Saturday, February 27, 2010

Why was I chosen for this life??

Tonight we decided to head out on to town in Toledo. Nicholas is headed back to work on Monday, which Praise the Lord, but yet.....YIKES!!!!!!!! Definately not sure he is physically ready for an 8 hour day on concrete all day. He still has lots of pain when he's on it for a while. We were having a grand time out together. First we went to Kohls to get him a pair of Nike's that were comfortable for him to stand in all day. I shopped the winter clearance racks at 80% off for Ashalyn for next winter. I love after season sales!!! Walked out of Kohls with an awesome pair of Nike's for Nicholas and 8 winter sweaters for Ashalyn (Ashalyn's totalling only about $12).
Then we were on a mission to find a resturant on a Saturday night that didnt have hours and hours of waiting. Only place we came up with was Texas Roadhouse. As we are walking in the front desk girl, Brittany, from my OB office was on her way out to the car to get something!! When we got in there her and I got to talking and she brought up Miranda and how much hair she had and how beautiful she was!! We talked about her and this pregnancy and it was just a joyous conversation! PRAISE GOD for people that dont mind talking about her!! And a double praise God for those that bring her up in conversation before I even think to say anything!!
Then we are seated in the exact booth that Nicholas and I sat in on our "first date". We both smiled and just enjoyed the memories. It was a matter of minutes the booth diagonal from us was being seated...a family with 3 being a little girl that exact size Miranda would be now. I couldnt help but to watch cautiously at this family. At first it was a happy time marveling the little girl...and then as dinner progressed my eyes started tearing and all I could think was how I wanted to go grab the baby and give her attention. The poor little girl sat in the aisle way, wide awake, with her carseat cover still over her and fussed around a little....and it bothered me so badly to see the parents sipping away on their margaritas and not giving her the least bit of attention....thru the entire meal. So I can't help but to does God choose what parents will have to fill these shoes? Nicholas and I could have given Miranda so much love. I see children all around us. I'm at the point where they still make me smile. I envision Miranda happy in the arms of Jesus' but when you think you're having the best day u've had in awhile the tears just sneak up on you in the least expected place and time. I think it's something that will always happen....even years down the road. In 5 years when we look out the window on the first day of school and see all the little ones walking to school I'm sure it will still hit us.
The waiter brought us our food and asks me to cut into my steak, I cant even look at him because the tears are just rolling down my face. He walks away and I can't help but to chuckle because he has no clue to why I'm crying but I feel silly because he probably thinks I'm insane. Nicholas looks at me and says, "so this is our life from now on huh??" As we both are tearing up. The entire time all I could think of was wishing we could afford to buy this family their meal or wish I had a small toy to share with the little girl...she made my day as I dreamed of my little Miranda. The tears aren't depressed tears when this happens. People cannot make me just happens! I dont even know how to explain it but I just have to wonder how we were chosen to fill these shoes in this life??? Something I will never understand. And something I'm not sure I'm capable of doing, they are HUGE ugly shoes to be wearing!!!

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Our sweet Miranda

Our sweet Miranda


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