas sitting in the dark and me blogging.
We talked some and we both have that exact same feeling of...."what the H*** are we supposed to do today." It's been a day of so many mixed emotions, a day of hurt, a day of lonliness, a day of jealousy, a day of laughter (at times), a day of peacefulness, and a day of PURE EMPTINESS.
I think we anticipated this day sooo much, wondering how it was going to go, how we were going to feel, and how we were going to react...that now that it's here WE ARE JUST CONFUSED. It is far beyond our control of understand and comprehending. We are able to talk about our future with our future children, we are able to share memories and stories of our past. But as for today....we just feel....BLAH....CONFUSED....TORN BETWEEN THE EMOTIONS.....and EMPTY!!
WE JUST CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO WRAP OURSELVES AROUND TODAY....YET ALONE TRY TO EXPLAIN!!!

Could it be so.....maybe???

So....a few posts back I wrote about our first disappointment in the adoption process. We had a lead to two children that INSTANTLY melted our hearts!!! Then we were told that this week would be where the team of professions would sit down and evaluate their case and find a family for them. So we just missed the date...we will not be licensed until Oct/early November! We were very disappointed that we just missed it but realized that as long as they have a loving family we were happy. They brought smiles and joy to our life for the time being!! They meant sooo much to me, that I never once stopped praying!! My ways of prayer changed though...that the right family was found!!! Well, I received a call today. There has been no match yet so they are still available for adoption!!!! Now, we still have time to wait because our home study is still in the works but...could it be? That maybe they still could be our children?? I'm trying not to get my hopes up....but I can pray again in other ways!!!! I can honestly say, whether they will be our children or not, I LOVE THOSE TWO KIDS!!!! Something about praying for them just makes my day!!!!! :-)
SO....for those following our blog with the adoption process......KEEP PRAYING!!!! :)

Finally I can post about our process BEYOND paperwork!

Well, today is the first I feel I can post about our adoption/foster care beyond the paperwork! 2 weeks back with had an interview as a couple and tonight was the start of my interview individually. Nicholas and Ashalyn left the house for the evening so that I could meet individually with our caseworker for a 2 hour interview about every little detail of my life. We covered the normal personality questions, strengths and weaknesses, life changing events, etc. But there were also scenario questions...in example. How would you feel as a parent if a sheriff deputy and caseworker showed up and took your child from your home. If you were a child being pulled from your home what emotions would you feel. Give an example in your life where you have shown your coping with delayed gratification. And what emotions do you think a parent losing their child to the foster care system goes through. All in depth things you have to think about when wanting to work with foster/adoptive families.
In a sense there was paperwork. Every answer I gave went down into our home study pages for agencies to look at when making a placement. But it really gave me the chance to dig deeper into why we want to do what we are doing. There's things in our life happening right now that would make it SOO easy to say, "you know, let's hold off, nows not the time for us." But with it all we both really feel that no matter what is going on in our life that we are being led into parenting (fostering) children that are in need of a good, loving and safe home...and who knows, maybe one day we will meet a child that is meant to be part of our permanant family. I could not be any more excited about this process and next phase in our life and my growing family!! I am LOVING this journey....paperwork and all!!!!!

that hole in your heart feeling....

Well, we did it to ourselves again. We went on vacation and had a blast and then we had to come home. I dont know what it is but once we hop in the car home from either of the family lake homes we cry on the way home. I cant even begin to explain it but there is that hole. There is a deep ache in our hearts that we talk about each trip home. We dread being here and we count down the days til our next return...away from everything. Where it is all thrown in our face constantly. Before I always enjoyed returning home after a trip, but lately it SUCKS! WE walk in the doors and we both look at each other and usually race to ask the other if we are ready to hop back in the truck and leave this place. Like I said, neither of us can explain this feeling...but I know exactly what Nicholas is talking about and he knows what I feel. Visiting the cemertary is different. Majority of the time, unless taking flowers we slow down instead of getting out. Not that we are closing that part from our lives, but because we no longer can feel her there. We feel her more when we are out and about as a family. I don't know if this is one of the stages they say you go thru but the cemetary is more of a dreary place of the hurt and the what ifs and should of beens...and our time on the lake is more of a "there will be a day". Now all this rambling really probably doesnt make sense, but I'm trying to figure out this hole again. Trying to adjust back into the rhelm of the everyday yet again! Bear with me please!!

