Hopefully this is a good thing!

We had a fabulous time out with some friends tonight. Just a casual meal at pizza hut but it was great catching up and just chatting with each other. A much needed time away.
However, we get home and what do I find on our answering machine. A call from the insurance company. Our policy was switched to a new adjuster (hopefully a much better one). But now we start all over again. For a few months now I've been trying to get all the details worked out for Miranda's headstone and funeral expenses. As I mentioned before if we want it out at the one year anniversary, which is a huge deal to us, it has to be paid for by end of March. A few months back I sent the quotes to the address the adjuster gave me, but never heard a single word for weeks. I called and come to find out she had me send it to corperate office who probably knows nothing about the case....so "it's probably sitting in a lost mail pile." Then she gives me her Toledo address and guess what, 2 days later it was returned to me, wrong address. So finally it's sent off and now a call saying the policy was being switched to a different adjusters and we would pretty much be starting over with the claims. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like they are trying to buy time for some reason. And its kind of frustrating me. We havent even got an answer yet to whether they will be covering any of it and we will then have to figure out where we're going to come up with the $ for the stone, the funeral, plots and the cement that needs to be poured. I just pray that maybe this insurance adjuster may know a little more about the ins and outs of it and be a little more helpful and timely! That would definately be a huge answered prayer!!!
I love LOVE love our time out with friends and away from the house because it seems like for just a moment we can escape the bills, phone calls, questions and constant reminder of what we "owe" from this thing we never asked for!

Is it Christmas Time yet??

I found myself all day today humming Christmas carols! And then when I was rocking Hayden (girl I watch) in the lazy boy today Rock-A-Bye Baby turned into Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. Now, I fully understand that it's February and Christmas is no where near here...but I crave for Christmas time to be here. I honestly think it's because I didn't have a Christmas this past year. Okay, yes, I live in the same calender year as everyone else. I decorated the house and put the tree up before Halloween even this past year. People called me crazy. But please let me explain this.
The accident was in September. So by the end of October we were looking for whatever we could find to do, after being trapped inside for nearly two months. And at that point we were online shopping, puppy hunting, and just trying to fill a void. So we both seen fit to decorate for our favorite time of year to try and bring a little joy into our home. We decorated and enjoyed it for the time being, but I truely feel we were robbed of Christmas this year. Normally we sing carols together and have lots of Christmas traditions that we carry on. Christmas is a happy time for us. This year it felt as if we just went through the motions and celebrated just enough to get by with saying we did.
We spent much time preparing a mini Christmas tree for Miranda at the gravesite, that we just were never happy enough with. So we went with a grave pillow with ornaments to match our tree that we loved, but didnt replace her being in our home with us on Christmas day. I spent the week before Christmas in the hospital then with my infection from the accident. The hospital had restrictions of visitors at the time because of flu season. So Christmas Eve I layed in bed all night and cried and cried. First I was expected to spend Christmas without Miranda and then they expected me to not see Ashalyn either?? It was the lonliest worst feeling ever! So I fibbed a little about the pain, so I could be released on Christmas afternoon. I was home, but didn't enjoy much of Christmas.
This past Christmas we spent more than we probably could afford and way more than we usually do...but like I said, we had to fill the void for the time being. Well now Christmas is way passed and I'm ready to celebrate. I wonder what ppl in our community would think if we put lights up outside in Feb? Or had our Christmas tree up in our big front window? I think they will think we lost our minds honestly.
So I have to ask, is this a "normal" process of grief? You realize after its gone that you missed out on something? At the time, we were going through the motions so it felt like we were there, but sure did not feel like "Christmas". Are all holidays and every Christmas from on out going to just be going through the motions?? Today, I just feel like it being Christmas. But what will tomorrow bring??

Something good!

We have almost hit the 6 month mark since our accident and finally something good has come! Nicholas has headed back to work today. We really aren't sure how this is going to go, because his hip is still very weak. He says he feels as if the bone in the femur has healed mostly, but he says "I'm pretty sure my muscles are torn to crap." During the craziness of the accident, while waiting for people to arrive, Nicholas tried to get to Ashalyn and I. With his first attempt he tried to stand up and fell down. Tried a second time, and fell again. So he looked down and say his toes behind his heals. Now that seems impossible, but his femur (main bone in the leg) was completely snapped into 3 pieces and one piece was crushed, so his leg twisted and kinda dangled there, also trapped in the back of the drivers seat. To get a little of a visual (warning...this is a little graphic) this is a picture that my uncle took before the van was hauled off to be totaled. But this is the back of the drivers seat where Nicholas landed. His leg was traped in the seat and if u see the two metal bars going down the back, his impact completely twisted these bars. They had to use jaws of life to get him out.

