Why was I chosen for this life??

Tonight we decided to head out on to town in Toledo. Nicholas is headed back to work on Monday, which Praise the Lord, but yet.....YIKES!!!!!!!! Definately not sure he is physically ready for an 8 hour day on concrete all day. He still has lots of pain when he's on it for a while. We were having a grand time out together. First we went to Kohls to get him a pair of Nike's that were comfortable for him to stand in all day. I shopped the winter clearance racks at 80% off for Ashalyn for next winter. I love after season sales!!! Walked out of Kohls with an awesome pair of Nike's for Nicholas and 8 winter sweaters for Ashalyn (Ashalyn's totalling only about $12).
Then we were on a mission to find a resturant on a Saturday night that didnt have hours and hours of waiting. Only place we came up with was Texas Roadhouse. As we are walking in the front desk girl, Brittany, from my OB office was on her way out to the car to get something!! When we got in there her and I got to talking and she brought up Miranda and how much hair she had and how beautiful she was!! We talked about her and this pregnancy and it was just a joyous conversation! PRAISE GOD for people that dont mind talking about her!! And a double praise God for those that bring her up in conversation before I even think to say anything!!
Then we are seated in the exact booth that Nicholas and I sat in on our "first date". We both smiled and just enjoyed the memories. It was a matter of minutes the booth diagonal from us was being seated...a family with 3 children...one being a little girl that exact size Miranda would be now. I couldnt help but to watch cautiously at this family. At first it was a happy time marveling the little girl...and then as dinner progressed my eyes started tearing and all I could think was how I wanted to go grab the baby and give her attention. The poor little girl sat in the aisle way, wide awake, with her carseat cover still over her and fussed around a little....and it bothered me so badly to see the parents sipping away on their margaritas and not giving her the least bit of attention....thru the entire meal. So I can't help but to wonder....how does God choose what parents will have to fill these shoes? Nicholas and I could have given Miranda so much love. I see children all around us. I'm at the point where they still make me smile. I envision Miranda happy in the arms of Jesus' but when you think you're having the best day u've had in awhile the tears just sneak up on you in the least expected place and time. I think it's something that will always happen....even years down the road. In 5 years when we look out the window on the first day of school and see all the little ones walking to school I'm sure it will still hit us.
The waiter brought us our food and asks me to cut into my steak, I cant even look at him because the tears are just rolling down my face. He walks away and I can't help but to chuckle because he has no clue to why I'm crying but I feel silly because he probably thinks I'm insane. Nicholas looks at me and says, "so this is our life from now on huh??" As we both are tearing up. The entire time all I could think of was wishing we could afford to buy this family their meal or wish I had a small toy to share with the little girl...she made my day as I dreamed of my little Miranda. The tears aren't depressed tears when this happens. People cannot make me cry...it just happens! I dont even know how to explain it but I just have to wonder how we were chosen to fill these shoes in this life??? Something I will never understand. And something I'm not sure I'm capable of doing, they are HUGE ugly shoes to be wearing!!!

Visit from Pastor Brad

I decided so that it all flows and makes sense I will just be adding to the past post from my journal to tell the story of the accident, as I did just last week! Because I don't think I'll ever get caught up to the correct date if I don't. So starting from here, it'll be all daily events, feelings and thoughts and Ill just post when I've added to my story for those that want to follow.

