Sunday, May 9, 2010

my moments of weakness

I don't know if blogging is what I need right now, but I need SOMETHING. Yesterday was a good day. One thing we notice is that we don't have anything beyond good days all that often anymore. Not because we are depressed but because our lives just aren't complete. A good day with my family should be wonderful, fabulous, etc....but it never will be, because it's just not possible to be complete. We have bad days but never TERRIBLE days. Why? Because terrible is what we experienced back in September. Nothing will ever compare to that kind of terrible. Our GREAT and FABULOUS day will be the day we walk into the gates and our family will be reunited.
Yesterday Nicholas woke me up and we had a wonderful breakfast together. We then went to the butterfly house (which maybe will be another blog) and then out to eat. I had a great time with Nicholas and Ashalyn.
This morning, being mother's day, wasnt going to be anything much different than normal for us. I woke up and had my normal morning routine. I made the mistake of hopping on facebook. I am ever so grateful for all the people that recognized me as a mother today. But let me tell you how hard that was. There were lots of status' to mom's in Heaven that were rather tough on me. I am so thankful I haven't had to experience the death of my mother yet. And I am also very thankful God saved me the day of the accident so Ashalyn had a mother to spend today with....but I'm filled with tears right now, because it's only fair that I could spend my mother's day with all my children.
We knew we'd have to drive seperately to church today because of my responsibilities of Bible with the desire to remain strong I told Nicholas I was headed out. The second I walked out the door I bursted into more tears and I drove down to the cemetary before church. The wind from yesterday had literally destroyed and knocked down the floral wreath and I just needed some time to cry. After fixing the arrangement and replacing it next to her cross...I stumbled my way back to the truck. I was a mess.
For the past few months I've been doing so good. My bad days have become fewer and farther apart. And my good days have gotten closer together and become more regular. People tell me how good I look or how strong I I felt that even today I had to hold that together. I cried the entire way to Walmart. If crying is what you want to call sobbing uncontrollable and catching the cars that pass by in between tears. I pulled into the Walmart parking lot and knew it was time to control myself with a deep breath I pull down the visor to see what damage is done to my mascara...touch it up...and take another deep breath.
If any of you have noticed when you walk into Walmart there is a massive blow of warm air as you walk in the first door. So with that air, I took one more deep breath to fight back the tears. I went about my shopping and right to my left are #1 mom shirts, so I swerve my cart around to the other side of the aisle. I picked up the candy i needed for church and then head back to the pop...and there's the baby I change directions again. Next was the scrapbook section, all while trying to avoid anything that might cause tears today. I was doing pretty good at putting up that guard....but then it was time for church. I walk in the door and the first person walks to me and says, "how's this mother today?" "Pretty good", as I turn my head for a deep breath, to avoid tears. And instantly change the subject to Bible School. Next I'm talking with another mother about a random subject and a pregnant mother just comes and hugs me, so I instantly use another involvement as my breakfree from the tears. And next I'm talking with 2 friends and they too start talking about their children and their complaints of their attitudes, again I find myself excusing me from the conversation to find someone else to talk to. And that quick, another caring woman in our church just walks up and hugs me. I am so thankful for ALL of these women in my life, that showed me today they care! But how is it possible to remain that strong woman people tell me they admire me for???
So we head into church and the sermon started off about all the types of mothers. Mothers who love their children, mothers who neglect their children, and mothers in Heaven? I don't mean to sound selfish, but what about us mothers who have children in Heaven? That have to spend mother's day here on earth without them? Today I felt that I was in a whole different category as a mother. I'm supposed to still be that STONG woman that EVERYONE calls "MOM" but today I just feel like crying.
The sermon goes on and I don't listen to a single word because I'm still dwelling on all these types of mom's. I fit under the category of mother that loves her children...I feel like I fit under the category of mother that neglects her children, not by choice but because I don't hold them, I dont kiss them goodnight, I dont read to them, I dont bathe, dress, feed why can't I be that mother in Heaven? Why can't I spend my day in Heaven with 2 of my children? AND WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THAT MOTHER that people don't mention on days like today?
Not only then did I have to sit through the sermon with these thoughts....but Miranda's baby dedication was supposed to be today. Ashalyn was dedicated on Mother's day last year and today was the day Miranda would have been dedicated as well. So all the baby's that she would have grown up in Sunday School was their special day! Today was the day that I would have soooo proudly stood up there with her and promised to raise her in a loving Christian home. What better way to spend your mother's day then dedicating your little one to the Lord?
I just cannot say my mother's day was a fabulous day. BUT I CAN SAY, I AM SO VERY THANKFUL for my TWO blessings today.....that I have an amazing daughter that in between my tears can still make mommy smile and still feel blessed and that I have an amazing husband and best friend that allows me to be weak at times and just grabs me and hugs me when I cry.


