A Promise I am Holding onto!!!

There's just way too much from our past week to blog about. We had a fabulous week together with Nick's dad and step mom and sister, as well as with my parents at their new place. Travels went well, we ate really well, and enjoyed much needed fun together! We ice fished, snowmobiled, played the wii, went sightseeing, built a sand castle (yup it was warm enough to go to the beach!) built snowmen (and painted them too), played at the waterpark, decorated easter eggs and watched lots of Ohio State basketball. This week was a blast, but yet was extremely difficult. Sunday marked the 6 month anniversary of Miranda's birth and death but also the 6 month birthday celebration in Heaven!! On the way up there Nicholas and I started reading a book that was given to us called, I'll hold you in Heaven. And this week that illustration was poured upon us in many ways. The church service on Sunday was talking about as Christians we are given that promise to see our loved ones in eternity. Our entire row was in tears, it just happened to be on the Sunday we needed reminded most! And then on the beach....as we write her name in the sand I was reminded that it wasnt the end....I will hold my baby girl again. On the way home we finished our book and again was filled with scripture with the promises we are given as a Christian that even though my baby didnt take a breath she was a being from conception and was taken to be with our Lord and is there waiting for her earthly mommy and daddy to join her!
It's still something I struggle with though, being here without her. Our vacation was a vacation, but not a family vacation...we weren't all there together in person. I laid awake still many hours thinking about her, as well as worrying about our other sweet baby that has yet arrived. But I have been comforted a little this week with the promise of getting to hold her and getting to know her in my eternal life!!! I praise God I am a Christian and He gives us those promises!!!!

Safe Travels

Today is the day and I've been scared for days now. I am so so excited for our family vacation, but so so scared. We are headed back up to Michigan, but this time the other parts of the state. We went to Hillman the weekend of our accident. This time we are staying one night in Macinaw and then doing some off season shopping! Then we will be crossing the bridge to go to Nick's dad's house to do some snowmobiling and ice fishing, going to see the waterfalls and dam. Then headed to Traverse city to spend 2 days at the Great wolf Lodge where we will enjoy time together as our little family.


Then we're off to my parents house at Little Eden Camp in Onekama Michigan. While there we will be enjoying outdoor sledding, scrapbooking, and Mommy and Daddy are taking a date night out to eat and to the casino to play the slot machines!! Going in with only $20 each...hoping to come out with at least that!
First before any of this begins we will be making a stop at the Pettisville cemetary with flowers and releasing some balloons with kisses into the heavens for Miranda. 6 months ago on Sunday she met Jesus and entered into eternity! We love her so much and miss her more and more every day!!!


We have a weekend planned full of fun things and we are so excited to get to enjoy this time together and with our families, however, a part of me is freaked out. Last time we enjoyed our time together it ended so tradgicly, so please please pray for us and for our safe travels. And that I sleep most the way so I don't annoy Nicholas with all the break lights and grief of express driving. I'm a bit edgy in the car now adays and have become a passenger driver. I try not to!!! So, look for pictures to come from our stays!!!!

It's a new afternoon!

Ashalyn woke up from nap and wanted to cuddle me to no end!! I love it!!!! It's almost as she laid in her bed and realized she didnt have the greatest morning! And I'm getting lots of kisses!!!! It's a new afternoon and mommy is relaxed!!! :-)

Testy Toddler = Time out for Mommy!

This is going to be a random post....but boy do I need to blow off a little so I can maintain my patience. It takes an extreme lot for Ashalyn to be put in a time out....but today, she is definately testing mommy's patience. Now, the beginning of the week she was great, but I'm wondering if it's starting to affect her with Nicholas being gone so much. Monday, Wednesday and Friday he has work and then therapy, with Wednesday night church also. Tuesday and Thursday he works then goes to class. She's been used to seeing him all day and all night for the last 6 months. So, last night she did not see him hardly at all, so I'm hoping thats the reasoning behind today. We have managed to dump our milk all over the floor, purposefully!! (she is on an open cup now and we have not had any troubles with this...I know she's still young so I expect accidents, but that's how she learns.) However, today she yelling, "mom, mom." As I look to ask what she wants she tips the cup slowly and watches the milk pour to the floor. Not a big deal I wipe it up and explain we can't dump our milk, we have to drink it. So then the day goes and she's getting a little more testy. I had folded laundry on the coffee table and she put her hand on it, waits for me to say, "Ashalyn." and pulls the entire pile to the floor. I hand her her lunch and she takes the bread and butter and dumps the rest on the floor, the entire plate and all. (Now I must say this was one of her favorites and she didnt even attempt to eat it...it was all within a matter of a minute.) So a bit flustered at this point I ask her to get down from the table. (she ate her bread and was offered the rest that she refused...and ate a good breakfast). Now she's trying to climb on the other chairs, even trying to get on Carson's lap, so I push all the chairs in so she cant climb. (she likes to climb the chairs to stand on the table). Feeling defeated she goes and gets a heavy wooden step stool, carries it to the table and just as she goes to set it down, drops it right on her bare feet. Now her feet are red and puffy and I want to give in because I feel bad...but instead I comfort the tears from her injury and explain to her why I'm doing what I'm doing. Mind you now, it's only 1230 and she's down for an early nap.....I needed a breather because I was starting to show my "stressed parent" side and we all know that's not good. Makes for an even more testy toddler!! Naptime and mommy's relaxing so we can start the afternoon off much much better!!!

