Testy Toddler = Time out for Mommy!

This is going to be a random post....but boy do I need to blow off a little so I can maintain my patience. It takes an extreme lot for Ashalyn to be put in a time out....but today, she is definately testing mommy's patience. Now, the beginning of the week she was great, but I'm wondering if it's starting to affect her with Nicholas being gone so much. Monday, Wednesday and Friday he has work and then therapy, with Wednesday night church also. Tuesday and Thursday he works then goes to class. She's been used to seeing him all day and all night for the last 6 months. So, last night she did not see him hardly at all, so I'm hoping thats the reasoning behind today. We have managed to dump our milk all over the floor, purposefully!! (she is on an open cup now and we have not had any troubles with this...I know she's still young so I expect accidents, but that's how she learns.) However, today she yelling, "mom, mom." As I look to ask what she wants she tips the cup slowly and watches the milk pour to the floor. Not a big deal I wipe it up and explain we can't dump our milk, we have to drink it. So then the day goes and she's getting a little more testy. I had folded laundry on the coffee table and she put her hand on it, waits for me to say, "Ashalyn." and pulls the entire pile to the floor. I hand her her lunch and she takes the bread and butter and dumps the rest on the floor, the entire plate and all. (Now I must say this was one of her favorites and she didnt even attempt to eat it...it was all within a matter of a minute.) So a bit flustered at this point I ask her to get down from the table. (she ate her bread and was offered the rest that she refused...and ate a good breakfast). Now she's trying to climb on the other chairs, even trying to get on Carson's lap, so I push all the chairs in so she cant climb. (she likes to climb the chairs to stand on the table). Feeling defeated she goes and gets a heavy wooden step stool, carries it to the table and just as she goes to set it down, drops it right on her bare feet. Now her feet are red and puffy and I want to give in because I feel bad...but instead I comfort the tears from her injury and explain to her why I'm doing what I'm doing. Mind you now, it's only 1230 and she's down for an early nap.....I needed a breather because I was starting to show my "stressed parent" side and we all know that's not good. Makes for an even more testy toddler!! Naptime and mommy's relaxing so we can start the afternoon off much much better!!!

An Answered Prayer!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I cant even hardly type in between all my tears!!! We are able to get the headstone for Miranda that we picked out and that is perfect for her!! I was getting nervous, but it's going to happen!!! I just want the best for my baby girl!!! I love you Miranda and I miss you so so so much!!!

Hopefully this is a good thing!

We had a fabulous time out with some friends tonight. Just a casual meal at pizza hut but it was great catching up and just chatting with each other. A much needed time away.
However, we get home and what do I find on our answering machine. A call from the insurance company. Our policy was switched to a new adjuster (hopefully a much better one). But now we start all over again. For a few months now I've been trying to get all the details worked out for Miranda's headstone and funeral expenses. As I mentioned before if we want it out at the one year anniversary, which is a huge deal to us, it has to be paid for by end of March. A few months back I sent the quotes to the address the adjuster gave me, but never heard a single word for weeks. I called and come to find out she had me send it to corperate office who probably knows nothing about the case....so "it's probably sitting in a lost mail pile." Then she gives me her Toledo address and guess what, 2 days later it was returned to me, wrong address. So finally it's sent off and now a call saying the policy was being switched to a different adjusters and we would pretty much be starting over with the claims. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like they are trying to buy time for some reason. And its kind of frustrating me. We havent even got an answer yet to whether they will be covering any of it and we will then have to figure out where we're going to come up with the $ for the stone, the funeral, plots and the cement that needs to be poured. I just pray that maybe this insurance adjuster may know a little more about the ins and outs of it and be a little more helpful and timely! That would definately be a huge answered prayer!!!
I love LOVE love our time out with friends and away from the house because it seems like for just a moment we can escape the bills, phone calls, questions and constant reminder of what we "owe" from this thing we never asked for!

Is it Christmas Time yet??