"....that would be a good family"

A news interviewer asks this child in particular what he is looking for in a family. And his response was, "um, I want someone that loves me and doesnt abuse me...that would be a good family."

Instant tears on my end. And Nicholas became angry and saddened. That's when we knew that where we are headed in life right now is EXACTLY where God wants us to be. In a way I feel too "young" for this or not experience enough, so over and over I've been praying "God, are you sure?" I've questioned our path a few times, but each time I do a verse, an email, a message, something is thrown at me reminding me daily that Nicholas and I were brought together to parent not only our own biological children but the orphaned, the neglected and the abused.

We have been searching hours upon hours the adopt U.S website of waiting children to find families. And it saddens me to see the children's pictures with a number next to it and some of their info next to it. After hours of searching one night a new case appeared.....and instantly Nicholas and I fell in love. These two children had smiles of gold. Hugging each other, this brother and sister group, melted our heart. We prayed and prayed for these children. And then we contacted our caseworker about them. We couldnt get our paperwork done fast enough...but then we got some bad news. Well, not bad...just not what we were hoping for. These children's team meeting (where a family is picked) is September 3rd. And our lincense process will not be over until end of October. So we just missed them.

Instantly our hearts sank. And we experienced our first broken heart in the adoption process. So I asked God, "what is it that you want from us. Here we are following your calling for us, we found the children that we seemed to instantly connect too..and now they aren't available." And that's when I heard Him. "Valerie, those children gave you a smile TODAY! Take that as today's opportunity to love them and pray for them!"

So with lots of prayer for these children I am able to say, we may not be that family for them, but as long as they find one that fits them and that can love them and that they can bring the happiness they broguht to me in the past weeks then I can let them go. However, I have NOT stopped praying that if they are the children for us that something miraclous happens. (which it still could. If a family is not found the case stays open longer and then we can submit our homestudy and life book!) But those two children brought so much to me on that particular day and the days leading up to now. They gave me a hope in our future as a family and reminded me to pray, not only for the children we will eventually bring into our family, but all the children out there waiting for homes.

It's been a while, as I said I would blog the process, but believe me when I say this.....right now, it's nothing interesting....but paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork...oh and our fire inspection today...but with that....MORE PAPERWORK!!! I promise to keep blogging, but just bare with me through this beginning phase of....you got it....PAPERWORK!!!

WAYS YOU CAN PRAY FOR US THIS WEEK:
*our preperation for our safety audit
*for our patience as we begin this long drawn out process of WAITING
*for the protection of our children, whereever they are
*that the financial aspect of it continues to come in
*(not adoption related) the accident settlement...we are getting close to a year and we are praying we are getting near to closing the insurance part of that!
*and for every child that deserves a family and that are just out there waiting!!

high and low light of my day

I am in tears tonight. It's been one of those emotional rollercoaster days. We were blessed tonight in a way I cant even explain. I asked on facebook if anyone had a set of bunk beds they wanted to SELL....and within minutes got a phone call....someone had some to give us because they knew they'd be used for good cause.....well....I admit...I was a little skeptical...someone's GIVING AWAY bunkbeds? Boy, did I stick my thoughts in my mouth.....these bunk beds are brand spankin' new. New mattresses and even a dresser. We are so blessed and grateful for these beds. It brings tears to even think about it. And then they even had people here to help deliver and set them up for us. They don't know how special they are to us for thinkin' of us in this way.

