the BUTTERFLY!

I am going to share something that many don't know about me, some of you I'm sure have already heard it so please bear with me through it all. This story reminds me everyday how God knows all, long before we do.

About 5 and a half years ago I got one of those forbidden tattoos. I never found tattoos all that intriguing and honestly I'm not sure what propelled me to drive to the tattoo parlor that morning. Never before in my life had I wanted a tattoo. But here is the story behind this tattoo and how it leads to our lives today.

I graduated high school in May, 2001. About a week after I left for Traverse City Michigan. I went up to Little Eden Camp and worked there for the summer. I was dating someone at the time, but very unhappy with him. All the college kids there were either happily dating or in the process of finding love that summer. I remember sitting on the deck at the lodge having a bit of quiet time to myself and 3 small butterflies flew right on by me. And for some reason it sent me into a complete daydream wondering what my life ahead holds....which automatically led me to wonder who I would marry or even if I would. I knew I was off to college in a few short months, so with that I made the decision to pray daily for my future husband. I know that sounds silly because at that time I had no idea who it was or whether I even knew him at that point.

I made it through the first semester of college doing great with this newfound commitment, and then the second, and then....with that my college life started to lead me into some wild times, where slowly I began to forget to pray. I would pray only as life got tough or over big exams....but never praying anymore for my future spouse. I was living a life that could of very easily hurt my husband. And believe it or not, it was yet another butterfly that brought me back to my senses.

It was a night in December 2004 that I couldn't sleep, so I laid in bed with a pencil and a notebook and caught myself to daydream as I wrote. I don't know if any of you ever catch yourself doodling while you are on the phone or kind of in a daze, but that's what I was doing. Without thinkin' what I was doing my pencil began to draw; first a little star that was more like a trinkle than anything (2 of them actually) and then a butterfly....and that's when the tears began to flow.

On my notebook a saw a small little butterfly, that once again reminded me to pray for him whoever he was. So, as the night went on I started praying again....and slowly began to realize that the way I was living my life was definately not honoring our marriage. (once again, still not married or knowing who he was). So after not sleeping almost all night, first thing in the morning I called my friend Emily and said, "you want to go with me to get a tattoo?" I think she was pretty shocked, matter of fact....I WAS SHOCKED! What was I about to do??

I walked into the parlor and the first person I saw, completely covered in tattoos and piercings. "This place is not for me" I thought. So I started to turn around and walk out and something just told me...do it Valerie. So, without more thought than me doodling the night before I walked back and gave the tattoo artist the picture I doodled!! He traced it on my foot and began to ink me up! And that's how I got the tattoo.

Now, my reason? That was my daily reminder to pray for my future, my spouse and my marriage. And at this point, I still did not know who, when or even if! But from that day on,I changed the way I thought about guys and the way I lived the rest of my college days. That hour of pain was the end of a life that very easily could have caused lots of emotional pain/hurt to my husband.

As life progressed I encountered many more butterflies and every single time I saidn an extra prayer that day. So butterflies have always been my thing! And soon after Nicholas and I started dating they became OUR thing!! He was the very first guy I dated that I told the meaning behind my tattoo (and I am so so very thankfull he was so forgiving and understanding from the start!)

