Tuesday, August 19, 2008

part 2

This is kindof in continuation to the last post on being patient. I have to ask myself every day "how?" Lord, how can I be patient? Work is stressing me out. For the last 2 months I have been walking almost 2 miles every day just trying to relax and let out some of this energy. I'm irritable. The little things get to me. I feel huge and unattractive. At the end of the day, when I'm laying in bed and Nicholas and I get ready to begin our prayers together, I look at him and say, "well, another day has come and gone and still no progress." And I begin to hope and pray, maybe during the night. Then after many hours of laying and watching the clock change, tossing and turning, I'm reminded by an obnoxious beep, that I must begin yet another day, another day of work, and another long day just anxiously wondering if today we will have any further progression of contractions or if we are only yet another minute closer to our baby girl. That's what it seems, minutes seem to be hours and the days seem to be weeks. Now I know every pregnant woman goes through this at this point... but why am I so bothered by the fact that she is still not here? Is it because all my life, as long as I remember, awaited this day. Children have always been so precious to me and since I've been on the woman's path of hormones, I have anxiously wanted and thrived to be a mother. Over and over I thought of things I want to do with my family, places I want to go, relive some of my childhood memories through my children. Horrible thoughts at night envade my dreams, with several reoccuring ones, that have scared me to no end. Is that why I am ready to hold her in my arms, so I can say they were only dreams. Labor and delivery is now starting to scare me. Part because of the dreams and part because its all I can think about, week after week, day after day, and now minute after minute. I'm having lots of patches of consistant contractions, 8 minutes apart, but after an hour or so of it they fade. I change activities or sit to relax and they deminish. So, as I've been told I'm having false labor. It's been going on for days now. Saturday night I thought for sure we would be holding our little girl in a matter of hours.....and then it all vanishes. And I have to start the process all over again. Or was it because of the horrible "unsure" due date? All along I was looking at September but every time I went in to the dr. I was reminded that August 14th was a good possibility still? So after being told over and over I began to put that date in my head and as it neared I got more and more excited. Now it is past and it makes September 3 seem sooooo far away. August 19th and I still do not know my due date, still uncomfortable, still fearing the process, and still not sure what will/is going to happen. Not knowing how my previously injured tailbone and lumbar will hold or if it will allow me to do it natural. Still so many unanswered questions....and I wonder if that's why my anxiety is so intense. So Lord, please tell me!! Or teach me for that matter, how???
As to many, I probably seem to be a baby. I have some intense pelvic pressure that I have had for near a month now. I have some back pain that causes my back to lock, sometimes sending me back to bed or tumbling into Nicholas' arms (all from a previous injury). But the dr is still insisting natural childbirth would be best. And honestly that does scare me. I would love to say I did it all natural and would love to be able to but the what ifs and how tos lead me to lots of question and all my anxiety. I feel great though, minus some of the aches and pain, stress and worry, physically I am full of energy and constantly on the go. I am finding ways to keep myself busy but cannot seem to bipass the thing that preoccupies me my mind the most!! So it's just mentally I AM A WRECK!!!!!
As you can tell I am drawn in 45.5 directions with all this and probably have many confused. Heck, I have myself confused!! But I've just past 18 minutes and one contraction later!!! Now if only knew that contraction did something and helped me to progress in any way!!!
But all this rambling being said, I still pray for my baby, for a healthy baby, and for whatever day to come, so we can celebrate her birth, her life, and celebrate the changing of our lives forever!!!! WE ARE SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!

1 comment:

Kristen said...

Here's a grateful thought that might be more humorous than helpful (because truly, is there anything that can be helpfully spoken when you're this miserable, this pregnant, this hormonal?..hehe). So here's the thought:

Aren't you grateful that they have drugs that can induce you so you know you won't be pregnant FOREVER if your body would decide to not do it for you? I remember hearing a story that Goldie Hawn went a month pass her due date!! Crazy huh! :o)

Hang in there girl! Soon you'll be sighing of relief and saying "I did it!!"

Our sweet Miranda

Our sweet Miranda


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