An Answered Prayer!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I cant even hardly type in between all my tears!!! We are able to get the headstone for Miranda that we picked out and that is perfect for her!! I was getting nervous, but it's going to happen!!! I just want the best for my baby girl!!! I love you Miranda and I miss you so so so much!!!

Hopefully this is a good thing!

We had a fabulous time out with some friends tonight. Just a casual meal at pizza hut but it was great catching up and just chatting with each other. A much needed time away.
However, we get home and what do I find on our answering machine. A call from the insurance company. Our policy was switched to a new adjuster (hopefully a much better one). But now we start all over again. For a few months now I've been trying to get all the details worked out for Miranda's headstone and funeral expenses. As I mentioned before if we want it out at the one year anniversary, which is a huge deal to us, it has to be paid for by end of March. A few months back I sent the quotes to the address the adjuster gave me, but never heard a single word for weeks. I called and come to find out she had me send it to corperate office who probably knows nothing about the case....so "it's probably sitting in a lost mail pile." Then she gives me her Toledo address and guess what, 2 days later it was returned to me, wrong address. So finally it's sent off and now a call saying the policy was being switched to a different adjusters and we would pretty much be starting over with the claims. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like they are trying to buy time for some reason. And its kind of frustrating me. We havent even got an answer yet to whether they will be covering any of it and we will then have to figure out where we're going to come up with the $ for the stone, the funeral, plots and the cement that needs to be poured. I just pray that maybe this insurance adjuster may know a little more about the ins and outs of it and be a little more helpful and timely! That would definately be a huge answered prayer!!!
I love LOVE love our time out with friends and away from the house because it seems like for just a moment we can escape the bills, phone calls, questions and constant reminder of what we "owe" from this thing we never asked for!

Is it Christmas Time yet??

I found myself all day today humming Christmas carols! And then when I was rocking Hayden (girl I watch) in the lazy boy today Rock-A-Bye Baby turned into Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. Now, I fully understand that it's February and Christmas is no where near here...but I crave for Christmas time to be here. I honestly think it's because I didn't have a Christmas this past year. Okay, yes, I live in the same calender year as everyone else. I decorated the house and put the tree up before Halloween even this past year. People called me crazy. But please let me explain this.
The accident was in September. So by the end of October we were looking for whatever we could find to do, after being trapped inside for nearly two months. And at that point we were online shopping, puppy hunting, and just trying to fill a void. So we both seen fit to decorate for our favorite time of year to try and bring a little joy into our home. We decorated and enjoyed it for the time being, but I truely feel we were robbed of Christmas this year. Normally we sing carols together and have lots of Christmas traditions that we carry on. Christmas is a happy time for us. This year it felt as if we just went through the motions and celebrated just enough to get by with saying we did.
We spent much time preparing a mini Christmas tree for Miranda at the gravesite, that we just were never happy enough with. So we went with a grave pillow with ornaments to match our tree that we loved, but didnt replace her being in our home with us on Christmas day. I spent the week before Christmas in the hospital then with my infection from the accident. The hospital had restrictions of visitors at the time because of flu season. So Christmas Eve I layed in bed all night and cried and cried. First I was expected to spend Christmas without Miranda and then they expected me to not see Ashalyn either?? It was the lonliest worst feeling ever! So I fibbed a little about the pain, so I could be released on Christmas afternoon. I was home, but didn't enjoy much of Christmas.
This past Christmas we spent more than we probably could afford and way more than we usually do...but like I said, we had to fill the void for the time being. Well now Christmas is way passed and I'm ready to celebrate. I wonder what ppl in our community would think if we put lights up outside in Feb? Or had our Christmas tree up in our big front window? I think they will think we lost our minds honestly.
So I have to ask, is this a "normal" process of grief? You realize after its gone that you missed out on something? At the time, we were going through the motions so it felt like we were there, but sure did not feel like "Christmas". Are all holidays and every Christmas from on out going to just be going through the motions?? Today, I just feel like it being Christmas. But what will tomorrow bring??