So, at the beginning of all this, I said that this story reminds me daily of how God knows all!!! And this is how it all ties into that thought and our lives now. For about 3 weeks before our accident there were 2 butterflies that I think found their home nestled in the tree by our big front window of our house. Literally everyday I'd see these butterflies and just smile! Nicholas would be at work and so I'd say a prayer whenever I'd see them. Praying for a good day for him, his protection at work, whatever came to mind. And now looking back at it and realizing the symbolic meaning behind a butterfly I truly believe that God placed the "butterfly" in our lives to help us "heal" in our grieving of our beautiful Miranda and then with Briley. The butterfly has always helped us to pray for each other and our lives together. The tattoo on my foot was a new beginning to a great new future, that future that I have with Nicholas and our family. And then you'd be amazed at how many poems in memory of lost loved ones talk about the butterfly. At the Memorial Lighting in the neonatel unit at St V's Hospital the ornament on the Christmas tree honoring Miranda was a purple butterfly. For Christmas this year Nicholas' dad got us a gift in memory of Miranda, it was a rose with a butterfly sitting on it. I never knew the true symbolic meaning of a butterfly til now, but I do believe that God placed that one in my life many years ago on the deck at Little Eden to start preparing me for the day He would take my daughter home with Him. The prayers that I prayed for Nicholas before we were together for his path and to help build his faith, I believe to were to help us now. And knowing that and the butterfly has honestly helped us in the grieving process. It amazes us to think how one butterfly led to a simple prayer for our lives together, and then the tattoo of a butterfly led to prayers for us, for the things we will encounter and then the image of a butterfly now reminds us of our precious little girl and our dear Briley.

With all this we are reminded of God's plans being set in place long before we could ever imagine! And with each season I try to remember to pray and to be thankful that 5 years ago I chose to follow the path of a butterfly to the wonderful life I live today.....with my husband that is here to help me through all these trying times, times of tears, times of laughter, times of grief, and times of happiness. So as you can see, the butterfly will always be our thing! We will always smile and remember our children at the sight of the beautiful creature....and to this day, I do NOT regret my tattoo....matter of fact, each day it becomes more and more meaningful and more and more symbolic that we truly owe it all to our Father in Heaven, who has been watching over us as a family for years, long before Nicholas and I were together and long before Ashalyn, Miranda and Briley were created in my womb!

Each day I miss my beautiful children more and more, but I long for and look forward to the day we were reunited at the gates of Heaven!! I'm sure they are enjoying this spring in Jesus' arms and pray that each day as we get closer and closer to seeing them again that the symbol on my foot will continue to remind us of how great that day will be!

Now, with that story being shared, and the pictures from Nicholas and Ashalyn chose to take me to the Butterfly house for mother's day! It was perfect!! Hundreds of butterflies flying around; some landing on us, full of beauty and many colors, all reminding us of our love for each other. And reminding me the reason I have been blessed to be a mother. This life as a mother is not at all what I drempt...but I wouldn't change who my children are for anything. As tough as it is I will someday understand why I was a mother chosen to walk in these shoes....someday I'll get the answers that this earth and life cannot provide for me.

where to begin

I'm not even sure where to begin at this point. I knew the next month was going to be crazy but seriously, come'on! I was super excited about the months ahead because we had so much going on. I definately like living the fast paced life, but I will be glad when July rolls around. I signed up to help out with different church and community events and they all fall in June, with lots of prep work the months leading up to it! But this blog post brings me back to a post a few weeks back about us moving.
We had met with a loan officer and at this point everything had to be put on hold. All dating back to our accident. As some may know, insurance adjusters DO NOT CARE that they are putting your life on hold when they take their time with a settlement. Very few of our hospital bills have been paid yet....and we were advised NOT to pay them. So, we wait. We wait for the insurance company of the at fault driver to step up and pay the bills. Which in turns, shows up as "pending medical bills" on our credit report. So that credit score that we worked so hard at keeping up is now being destroyed as I type this. Not a whole lot more discouraging as that, as it will affect the rest of our lives.
Now, some may be thinkin'....why would you not pay them. Let me give you a brief insight of what we are looking at. All 3 of us were lifeflighted at $8,000 a piece. Nicholas and Ashalyn were transported to the local hospital first by ambulance at $7,000. Ashalyn's pediatric ICU bill was $17,000, not including her drs, tests, medications, etc. That was for her bed alone that she did NOT sleep in much of the time. I had a fractured skull and the head scan alone was $5,000. Not to mention my 3 surgeries, Nicholas' 4 surgeries, our ICU stay, our Emergancy room appearance, our tests, catscans, xrays, therapy from OT, PT and Speech pathologist. Our continued visits following the accident. And so on. We are ever so greatful for Sauder Manufacturing that picked up and covered most of our bills through our own health insurance...but we are still looking at $70,000 out of pocket at this point. So I am praying and hoping the insurance company steps up real soon.
With all that being said, we have accepted the fact that our current living situation is best for us for now. Or at least we thought!!! Last night our landlord called us and said that their daughter would like to buy the house we are living in and we have til the end of July to find a house and move out. So now we are back on the hunt for finding a place to live. Do we continue our life around here, or do we go back to that last blog about moving away and following certain dreams? We feel almost as if God's saying, "would you listen to me already?" But after we met with the loan officer I turned down the teaching job. So now we're not sure where we will head from here, but in the middle of babysitting, Bible School, Friendship Days, weddings, planned vacations to visit our parents, (it's canning and freezing season too!) we will be house hunting, packing, moving, unpacking, etc. All while trying to yet decern God's calling! Prayers!