Last week we had a scheduled time for Pastor Brad to stop by to visit, but I canceled. So we rescheduled for today. It was much more needed for today anyways. On Monday I kinda went rounds with my emotions. I had to deal with the insurance company again. I'm pretty sure that in that corporate office I am nobody and they really don't care about our past 6 months, they do this all day every day, so 6 months to them is nothing.
Our goal was to have Miranda's headstone up by the one year anniversary. Something we want to do for her, as well as for us. We took great pride picking out her stone. We envisioned so much about her life, things we will do for her and with her....everything!! We had dreams for her and it all was taken from us in moments. So the one thing we can do for her yet here on earth is fill that plot with as much love and detail as possible. At holidays we not only pick out a small gift for Ashalyn but we envision what ways we can share it with Miranda as well. Her stone to us is going to be a marker that will last forever and a way for us to give her just a little of what we wish we could....so choosing her headstone just HAD to be perfect.
First, after being pressured by insurance to give them a price, we went in to look, completely not sure what to expect and not really ready. You have to choose your color, the material you want it made out of, picture, wording, size...it's just all overwhelming. And then to hear the price....we left completely depressed. So, over the next months we talked about what we want and started jotting down our "envisions" of the stone that fit her perfect! As our time missing her went on, we had more and more stories and finally came up with the perfect stone. Now to find it. We were unsatisfied with the people at the first place so we chose to look at another. The moment we walked in we knew we were in the right place and from the moment we saw the stone we knew!! And now, coming near the end of February, we should have it all set from the insurance company.....but....instead they think they can push us around. It was easy for them to tell us to get going when we werent ready, and now that our time is coming to an end to have it all set so it can be placed on the anniversary they decide its not that important....because now we're down to the time for the expense part. I WILL NOT be pushed around anymore by them, because this is super important to us...but, a month ago, they decided to stall even longer...and I just find out this on Monday.
So having a rough week it was great to get this visit today from Pastor Brad. I admire this man in so many ways. His voice is so calming and makes you feel so much more at peace in circumstances that we have had to encounter. He was by oursides all thru the night when we were getting to enjoy Miranda in our arms, he helped us understand what doctors were saying, what we'd have to go thru in the next days, he helped us with the funeral plans because we were never prepared for all those decisions, he gave the sermon at her funeral and he's been there for us since..just an amazing man. He helped me realize today that things will never be back to how they were, what others call normal. We will find a new normal in all this.
The new normal is something we are slowly coming to terms with and trying to get used to.
Our new normal:
*Spending the holidays creatively coming up with the perfect wreath or gift to walk down to the cemetary.
*Accepting the looks on peoples faces when they see you. We've definately had to get used to the fact that people look at us in pity or with a look of wanting to talk to you but afraid. We've gotten pretty good at reading those faces, so it's just easier on us both for u just to come up to us!!
*Being afraid to walk into a room filled with people because u're not sure when the tears are going to sneak up on you.
*Reenvisioning the accident moments and the what ifs that go along with it.
*Not being able to sit still, not even for a moment, because when u do, a happy day turns to a sad day because the quiet and stillness hurts
*doing, spending, and keeping busy to try and fill the void for just a moment.
*going to a resturant or out to enjoy yourselves and notice every child that walks by, espeicially those close to her age.
*accepting the change in friendships and family relationships
*and finally, realizing that life won't ever be the same, whether people understand you or not, and realizing that everyone else's life does go on, but you still will always have this grief and new normal FOREVER!!!!

People have been telling me to write down my story, write a blog, even write a book. I've been keeping a journal but just not really ready to share, thinking not many really would be interested in reading it. Today I had an old friend from Tennessee tell me I should write a blog, she's sure people would read it. She has sent me random messages that seem to come on my hardest days letting me know they are praying for us, and so are many I've never met. So she encouraged me with my writing and made me decide to bring my journal "public" I guess for others to read. If someone can get something out of this, great. I don't know how often Ill post...i cant promise anything. It'll take me quite awhile to catch up to now for its a long journal. Please note, that at first I go into detail of the parts I remember. Then I tell of Nicholas story as he tells me. I don't forget about him in all this!! He is/was my life. So, I guess here's to the inside of my journals. (When I choose to stop typing for a bit Ill continue right where I left off in the next blog, so it might seem a little backwards and the dates will not go together!)


For the past three years I had been sharing stories of Lake Avalon in Hillman, Michigan with the love of my life, Nicholas; its' beauty and childhood memories. We'd drive by the exit upon every trip up north to visit his dad and each time I'd beg him for the chance to take him there. It has always been a dream of mine to take my husband and children to this lake to enjoy its beauty together and also create many memories, as I did as a child. So, it being my birthday weekend, Nicholas asked me where I wanted to go.




Also, a holiday weekend we both had an extra day off and my parents were already headed up there to go fishing, along with my grandparents, so without hesitation I knew this would be perfect. The entire week prior I went back and forth debating whether we should go being so close to giving birth to our second daughter, Miranda. With only 3 weeks to go, we decided this would be a perfect way to relax and enjoy Ashalyn fully before her sister's arrival.