Anyways, my point in this, Nicholas truely feels that if he wouldn't have tried to stand he'd be healed by now. He's convinced that him standing tore his muscles for good. Now we don't have any medical proof to this, but he is convinced that his leg won't ever be the same! We just praise God for the healing that has taken place. The entire way to the hospital he was pretty sure his leg was going to be amputated....so praise God that was not the result. I've been sending up prayers left and right for him today. We need him to return because our financial funds are running low, but I just want him to make a complete recovery and not have to be in the pain he's in. He works in a factory so he's on his feet 8 hours a day on concrete. So I'm praying for as much comfort as possible and that he can continue to heal even after his return!!
I am so incrediably proud of him though. He has had his down days, but for the most part has stayed pretty positive for all he's been through!!! I lvoe you Nicholas!

Why was I chosen for this life??

Tonight we decided to head out on to town in Toledo. Nicholas is headed back to work on Monday, which Praise the Lord, but yet.....YIKES!!!!!!!! Definately not sure he is physically ready for an 8 hour day on concrete all day. He still has lots of pain when he's on it for a while. We were having a grand time out together. First we went to Kohls to get him a pair of Nike's that were comfortable for him to stand in all day. I shopped the winter clearance racks at 80% off for Ashalyn for next winter. I love after season sales!!! Walked out of Kohls with an awesome pair of Nike's for Nicholas and 8 winter sweaters for Ashalyn (Ashalyn's totalling only about $12).
Then we were on a mission to find a resturant on a Saturday night that didnt have hours and hours of waiting. Only place we came up with was Texas Roadhouse. As we are walking in the front desk girl, Brittany, from my OB office was on her way out to the car to get something!! When we got in there her and I got to talking and she brought up Miranda and how much hair she had and how beautiful she was!! We talked about her and this pregnancy and it was just a joyous conversation! PRAISE GOD for people that dont mind talking about her!! And a double praise God for those that bring her up in conversation before I even think to say anything!!
Then we are seated in the exact booth that Nicholas and I sat in on our "first date". We both smiled and just enjoyed the memories. It was a matter of minutes the booth diagonal from us was being seated...a family with 3 children...one being a little girl that exact size Miranda would be now. I couldnt help but to watch cautiously at this family. At first it was a happy time marveling the little girl...and then as dinner progressed my eyes started tearing and all I could think was how I wanted to go grab the baby and give her attention. The poor little girl sat in the aisle way, wide awake, with her carseat cover still over her and fussed around a little....and it bothered me so badly to see the parents sipping away on their margaritas and not giving her the least bit of attention....thru the entire meal. So I can't help but to wonder....how does God choose what parents will have to fill these shoes? Nicholas and I could have given Miranda so much love. I see children all around us. I'm at the point where they still make me smile. I envision Miranda happy in the arms of Jesus' but when you think you're having the best day u've had in awhile the tears just sneak up on you in the least expected place and time. I think it's something that will always happen....even years down the road. In 5 years when we look out the window on the first day of school and see all the little ones walking to school I'm sure it will still hit us.
The waiter brought us our food and asks me to cut into my steak, I cant even look at him because the tears are just rolling down my face. He walks away and I can't help but to chuckle because he has no clue to why I'm crying but I feel silly because he probably thinks I'm insane. Nicholas looks at me and says, "so this is our life from now on huh??" As we both are tearing up. The entire time all I could think of was wishing we could afford to buy this family their meal or wish I had a small toy to share with the little girl...she made my day as I dreamed of my little Miranda. The tears aren't depressed tears when this happens. People cannot make me cry...it just happens! I dont even know how to explain it but I just have to wonder how we were chosen to fill these shoes in this life??? Something I will never understand. And something I'm not sure I'm capable of doing, they are HUGE ugly shoes to be wearing!!!

Visit from Pastor Brad

I decided so that it all flows and makes sense I will just be adding to the past post from my journal to tell the story of the accident, as I did just last week! Because I don't think I'll ever get caught up to the correct date if I don't. So starting from here, it'll be all daily events, feelings and thoughts and Ill just post when I've added to my story for those that want to follow.