my moments of weakness

I don't know if blogging is what I need right now, but I need SOMETHING. Yesterday was a good day. One thing we notice is that we don't have anything beyond good days all that often anymore. Not because we are depressed but because our lives just aren't complete. A good day with my family should be wonderful, fabulous, etc....but it never will be, because it's just not possible to be complete. We have bad days but never TERRIBLE days. Why? Because terrible is what we experienced back in September. Nothing will ever compare to that kind of terrible. Our GREAT and FABULOUS day will be the day we walk into the gates and our family will be reunited.
Yesterday Nicholas woke me up and we had a wonderful breakfast together. We then went to the butterfly house (which maybe will be another blog) and then out to eat. I had a great time with Nicholas and Ashalyn.
This morning, being mother's day, wasnt going to be anything much different than normal for us. I woke up and had my normal morning routine. I made the mistake of hopping on facebook. I am ever so grateful for all the people that recognized me as a mother today. But let me tell you how hard that was. There were lots of status' to mom's in Heaven that were rather tough on me. I am so thankful I haven't had to experience the death of my mother yet. And I am also very thankful God saved me the day of the accident so Ashalyn had a mother to spend today with....but I'm filled with tears right now, because it's only fair that I could spend my mother's day with all my children.
We knew we'd have to drive seperately to church today because of my responsibilities of Bible School....so with the desire to remain strong I told Nicholas I was headed out. The second I walked out the door I bursted into more tears and I drove down to the cemetary before church. The wind from yesterday had literally destroyed and knocked down the floral wreath and I just needed some time to cry. After fixing the arrangement and replacing it next to her cross...I stumbled my way back to the truck. I was a mess.
For the past few months I've been doing so good. My bad days have become fewer and farther apart. And my good days have gotten closer together and become more regular. People tell me how good I look or how strong I am...so I felt that even today I had to hold that together. I cried the entire way to Walmart. If crying is what you want to call sobbing uncontrollable and catching the cars that pass by in between tears. I pulled into the Walmart parking lot and knew it was time to control myself again....so with a deep breath I pull down the visor to see what damage is done to my mascara...touch it up...and take another deep breath.
If any of you have noticed when you walk into Walmart there is a massive blow of warm air as you walk in the first door. So with that air, I took one more deep breath to fight back the tears. I went about my shopping and right to my left are #1 mom shirts, so I swerve my cart around to the other side of the aisle. I picked up the candy i needed for church and then head back to the pop...and there's the baby section...so I change directions again. Next was the scrapbook section, all while trying to avoid anything that might cause tears today. I was doing pretty good at putting up that guard....but then it was time for church. I walk in the door and the first person walks to me and says, "how's this mother today?" "Pretty good", as I turn my head for a deep breath, to avoid tears. And instantly change the subject to Bible School. Next I'm talking with another mother about a random subject and a pregnant mother just comes and hugs me, so I instantly use another involvement as my breakfree from the tears. And next I'm talking with 2 friends and they too start talking about their children and their complaints of their attitudes, etc....so....yet again I find myself excusing me from the conversation to find someone else to talk to. And that quick, another caring woman in our church just walks up and hugs me. I am so thankful for ALL of these women in my life, that showed me today they care! But how is it possible to remain that strong woman people tell me they admire me for???
So we head into church and the sermon started off about all the types of mothers. Mothers who love their children, mothers who neglect their children, and mothers in Heaven? I don't mean to sound selfish, but what about us mothers who have children in Heaven? That have to spend mother's day here on earth without them? Today I felt that I was in a whole different category as a mother. I'm supposed to still be that STONG woman that EVERYONE calls "MOM" but today I just feel like crying.
The sermon goes on and I don't listen to a single word because I'm still dwelling on all these types of mom's. I fit under the category of mother that loves her children...I feel like I fit under the category of mother that neglects her children, not by choice but because I don't hold them, I dont kiss them goodnight, I dont read to them, I dont bathe, dress, feed them....so why can't I be that mother in Heaven? Why can't I spend my day in Heaven with 2 of my children? AND WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THAT MOTHER that people don't mention on days like today?
Not only then did I have to sit through the sermon with these thoughts....but Miranda's baby dedication was supposed to be today. Ashalyn was dedicated on Mother's day last year and today was the day Miranda would have been dedicated as well. So all the baby's that she would have grown up in Sunday School with....today was their special day! Today was the day that I would have soooo proudly stood up there with her and promised to raise her in a loving Christian home. What better way to spend your mother's day then dedicating your little one to the Lord?
I just cannot say my mother's day was a fabulous day. BUT I CAN SAY, I AM SO VERY THANKFUL for my TWO blessings today.....that I have an amazing daughter that in between my tears can still make mommy smile and still feel blessed and that I have an amazing husband and best friend that allows me to be weak at times and just grabs me and hugs me when I cry.