And then shortly after that there was a down moment....I look at my husband trying to go up the stairs and his face just read severe pain. All along in the back of my mind I know when he says he's feeling fine he's really not...but i thought he'd tell me when he was in pain. Well tonight he admits to me (i think because i caught him) how much pain he still is in. he refuses pain medicine and refuses to admit the physical pain because he says he wants to believe his leg will get better....but tonight he admitted he thinks it will always hurts and he's just trying to accept it. I see him daily stop mid track to refocus on walking. I see him cringe at the site of stairs. It just breaks my heart that he still has to go through all this physical pain, but feels the need to be strong for Ashalyn and I. So tonight I tear up for him....because i love him and care...and HATE seeing him this way. So if you have a minute...please please say a prayer for him after you read this. The pain isn't residing much (he probably will never tell you that!) and since he's been back to work it has seem to get worse. I don't believe him standing on concrete all day has been good for him. My heart just breaks to hear him talk the way he did tonight. So please please continue to keep him in your prayers!! Thanks for all the prayers thus far!! We are blessed by some great prayer warriors and are ever so grateful!!

pure exhaustion has set in

wow! That's really all I can say. I truely have learned what it means to be exhausted. I dont recall feeling this way before EVER and not had an excuse. I remember being this tired when I was pregnant with Ashalyn, but now I am just worn out...no reason really, other than a busy schedule.
In the past week, we've moved, went on vacation, getting ready for our fundraising garage sale, and painted, decorated and started to tackle the weeds in the flower beds. My house is still trashed and I have boxes left unpacked everywhere. I am beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed....EXHAUSTED!
Also, we both have been to the doctors this past week. GREAT NEWS for me, NOT SO GREAT FOR NICHOLAS. Unfortunately Nicholas' leg still has not healed. He broke his femur in 3 pieces and the small middle piece was crushed...so that's what is taking so long to heal. The orthopedic surgeon is giving him 3 months yet for it to heal or another surgery will be needed to place a bigger nail in it. As for my news...I went to the OBGYN in Toledo and he did another ultrasound of my female organs and he says "everything appears to be making a good return to normal and has begun to heal." He did give us the okay to try again if we'd like, but he also said more time wouldnt be a bad thing either. He cannot promise anything at this point, but he does believe that I could have a healthy pregnancy yet. I had two of them up til the accident so he believes it is possible but doesn't bring me out of the woods as far as not being high risk for future complications. Right now we are relying on faith and prayer.
BY NO MEANS does this change our mind on adoption. We are set that this is where we are to be and part of the bigger plan in our life. We cannot wait to meet our child, birth family, etc. And if God has more plans on top of that with us having another biological baby than we will go with it....but it will NOT change our adoption status.
However, there is one thing that has changed. Financially the $16,000 is harder to come up with than we expected so well we raise that money we will be doing the training and licensing for foster care. Maybe then we will meet our child in that process and we will go about that route and use the money saved to buy new bed, clothes, etc for him/her. We are so ready to make this dream a reality and to help give love and a home to children that need it that we are NOT going to let the money aspect get in the way. For now we are going to foster or maybe even foster to adopt and continue to raise the money needed for the private agency!
And finally, one last thing...I LOVE OUR HOUSE! It's almost like a new beginning for our life. We will NEVER forget our past, our sweet children, the accident. NONE OF IT! But we come into this house fresh. Where we can start our life here on earth with a new beginning sort of. We can remember Miranda and Briley and happy moments. We can leave the constant reminder of death (being right across from the cemetary)and remember the times she kicked us or when we held her in our arms. It's hard to explain without sounding like we are moving on...because we aren't really. We are trying to find ways to still be happy with the life we are given but in a more positive way if that makes any sense.
This post is very scatterbrained...but it's been a while and LOTS going on in our little world I guess!! Hope you all enjoyed your forth! I'm off to bed before I fall asleep here at the computer! Good night all!