I found myself all day today humming Christmas carols! And then when I was rocking Hayden (girl I watch) in the lazy boy today Rock-A-Bye Baby turned into Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. Now, I fully understand that it's February and Christmas is no where near here...but I crave for Christmas time to be here. I honestly think it's because I didn't have a Christmas this past year. Okay, yes, I live in the same calender year as everyone else. I decorated the house and put the tree up before Halloween even this past year. People called me crazy. But please let me explain this.
The accident was in September. So by the end of October we were looking for whatever we could find to do, after being trapped inside for nearly two months. And at that point we were online shopping, puppy hunting, and just trying to fill a void. So we both seen fit to decorate for our favorite time of year to try and bring a little joy into our home. We decorated and enjoyed it for the time being, but I truely feel we were robbed of Christmas this year. Normally we sing carols together and have lots of Christmas traditions that we carry on. Christmas is a happy time for us. This year it felt as if we just went through the motions and celebrated just enough to get by with saying we did.
We spent much time preparing a mini Christmas tree for Miranda at the gravesite, that we just were never happy enough with. So we went with a grave pillow with ornaments to match our tree that we loved, but didnt replace her being in our home with us on Christmas day. I spent the week before Christmas in the hospital then with my infection from the accident. The hospital had restrictions of visitors at the time because of flu season. So Christmas Eve I layed in bed all night and cried and cried. First I was expected to spend Christmas without Miranda and then they expected me to not see Ashalyn either?? It was the lonliest worst feeling ever! So I fibbed a little about the pain, so I could be released on Christmas afternoon. I was home, but didn't enjoy much of Christmas.
This past Christmas we spent more than we probably could afford and way more than we usually do...but like I said, we had to fill the void for the time being. Well now Christmas is way passed and I'm ready to celebrate. I wonder what ppl in our community would think if we put lights up outside in Feb? Or had our Christmas tree up in our big front window? I think they will think we lost our minds honestly.
So I have to ask, is this a "normal" process of grief? You realize after its gone that you missed out on something? At the time, we were going through the motions so it felt like we were there, but sure did not feel like "Christmas". Are all holidays and every Christmas from on out going to just be going through the motions?? Today, I just feel like it being Christmas. But what will tomorrow bring??

Something good!

We have almost hit the 6 month mark since our accident and finally something good has come! Nicholas has headed back to work today. We really aren't sure how this is going to go, because his hip is still very weak. He says he feels as if the bone in the femur has healed mostly, but he says "I'm pretty sure my muscles are torn to crap." During the craziness of the accident, while waiting for people to arrive, Nicholas tried to get to Ashalyn and I. With his first attempt he tried to stand up and fell down. Tried a second time, and fell again. So he looked down and say his toes behind his heals. Now that seems impossible, but his femur (main bone in the leg) was completely snapped into 3 pieces and one piece was crushed, so his leg twisted and kinda dangled there, also trapped in the back of the drivers seat. To get a little of a visual (warning...this is a little graphic) this is a picture that my uncle took before the van was hauled off to be totaled. But this is the back of the drivers seat where Nicholas landed. His leg was traped in the seat and if u see the two metal bars going down the back, his impact completely twisted these bars. They had to use jaws of life to get him out.

Anyways, my point in this, Nicholas truely feels that if he wouldn't have tried to stand he'd be healed by now. He's convinced that him standing tore his muscles for good. Now we don't have any medical proof to this, but he is convinced that his leg won't ever be the same! We just praise God for the healing that has taken place. The entire way to the hospital he was pretty sure his leg was going to be amputated....so praise God that was not the result. I've been sending up prayers left and right for him today. We need him to return because our financial funds are running low, but I just want him to make a complete recovery and not have to be in the pain he's in. He works in a factory so he's on his feet 8 hours a day on concrete. So I'm praying for as much comfort as possible and that he can continue to heal even after his return!!
I am so incrediably proud of him though. He has had his down days, but for the most part has stayed pretty positive for all he's been through!!! I lvoe you Nicholas!

Why was I chosen for this life??

Tonight we decided to head out on to town in Toledo. Nicholas is headed back to work on Monday, which Praise the Lord, but yet.....YIKES!!!!!!!! Definately not sure he is physically ready for an 8 hour day on concrete all day. He still has lots of pain when he's on it for a while. We were having a grand time out together. First we went to Kohls to get him a pair of Nike's that were comfortable for him to stand in all day. I shopped the winter clearance racks at 80% off for Ashalyn for next winter. I love after season sales!!! Walked out of Kohls with an awesome pair of Nike's for Nicholas and 8 winter sweaters for Ashalyn (Ashalyn's totalling only about $12).
Then we were on a mission to find a resturant on a Saturday night that didnt have hours and hours of waiting. Only place we came up with was Texas Roadhouse. As we are walking in the front desk girl, Brittany, from my OB office was on her way out to the car to get something!! When we got in there her and I got to talking and she brought up Miranda and how much hair she had and how beautiful she was!! We talked about her and this pregnancy and it was just a joyous conversation! PRAISE GOD for people that dont mind talking about her!! And a double praise God for those that bring her up in conversation before I even think to say anything!!
Then we are seated in the exact booth that Nicholas and I sat in on our "first date". We both smiled and just enjoyed the memories. It was a matter of minutes the booth diagonal from us was being seated...a family with 3 children...one being a little girl that exact size Miranda would be now. I couldnt help but to watch cautiously at this family. At first it was a happy time marveling the little girl...and then as dinner progressed my eyes started tearing and all I could think was how I wanted to go grab the baby and give her attention. The poor little girl sat in the aisle way, wide awake, with her carseat cover still over her and fussed around a little....and it bothered me so badly to see the parents sipping away on their margaritas and not giving her the least bit of attention....thru the entire meal. So I can't help but to wonder....how does God choose what parents will have to fill these shoes? Nicholas and I could have given Miranda so much love. I see children all around us. I'm at the point where they still make me smile. I envision Miranda happy in the arms of Jesus' but when you think you're having the best day u've had in awhile the tears just sneak up on you in the least expected place and time. I think it's something that will always happen....even years down the road. In 5 years when we look out the window on the first day of school and see all the little ones walking to school I'm sure it will still hit us.
The waiter brought us our food and asks me to cut into my steak, I cant even look at him because the tears are just rolling down my face. He walks away and I can't help but to chuckle because he has no clue to why I'm crying but I feel silly because he probably thinks I'm insane. Nicholas looks at me and says, "so this is our life from now on huh??" As we both are tearing up. The entire time all I could think of was wishing we could afford to buy this family their meal or wish I had a small toy to share with the little girl...she made my day as I dreamed of my little Miranda. The tears aren't depressed tears when this happens. People cannot make me cry...it just happens! I dont even know how to explain it but I just have to wonder how we were chosen to fill these shoes in this life??? Something I will never understand. And something I'm not sure I'm capable of doing, they are HUGE ugly shoes to be wearing!!!