And the adventure begins!!

And so this is how our adventure begins..........

As I mentioned before, when we travel to the lake we notice life as a new beginning after it's gone. We see our children and God at work in the beautiful waters of the great lakes, the woods, feeding the wildlife. It reminds us of God's promise to us of life after we "die"....an eternal life. And then we come "home" and we look out our front window and we see "death" as an end. Nicholas and I have shared many late night conversations (and mid-day) about this. Matter of fact, as I type I look to my right and just out the window they are preparing the tent and the ground for yet another funeral. There are two of them today right outside our window. And then we go back.
We go back to the last day on earth we physically could see our baby girl. And it brings all the sad tears back. It reminds us of the things we will miss out on of her life. And now Briley's life as well. But at the lake we look out the window every more and we notice the beauty God has filled this life with, which is just a glimpse of what one day we will be able to enjoy FOREVER. When thinkin' of these promises and seeing all this our attitudes towards this life are sooo much more rewarding.

So with all this being said, we've come to a fork in our road. Which path do we want to take? Do we let our tragic death consume us and our lives? Or do we find a place that we can "overcome" (to the extent that you can) and live our lives honoring our little ones and more importantly Honoring God....so we can see Miranda and Briley again someday? We feel to do this...our current location isnt working. The funerals and watching them dig the graves on a daily basis brings us to the questions and the wonder whys and questioning of life in general. It brings us down and we catch ourselves just staring out in a daze at the gravestones, which brings upon all kinds of emotion...anger, fear...u name it. It's a bitter-sweet resemblence I guess. We enjoy walking down to her site and placing flowers or whatever it is we desire. But it just has become a place of frowns and tears when we look out our window.

So no matter what we embark on a moving adventure. Whether it be to a country home in Pettisville or even much farther. I'd love to head on back down to Tennessee, but Nicholas does not like the heat. So, I've given up that hope and desire and we just will continue to make that a family vacation spot. With all this discussion in place...a few other things have fallen into place. While reading a book, Nicholas encountered a journey of manhood. It got him excited to be "Wild at Heart." (for those that have read that book understand this journey). It gave him the desire to hunt, fish, and work along side his father. He said that could only be a dream though and a desire. There's no money in that and no way of providing for his family that way. And that's then when I realized how much real my dreams and desires could be if he followed that dream.