Anonymous said...

I think I would have spent all day in bed... :( I thought it was really interesting where you wrote that you have a hard time being this "strong woman" that people keep admiring you for. I can see how it would be hard to live up to that expectation - even if no one is REALLY expecting you to keep it together all the time. I personally think it is good for you to show these "moments of weakness" to the world. You need support from your friends and family. They need to know you are hurting and not "ok" all the time. Gosh, I feel like I'm not even making that much sense... Valerie, I guess what I am trying to say is SCREW BEING THAT STRONG WOMAN!!! Today is Mother's Day and it SUCKS! There is no shame in that.

Valerie said...

First thank you for taking the time to read my blog and respond to my 'down day' blog. i'm guessing it was kind of a gloomy read, but something I had to write out for the sake of expressing myself. And as far as me letting out my moments of weakness to the world, I feel like we have come so far and finally getting to the point of moving to let others see us not doing so well is tough and feels almost as if we are regressing...if that makes sense. Don't get me wrong on this blog...I am every so greatful for Ashalyn and for being a mom on this day (just as I am every day) but it's days like this that are extra hard to hold it together and to try and be as "normal" as possible. If any of that made any sense. (ur message made lots of sense by the way!) I appreciate you and for the time you took to let me know you were listening to my pity party I was throwing for myself. Thanks!

Kristen said...

The definition of strong does not mean that you don't bust under the pressure of the hurt and pain. Strong means you know your source of strength and where it comes from. You never stop looking toward it even if it is through the tears. And that my dear is what you do. Don't let satan trap you into the fear that you will let down people's expectations of you. Being real is admirable. Keep your focus on the fact that God knows your grief. He's been grieving Himself for so much longer than any life that has ever existed on this earth. His grief started way back with Adam and Eve when he was separated from them, his first children. Their sin took them away from Him and I think God feels the grief of being in separation from every single one of us. He designed and made us to walk with Him not in just the spiritual but in body. So turn to Him realizing He knows the pain and grief of separation. He will show you how He brings joy to you in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

When the pain is great and you cry with deep despair,there is a peace that will some day come, because I know God cares, and God still answers prayers. All things that happen in our life will work out for our good even though we can not understand. Even our agony has a place within God's master plan. If we could see around the bend, a year ahead or maybe even two. We may begin to understand the things God has brought us through.

Do you know the song "Unredeemed" by Selah? Its lyrics might be soothing to your aching soul:

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Love ya Val!

Anonymous said...

Valerie, I have thrown pitty parties for a whole lot less! :) It was an honor to be part of yours yesterday by reading your blog. There is something that I've been meaning to tell you...

You have been an inspiration to me and here is why: your faith. I love God. I trust Him, BUT... if I found myself in your position, I'm not sure I would I would be able to respond to this kind of tragedy in the same way you have. I have heard you say on Facebook how you are mad at the devil. Honestly, I think I would be mad at God. Of course that isn't how I SHOULD respond, but I can only imagine that is what my natural responce would be. Thank you for showing me how to lean on God when you need Him the most instead of turning away.

Mom said...

As your mother reading this just really makes me cry. My heart just aches for you. Mothers day was really hard for me also just knowing that your family is not complete on mothers day. Baby dedication is suppose to be a happy & joyous day but that day was not happy for me. Yes, I am so happy that I still have my mother here with me and that I have my children here also. It just was not the same with out 2 of my grandchildren and my dad here. I love you and pray for you all the time. I am so thankful for all my grandchildren. Love mom

Our sweet Miranda

Our sweet Miranda


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