It was a cool, September morning when we packed up into my grandpa's mini van and joined my parents and grandparents on this mini, weekend fishing trip. And to make my dream come true of introducing Nicholas and Ashalyn to muhc of my childhood years. The perfect weekend: We swam. We fished. Nicholas tubed and knee boarded. We played games. We relaxed. We had several special family bonding times.







Saturday evening we sat on the end of the dock in lounge chairs with a full moon and fireworks over the water. Ashalyn fell asleep on daddy's shoulder and Miranda kicked in mommy's belly right along with the boom of the fireworks display. An absolute perfect moment, we talked and made plans for our daughters futures. We remembered Ashalyn's first fireworks experience and wondered how Miranda would enjoy them when she came. We discussed lots that we were going to do as a family, but we were never prepared for what was about to come.

We had a 300 mile journey home ahead of us, so we all buckled up and made ourselves comfortable. All getting a little hungry, we made one last stop at a McDonald's for a potty break and a quick snack. Having a few contractions I chose to switch places with Nicholas and take a nap on the back seat. After several miles I was sound asleep, but awoken by Nicholas letting out a scream. "Denver!"

Ashalyn has just dropped her sippy cup so Nicholas unbuckled to assist getting it for her. In the instant he did this he was able to see the stopped vehicles within a few feet in front of us, his reasoning behind the scream. Not sure what had just happened, I'm finding myself fighting to stay awake and hollaring for the phone. I see Nicholas, pale as can be, with blood just dripping from the side of his face, fighting as hard as he can to break free to get to Ashalyn and I. Ashalyn is screaming in her seat, with her mouth wide open and blood gushing from her mouth. My grandfather and grandmother both unconscious.

I look down and I notice a definate break in my arm but feel no pain. I try to stand but cannot move from my knees off the floor of the mini-van. Than I am reminded of our unborn baby in my belly....we have to get help I remember thinking. But how? It seemed like we were in the middle of nowhere and neither Nicholas or I were able to get to the cell phone. I had no idea where we were and remember thinking no one was going to find us. But within seconds there were people there, 2 especially that my family will never forget.

The bystanders were trying to keep us calm and tell us help is on the way, but I look up to see the van smoking. I beg for them to help us out before it starts on fire, so they grab Ashalyn's entire car seat and take her up out of the van to safety. At this point now I cant see her and I'm crying for them to bring her into my sight. Now I can see Ashalyn, but remember I'm slowly starting to fade, so before I do I want to ask about my baby. "What about my baby? How is she?"

The girl at the top of the hill tries to calm me, "She's okay. She's right here, we have her and trying to keep her outta the rain." She was such a pretty girl and I'll never forget her sweetness, but at that point I was frustrated and I argued with her. "I'm talking about the baby in my belly." I think the look on the guys face who was trying to calm me said it all at that point. All the sudden I hear them saying, "We have a pregnant lady. We need to get her help NOW!" They were talking to me trying to keep me awake. Vaguely I hear sirens, but they seemed so distant. Within seconds it seemed liek a whole group of hunters we're coming to our rescue. Later, I was told not a single guy there was in camaflouge. That's how out of it I was.

About that quick, these guys I thought were hunters are pulling me from the van and strapping me to a hard board. Pretty sure I was about to fall on my head, I ask if this is a dream. A man speaks to me, seems like it was the slowest speaking man I've ever listened to and says, "I wish I could tell you it was mam, but you have been in a bad car accident." In the next minute I hear people yelling for help. They were trying to climb a steep hill to get me out of the ditch. "I'm slipping." "This rain isn't helping us." "We need more help." "Together, we gotta get her up this ditch." Pretty sure I'm at a 90 degree angle about to fall on my head I try to remain calm because the pain of the board just hurts. Every bump and slip from the rain caused more pain. Finally I'm up and they lift me into the ambulance with Ashalyn to get me out of the rain and to wait for lifeflight.

Ashalyn was in the ambulance at my head. My poor little girl was screaming and scared and all I wanted to do was hold her and make it all go away. But, I couldnt, I could move and I felt helpless, like a failure of a mother and a failure of a wife. I left on life flight not even knowing if my husband made it out alive. It was the worst thought of my life. On the lifeflight ride I cried. I begged that they not call children's services on me for leaving Ashalyn behind with strangers. I treid to pray but just could not find the words.