My biggest dream as a child was becoming a school teacher. I spent many days in our basement playing school with my sister, and sometimes even with my brother (he'd kill me if I knew I was confessing this to everyone probably). We had school desks that my parents purchased at a school auction. And we even had "homework" mom would copy for us. Then in 3rd grade I had an awesome teacher that just inspired me to no end. She made class fun and exactly how I'd want to run my own classroom. I went off to college for early childhood education. I am all but student teaching away from pursuing this dream. But that's all on hold because of finances. I maxed out my school loans and then life just continued on when I dropped out. So I started to give up on that dream. I love being a stay at home mommy. And I wouldnt trade that for anything. However, I'm willing to step up and be the provider financially so that Nicholas can also do what he wants to do.
He would make money but not the benefits our family needs.

In Michigan, the education is ran a little differently than Ohio. They still require a 4 year degree in education (which i have, just do not have my teaching license because of student teaching). I was able to do an exceptional graduation...graduate...and work with preschool and under (preschool teacher, own/manage a daycare). In Michigan I am able to work in the classroom up to 3 grade (early childhood). And believe it or not, an opportunity up in Newberry has arose for me (5 hours from here, 20 minutes from Nicholas' father). Nicholas could then work with his dad and persue that dream. In high school Nicholas was also able to do this and he tells me all kinds of stories about it and lights up everytime he talks about it.

So now we await. We await a house. We found one that we just absolutely love that was a repo from the bank. It's close to the lake. It's not too far from Nicholas' dad, but far enough that we can escape into our own little time as well, especially if we have ppl that want to come visit or whatever. The price is definately within our reach of paying cash for it after a little of savings...we actually have enough saved up now that we can pay over 30% down if we choose the route of a loan. So financially it'd be a great investment and opportunity for us. We still are waiting for the settlement from the insurance company though so we aren't sure what medical bills we will have etc. when this is all said and done...so we definately are weighing that as well. The church there was sooo supportive of us, with cards, phone calls, prayers, and gifts of gas, flowers, food and money after our accident. I'd say we got a card every week from random ppl from the church that we didnt know....and we still are getting them. They still show their support to us. And when we visited the past two times we've been up there they bring up Miranda. They say they are praying for us...and even 2 ladies, they hugged me! Just a very supportive church family up there. The real estate agent that took us around to the houses on Saturday was standing up at the pulpit on Sunday and singing in the worship team. It's just funny how God has been working.

Nicholas' leg has been given him some problems lately. He's been up late at night with throbs and pain. Mostly since he's been lifted from restrictions. Not sure how standing on concrete all day is going to benefit him in the long wrong. He's pursuing his degree at Northwest state right now, which is a transfer college. So everything he's done and will do will easily transfer to Lake Superior State University or Northern Michigan when the time comes for no more online classes.

Everything seems to be perfect for us. However, there is one downfall in all this. Our family that lives back here. We will be leaving behind family that we cherish dearly. It may not seem like we devote ourselves as much as they would like us to...but we do dearly appreciate all of them and love them all to pieces. My parents are not around here anymore, but my sister and brother and their children. And Nicholas's mom and sisters and children are also around here. We will leave behind some great friends as well. But with technology today (phones, facebook, and how often we like roadtrips) we will make sure not to lose contact!! We love these people too dearly for that. And our house will always be open for ANYONE that wants to visit, reguardless!

This adventure is still all up in the air at this point. We found a house to buy and that we have presented an offer to each other, but will have to see what plays out there. We have lots to clear up here and then we will make our decision based on that. So prayers prayers prayers!! We could use any prayers as we make this decision in our life...and what's best for our family!

Embracing something new!