Last week we had a scheduled time for Pastor Brad to stop by to visit, but I canceled. So we rescheduled for today. It was much more needed for today anyways. On Monday I kinda went rounds with my emotions. I had to deal with the insurance company again. I'm pretty sure that in that corporate office I am nobody and they really don't care about our past 6 months, they do this all day every day, so 6 months to them is nothing.
Our goal was to have Miranda's headstone up by the one year anniversary. Something we want to do for her, as well as for us. We took great pride picking out her stone. We envisioned so much about her life, things we will do for her and with her....everything!! We had dreams for her and it all was taken from us in moments. So the one thing we can do for her yet here on earth is fill that plot with as much love and detail as possible. At holidays we not only pick out a small gift for Ashalyn but we envision what ways we can share it with Miranda as well. Her stone to us is going to be a marker that will last forever and a way for us to give her just a little of what we wish we could....so choosing her headstone just HAD to be perfect.
First, after being pressured by insurance to give them a price, we went in to look, completely not sure what to expect and not really ready. You have to choose your color, the material you want it made out of, picture, wording, size...it's just all overwhelming. And then to hear the price....we left completely depressed. So, over the next months we talked about what we want and started jotting down our "envisions" of the stone that fit her perfect! As our time missing her went on, we had more and more stories and finally came up with the perfect stone. Now to find it. We were unsatisfied with the people at the first place so we chose to look at another. The moment we walked in we knew we were in the right place and from the moment we saw the stone we knew!! And now, coming near the end of February, we should have it all set from the insurance company.....but....instead they think they can push us around. It was easy for them to tell us to get going when we werent ready, and now that our time is coming to an end to have it all set so it can be placed on the anniversary they decide its not that important....because now we're down to the time for the expense part. I WILL NOT be pushed around anymore by them, because this is super important to us...but, a month ago, they decided to stall even longer...and I just find out this on Monday.
So having a rough week it was great to get this visit today from Pastor Brad. I admire this man in so many ways. His voice is so calming and makes you feel so much more at peace in circumstances that we have had to encounter. He was by oursides all thru the night when we were getting to enjoy Miranda in our arms, he helped us understand what doctors were saying, what we'd have to go thru in the next days, he helped us with the funeral plans because we were never prepared for all those decisions, he gave the sermon at her funeral and he's been there for us since..just an amazing man. He helped me realize today that things will never be back to how they were, what others call normal. We will find a new normal in all this.
The new normal is something we are slowly coming to terms with and trying to get used to.
Our new normal:
*Spending the holidays creatively coming up with the perfect wreath or gift to walk down to the cemetary.
*Accepting the looks on peoples faces when they see you. We've definately had to get used to the fact that people look at us in pity or with a look of wanting to talk to you but afraid. We've gotten pretty good at reading those faces, so it's just easier on us both for u just to come up to us!!
*Being afraid to walk into a room filled with people because u're not sure when the tears are going to sneak up on you.
*Reenvisioning the accident moments and the what ifs that go along with it.
*Not being able to sit still, not even for a moment, because when u do, a happy day turns to a sad day because the quiet and stillness hurts
*doing, spending, and keeping busy to try and fill the void for just a moment.
*going to a resturant or out to enjoy yourselves and notice every child that walks by, espeicially those close to her age.
*accepting the change in friendships and family relationships
*and finally, realizing that life won't ever be the same, whether people understand you or not, and realizing that everyone else's life does go on, but you still will always have this grief and new normal FOREVER!!!!

People have been telling me to write down my story, write a blog, even write a book. I've been keeping a journal but just not really ready to share, thinking not many really would be interested in reading it. Today I had an old friend from Tennessee tell me I should write a blog, she's sure people would read it. She has sent me random messages that seem to come on my hardest days letting me know they are praying for us, and so are many I've never met. So she encouraged me with my writing and made me decide to bring my journal "public" I guess for others to read. If someone can get something out of this, great. I don't know how often Ill post...i cant promise anything. It'll take me quite awhile to catch up to now for its a long journal. Please note, that at first I go into detail of the parts I remember. Then I tell of Nicholas story as he tells me. I don't forget about him in all this!! He is/was my life. So, I guess here's to the inside of my journals. (When I choose to stop typing for a bit Ill continue right where I left off in the next blog, so it might seem a little backwards and the dates will not go together!)


For the past three years I had been sharing stories of Lake Avalon in Hillman, Michigan with the love of my life, Nicholas; its' beauty and childhood memories. We'd drive by the exit upon every trip up north to visit his dad and each time I'd beg him for the chance to take him there. It has always been a dream of mine to take my husband and children to this lake to enjoy its beauty together and also create many memories, as I did as a child. So, it being my birthday weekend, Nicholas asked me where I wanted to go.