I was told that Ashalyn and Nicholas were on their way together on another lifeflight and we'd all be at the same hospital together. That was a huge relief. Then I was told they had a heart beat of 142 for the baby; the next huge relief. That was the moment I thought we'd be okay. We were goingt o be a pretty banged up family but our family was going to be together.

We were in the trauma room at St Vs where they were evauluating all our broken bones and cuts. I had people on all sides of me, poking and proding, but my eyes remained solely on one lady, the ultrasound tech. The look on her face will never leave my mind. That was the exact moment that I knew my baby girl left me to be in the arms of Jesus. They didnt have to tell me, I just knew. I couldnt cry because I still held out hope. I prayed and begged that I wasnt right.

Soon I was being wheeled in for a cat scan. The entire catscan I'm reliving the look on her face and not even realizing if I was pregnant we wouldnt be doing a catscan. That didn't dawn on me once. I was in to much pain from them moving me from stretcher to board to bed to whatever else I was moved to. I remember going into the tunnel and praying. My prayer was, "God, I just have a feeling you're holding my little angel. Protect her for me." But I still was holding my breath it was all a dream. After the scan was all done I looked to the lady doing my catscan and said, "do you have any info on my baby." She had to of known, they wouldnt have sent me for a catscan if I was pregnant, but all she could say, "they don't tell me those things."

Now I'm watching ceiling tiles go by and being wheeled down another hallway. I see a state trooper out of the corner of my eye, his hat off his head and by his chest. Finally I'm in a room, it didnt feel like much of a room, dull and machines all behind me. I'm in a neck brace so all I can do is look up and whatever moving my eyes will allow me to see. But shortly a man, that I will never forget, comes in. He seemed like a sweet man, but I dispise him to this day. He tells me how sorry he is but there was no fetal movements and they would be going in soon to operate. I even remember asking him, "is there still a chance she'll be alive?" And with the saddest, sweetest look he could have he nods his head and says, "I'm sorry."

Life is not fair and the person I needed by my side the most was off being treated for his injuries as well. I could have used Ashalyn's smile but she too was being treated. It was the worst experience a parent should NEVER have to go through, especially alone. I wanted to stant up and run to Nicholas and Ashalyn because I know they were getting the news as well but I had no clue where they even were at this point. It absolutely sucked.

I don't remember exactly when it was that Nicholas and I were brought into the same room together in the intensive care unit, but I do remember at one point reaching my arm out for his hand and we was there. We couldnt see each other because we were both flat on our backs with neck braces. We couldnt turn side to side to really even see who was there. But there was one moment that seemed so heavenly. The lights in the room seemed so dull but everything seemed to have a special glow to it. That was the moment they placed my sweet Miranda in my arms. I was beaten to crap and everything seemed so perfect and so beautiful for those few short minutes. Almost as if Miranda was giving me just a glimpse of what she was getting to enjoy in heaven.

moving!!

So, I'm still not any good at keeping this updated regularly, but maybe now that I'm no longer doing the whole social blogging of facebook and myspace I'll get better at this. We will see. Honestly, I don't have a whole lot of new to report on pregnancy number 2. I haven't been near as sick and feel pretty good for the most part. I've had a few days, but nothing like I did with pregnancy 1. With this one sometimes I wonder if the blood tests and urine sample was just a fluke and misread. The great thing about this, it has allowed me to continue giving my full attention to playing with Ashalyn, reading to her, and just enjoying her right now! She is getting so big. She has a tooth now, sitting on her own, trying to feed herself (sometimes this is a little frustrating because when u go to feed her she tries ripping the spoon outta your hand!!) and has the military crawl down pretty good. now if we can just get her to lift her tummy off the floor.

In the next few weeks, things are going to change drastically for us. We will be going from a one bedroom apartment to a 4 bedroom house, with a finished basement. We aren't going to know what to do with all our room. We are super excited about that, but sad at the same time. We are very saddened by the fact that the house we are moving into is going to be vaccant because our niece and nephews (and my sister and brother in law) are moving ALL THE WAY to florida. It makes me tear up thinking about it. They all seem to be pretty excited about the changes that will be taking place in their lives though, so it makes it a little easier!! WE ARE JUST GOING TO MISS THEM LIKE CRAZY!!!!!