I guess it's time for another post. I'm going through a mind block right now because it seems like the stories are the same over and over because of our struggles in life. About a week ago, something happened and it brought Nicholas and I so much closer. I don't think it was intended for that, but that's what it did. Nicholas and I kinda put up walls after Miranda's entrance into heaven. We were afraid to let ppl close to us. We have had some wonderful conversations over the past few days and God has opened up some mighty heavy doors for us.
My two sweet babies are up in heaven, enjoying each others company and we will ALWAYS keep them in our hearts no matter where this life leads us. There's a lot up in the air still about our future, but things seem to slowly be falling into place. We wish dearly that Miranda and Briley could join us on these adventures but know they will be with us ALWAYS!!
Check back in a few days and maybe we'll start to switch this blog over to our new adventures in the life we are left with and memories of our sweet children!!!

My mistake

The quote at the end of my last post is supposed to be, "if we can trust Him with our eternity, let's trust Him with our now." Same idea, different wording!! Better wording!!

Jesus Loves Me, this I know!!!

Let me begin my story by telling you a little of what my life consists of right now. First is the everyday things in life, work (watching 4 children besides my own), still working on settlement with insurance company, being mom (that's the best part of my life, but what keeps me most busy) and now getting donations and volunteers for friendship days and Bible school. I have been working so hard the last few weeks on preparing Bible school for over 100 children for the 2nd week of June. Behind the scene stuff I guess, preparing schedules, registration, recruiting teachers, organizing crafts and the curriculum. It's been lots of work and lots of time seeking God.
And I believe Satan is at every end trying to pull me down. The 1st night I was supposed to meet with Amanda about Bible school was the night we received the news of Briley, so I canceled. 2nd night was the night before my surgery....I thought about canceling. And then yesterday I was supposed to be at church for our kickoff to recruiting teachers in the lobby display....and I had to find a replacement for me.
Friday afternoon I had to call my dr. because of bad cramping and clotting. He prescibed me a medication but come Saturday afternoon, I was in sooooo much pain and starting to get dizzy and lightheaded. Nicholas and I debated calling 911 or him just driving me up there. I could barely walk and I was extremely faint. I finally chose to have him drive me and help me out to the truck because we already have several lifeflight bills we didnt need another ambulance one. At this point I was bleeding pretty heavy and in so much pain that the dosed me up pretty good with nubane and toradel (not sure on that spelling). I wasnt very friendly in the emergency room and I will write a letter of apology to the nurse. I still felt the pain and I was telling them I was pretty sure I was having contractions and in labor.
Finally after receiving my hemoglobin count they admitted me to 2nd floor for observation. It was within about 20 minutes of being there they gave me some morphine and I passed what my body had been trying to "labor" out of me. It was left over tissue from my surgery...so my body went into contractions trying to get it all out. It was not fun. On my way up the elevator I looked at Nicholas and I said, "Either Satan really hates me or God does."
At this point I was so frustrated with all we've been through. Just as I come to deal with it and start living my life at a happy time, it seems like the dark cloud comes back and hovers over me. As soon as I made that comment, Nicholas knew I was down because I just don't think that way usually...so he made a phone call to Pastor Brad and got people praying for us. That afternoon I was pretty discouraged, because we had family Easter plans that we'd now miss out on...and I knew I was missing the Bible school recruiting the next day as well as another easter and easter sunday at church.
But it seems like just when I get down I hear something or am somehow reminded of how awesome our God is. Sunday morning Ashalyn and Nicholas came up to visit me. They were there for about an hour, Ashalyn in my hospital bed with me and we watched cartoons together. I started getting sleeping so I asked Nicholas to run to walmart and get me a few things I needed so I could get a nap. They left and I decided to shut the tv off, but at the hospital in order to do that u have to scroll thru them all. As I was scrolling i heard "no matter how difficult your life trials are there is ALWAYS that promise of bigger and better things" So that sermon was for me and instead of napping while they were gone I listened to this sermon directed specifically to me. It was taking place at Dodger stadium so lots and lots of people, but I feel it was directly for me personally.
Our faith has definately been challenged in the last 7 months but I am so excited to say I am a Christian. I couldn't imagine this life without those promises of life getting better one day and then our eternity. I heard a saying this weekend "God gave us the promise of an eternity, so let's give Him the promise of now". So in all our struggles I still want to live my now for Him....and yes He DOES still love me!!!