Visit from Pastor Brad

I decided so that it all flows and makes sense I will just be adding to the past post from my journal to tell the story of the accident, as I did just last week! Because I don't think I'll ever get caught up to the correct date if I don't. So starting from here, it'll be all daily events, feelings and thoughts and Ill just post when I've added to my story for those that want to follow.

Last week we had a scheduled time for Pastor Brad to stop by to visit, but I canceled. So we rescheduled for today. It was much more needed for today anyways. On Monday I kinda went rounds with my emotions. I had to deal with the insurance company again. I'm pretty sure that in that corporate office I am nobody and they really don't care about our past 6 months, they do this all day every day, so 6 months to them is nothing.
Our goal was to have Miranda's headstone up by the one year anniversary. Something we want to do for her, as well as for us. We took great pride picking out her stone. We envisioned so much about her life, things we will do for her and with her....everything!! We had dreams for her and it all was taken from us in moments. So the one thing we can do for her yet here on earth is fill that plot with as much love and detail as possible. At holidays we not only pick out a small gift for Ashalyn but we envision what ways we can share it with Miranda as well. Her stone to us is going to be a marker that will last forever and a way for us to give her just a little of what we wish we could....so choosing her headstone just HAD to be perfect.
First, after being pressured by insurance to give them a price, we went in to look, completely not sure what to expect and not really ready. You have to choose your color, the material you want it made out of, picture, wording, size...it's just all overwhelming. And then to hear the price....we left completely depressed. So, over the next months we talked about what we want and started jotting down our "envisions" of the stone that fit her perfect! As our time missing her went on, we had more and more stories and finally came up with the perfect stone. Now to find it. We were unsatisfied with the people at the first place so we chose to look at another. The moment we walked in we knew we were in the right place and from the moment we saw the stone we knew!! And now, coming near the end of February, we should have it all set from the insurance company.....but....instead they think they can push us around. It was easy for them to tell us to get going when we werent ready, and now that our time is coming to an end to have it all set so it can be placed on the anniversary they decide its not that important....because now we're down to the time for the expense part. I WILL NOT be pushed around anymore by them, because this is super important to us...but, a month ago, they decided to stall even longer...and I just find out this on Monday.
So having a rough week it was great to get this visit today from Pastor Brad. I admire this man in so many ways. His voice is so calming and makes you feel so much more at peace in circumstances that we have had to encounter. He was by oursides all thru the night when we were getting to enjoy Miranda in our arms, he helped us understand what doctors were saying, what we'd have to go thru in the next days, he helped us with the funeral plans because we were never prepared for all those decisions, he gave the sermon at her funeral and he's been there for us since..just an amazing man. He helped me realize today that things will never be back to how they were, what others call normal. We will find a new normal in all this.
The new normal is something we are slowly coming to terms with and trying to get used to.
Our new normal:
*Spending the holidays creatively coming up with the perfect wreath or gift to walk down to the cemetary.
*Accepting the looks on peoples faces when they see you. We've definately had to get used to the fact that people look at us in pity or with a look of wanting to talk to you but afraid. We've gotten pretty good at reading those faces, so it's just easier on us both for u just to come up to us!!
*Being afraid to walk into a room filled with people because u're not sure when the tears are going to sneak up on you.
*Reenvisioning the accident moments and the what ifs that go along with it.
*Not being able to sit still, not even for a moment, because when u do, a happy day turns to a sad day because the quiet and stillness hurts
*doing, spending, and keeping busy to try and fill the void for just a moment.
*going to a resturant or out to enjoy yourselves and notice every child that walks by, espeicially those close to her age.
*accepting the change in friendships and family relationships
*and finally, realizing that life won't ever be the same, whether people understand you or not, and realizing that everyone else's life does go on, but you still will always have this grief and new normal FOREVER!!!!