I have a huge list of things I am looking forward to though.
1) Ashalyn will have her own bedroom. I'm hoping this helps with the nights going a little better.
2) Nicholas and I will have our own bedroom. We love having Ashalyn there by us. Her snoring is just the cutest, but we do miss getting to wake up and just lay there and talk in the morning. Right now, we worry about waking her prematurely.
3) We are going to have lots more privacy out in the country.
4) the jacuzzi
5) all hard wood floors
6) a big kitchen.....it'll be so much easier to cook good meals!!!
7) entertaining....right now, its almost embarrassing inviting friends over because there's just NO ROOM!
8) everything will have a place....instead of where ever there is room!! and half in my parents basement, my mother in laws garage, our vehicles, etc.
9) big yard for summertime with Ashalyn
10) a garage for winter time!!!
11).....well, the list could go on, but I will stop now!!!

This is going to be great for us!! We are really looking forward to moving next week, but still so sad to say good-bye!!! A great excuse for a family vacation to florida tho!!!

do you really want to say that to me?

I apologize to anyone who reads this, but I'm gonna vent a little on here. I am so frustrated by people coming up to me asking me if I'm sure I'm ready and if I'm gonna be able to handle another baby right now! I pray for patience with these people, but all I get is an anger that sweeps over me. I have never had any doubt in my mind that we can handle this! We knew what we were doing and I wish people would just get off of our backs about it! Nicholas knew before he married me that I wanted my children close in age and that I wanted to be done having them by the time I'm 30! (I'm 26 now) And he agreed with me that that was the best plan for us!! So personally, I wish people would let us live our lives, be happy for us and if they aren't just keep their opinions to themselves. I hear it all the time, "you sure are brave" "i can't believe your pregnant AGAIN" "all i can say is Good Luck" "i'm glad it's you and not me because I couldn't handle it" and so on, but those are the ones I hear most often!
Now yes, we did get pregnant a lot faster than we thought we would, but NO we were not doing anything to prevent it! We knew we were ready if it did happen! And quite frankly if I hear it again, I hope those people don't get offended when I start to defend myself. Because I AM TIRED OF HEARING IT!! Contrary to what people believe, this is not going to make us enjoy Ashalyn any less. The comment that hurts the worst is when people say, "don't you want to enjoy your time with Ashalyn while she's young." Trust me when I say this, Ashalyn is our life! We enjoy her to the fullest every day and will continue to when baby #2 arrives.
I have no doubt in my mind that Nick and I can and will be successful parents to two beautiful children no matter the age difference! I'm sorry, it's just super frustrating when people do not keep their opinions to themselves sometimes!!!

Ashalyn and her cousins!

Wow, what a weekend!! My sister and her husband left on Saturday with a few of their friends for Vegas and left Brett, Brandon, and Paris with us. We had so much fun with our niece and nephews and Ashalyn had a blast. They left this morning and may I say that my house is now trashed and looks like a tornado literally swept through my house!! But we sure had fun!! My day today will consist of cleaning now, but just a little recap of the week! Saturday night we packed them all in the car and made our way to the Pettisville Wauseon basketball game!! The kids love going to the games, so this I know they enjoyed!! Then Pizza Hut!! Sunday we went to my parents for a little and they played there! Monday I got a sitter (my mom) for while I had my ultrasound and then later that night Paris had gymnastics!! And Nick had church league basketball! So that was crazy and busy!! Last night was just a stay at home and play kinda day, although we did go to Walmart which the kids seemed to love the most!!! I'll admit, it was a little crazy around here, but now that they are gone, it's so quiet that Ashalyn and I don't know what to do!! LOL!! We will miss them being here all the time!!!

Our ultrasound went about as expected!! My OB thought maybe I was about 11 weeks along, since I've yet to have a normal cycle since I've had my csection with Ashalyn, but I was pretty convinced I was only about 8 weeks! The ultrasound showed me at 7 weeks and 3 days, making my due date October 9. Since I went csection, this one also will have to be done the same. So the scheduled date will be earlier than my actual due date, but not sure yet how much earlier. With Ashalyn I went 4 weeks early, so I'm sure he will take that into consideriation some! Even if we are looking at the end of September that puts Ashalyn and Baby 13 months apart so not too bad!! :-) Baby didn't really look like a baby yet, so tiny and just has little buds! But it amazes me even more seeing the early phases of how awesome creating a baby is! The whole process just amazes me more and more ever day!! How baby starts out and then just watching Ashalyn go from the 5 lb 5oz baby girl to our 14 lb 4 oz big girl who is sitting up, rolling ALL over, jabbering, attempting to crawl, and now standing up on her little feet (with help of course). Like I said, the whole process is a MIRACLE and AMAZING gift from God!! To compare our little 7 week 3 day baby in the womb to our 6 month old princess, really makes the birth cycle seem so much more incredible!!

I have been feeling pretty good! I've had a few days where I havent felt the best, but given the craziness I'm going through right now, it's understandable!! This one has been so different from my pregnancy with Ashalyn so far (just the first few weeks) so Boy, maybe? We will see!! Either way, we pray for a beautiful healthy baby!!

3+1=4

I know I said I was done blogging, but I just couldn't do it! I missed expressing myself and its so much easier to do here than on a piece or two of notebook paper! Things are so different now. Dad is doing better, but mom had an incident last week. I guess you can say our family is accident/health prone. On her way to church she slipped on their throw rug in the enterance way and fell to the ground in so much pain! They had to have a resuce squad come because she could not move from the laying position without an extreme amount of pain. She is bed ridden now due to a torn pcl, mcl, miniscis (spelling i'm sure is way off) and another pulled joint in her knee. She will go into the surgeon on Tuesday and have surgery in the week to follow. It has been kinda nice me not working because I have been able to do some cooking, cleaning, and even grocery shopping for them. Ashalyn has also been able to keep grandma company while over there because she is getting rather bored sitting around all day! we are just thankful dad is back to work now.

And as far as in our immediate family of Nicholas, Ashalyn and I, we are overwhelmed with joy and pleased to announce that our family of 3 has grown! One day I was feeling a little nausous and all I could think was man, not the flu! Please God! Then it dawned on me that I was over a week past my regularly ontime cycle and sure enough our cheap generic test had two lines. So once again we found ourselves on the way to walmart to buy a more expensive and more trusted pregnancy test.

After the initial shock and realizing Ashalyn was only 5 months old we were so grateful and very excited. Yes, there was the scared feeling of what our families would think, and a few people that were just flat rude with us because we just had a baby and told us we wouldn't be able to handle it and were crazy, but overall we were filled with excitement! I have always had a burning desire to have twins, but wanted it to happen naturally. Since my grandfather was a twinI just thought it'd be neat to carry on the gene. But maybe I won't be able to do that so this is God's way of getting me as close as possible....who knows!! My chances for twins are still pretty high because Nick's dad is also a twin...but having them close together like this could bring some of the same things that a multiple birth would! I have had the chance to be around several sets of twins and even triplets throughout my life and just find the whole process and thought of it absolutely amazing! So with this closeness in age, I look forward to the challenges we will encounter and all the excitement of watching them grow so close over the years! The only one challenge I could skip i think is that when Ashalyn finally gets all her teeth in and no more mouth pain it will start all over with the next one.

The teething process has not been fun. She has been chewing on EVERYTHING! Pretty much anything she can get her hands on becomes a teether. She gnaws on her hands and jabbers and fusses throughout most the night and day. She has been running a low grade fever now for about the past week. You can feel her front teeth and see where they will be coming in, her gums are all white, but no signs of them breaking through yet.

So far the pregnancy has been so much different than that with Ashalyn. I have only had one awful day so far but other than that have felt great!! I really have not had a desire to eat though so I've had a hard time making myself eat when its time. I find myself sleeping pretty heavy at night but havent had the need yet to crawl in bed and sleep my day away like I did with my first pregnancy!! Which is a blessing since now I have a little one to take care of during the day! She has really helped keep my mind off of being pregnant that I havent really had time to get tired i dont think!!

Ashalyn is growing so big and so so fast! In 3 days she will be 6 months. I cannot believe it! But at the same time, I don't remember life before those 6 months. She has truly changed our lives in so so many ways!! WHAT A BlESSING!!!

And just one more recent picture of our beautiful princess!!! This is one of daddy's favorite pictures ever I think!! Chris "Beanie" Wells from THE Ohio State University! We're hoping for a draft pick with the Cleveland Browns this year!! We will see!!