Also, a holiday weekend we both had an extra day off and my parents were already headed up there to go fishing, along with my grandparents, so without hesitation I knew this would be perfect. The entire week prior I went back and forth debating whether we should go being so close to giving birth to our second daughter, Miranda. With only 3 weeks to go, we decided this would be a perfect way to relax and enjoy Ashalyn fully before her sister's arrival.







It was a cool, September morning when we packed up into my grandpa's mini van and joined my parents and grandparents on this mini, weekend fishing trip. And to make my dream come true of introducing Nicholas and Ashalyn to muhc of my childhood years. The perfect weekend: We swam. We fished. Nicholas tubed and knee boarded. We played games. We relaxed. We had several special family bonding times.







Saturday evening we sat on the end of the dock in lounge chairs with a full moon and fireworks over the water. Ashalyn fell asleep on daddy's shoulder and Miranda kicked in mommy's belly right along with the boom of the fireworks display. An absolute perfect moment, we talked and made plans for our daughters futures. We remembered Ashalyn's first fireworks experience and wondered how Miranda would enjoy them when she came. We discussed lots that we were going to do as a family, but we were never prepared for what was about to come.

We had a 300 mile journey home ahead of us, so we all buckled up and made ourselves comfortable. All getting a little hungry, we made one last stop at a McDonald's for a potty break and a quick snack. Having a few contractions I chose to switch places with Nicholas and take a nap on the back seat. After several miles I was sound asleep, but awoken by Nicholas letting out a scream. "Denver!"

Ashalyn has just dropped her sippy cup so Nicholas unbuckled to assist getting it for her. In the instant he did this he was able to see the stopped vehicles within a few feet in front of us, his reasoning behind the scream. Not sure what had just happened, I'm finding myself fighting to stay awake and hollaring for the phone. I see Nicholas, pale as can be, with blood just dripping from the side of his face, fighting as hard as he can to break free to get to Ashalyn and I. Ashalyn is screaming in her seat, with her mouth wide open and blood gushing from her mouth. My grandfather and grandmother both unconscious.

I look down and I notice a definate break in my arm but feel no pain. I try to stand but cannot move from my knees off the floor of the mini-van. Than I am reminded of our unborn baby in my belly....we have to get help I remember thinking. But how? It seemed like we were in the middle of nowhere and neither Nicholas or I were able to get to the cell phone. I had no idea where we were and remember thinking no one was going to find us. But within seconds there were people there, 2 especially that my family will never forget.

The bystanders were trying to keep us calm and tell us help is on the way, but I look up to see the van smoking. I beg for them to help us out before it starts on fire, so they grab Ashalyn's entire car seat and take her up out of the van to safety. At this point now I cant see her and I'm crying for them to bring her into my sight. Now I can see Ashalyn, but remember I'm slowly starting to fade, so before I do I want to ask about my baby. "What about my baby? How is she?"

The girl at the top of the hill tries to calm me, "She's okay. She's right here, we have her and trying to keep her outta the rain." She was such a pretty girl and I'll never forget her sweetness, but at that point I was frustrated and I argued with her. "I'm talking about the baby in my belly." I think the look on the guys face who was trying to calm me said it all at that point. All the sudden I hear them saying, "We have a pregnant lady. We need to get her help NOW!" They were talking to me trying to keep me awake. Vaguely I hear sirens, but they seemed so distant. Within seconds it seemed liek a whole group of hunters we're coming to our rescue. Later, I was told not a single guy there was in camaflouge. That's how out of it I was.

About that quick, these guys I thought were hunters are pulling me from the van and strapping me to a hard board. Pretty sure I was about to fall on my head, I ask if this is a dream. A man speaks to me, seems like it was the slowest speaking man I've ever listened to and says, "I wish I could tell you it was mam, but you have been in a bad car accident." In the next minute I hear people yelling for help. They were trying to climb a steep hill to get me out of the ditch. "I'm slipping." "This rain isn't helping us." "We need more help." "Together, we gotta get her up this ditch." Pretty sure I'm at a 90 degree angle about to fall on my head I try to remain calm because the pain of the board just hurts. Every bump and slip from the rain caused more pain. Finally I'm up and they lift me into the ambulance with Ashalyn to get me out of the rain and to wait for lifeflight.

Ashalyn was in the ambulance at my head. My poor little girl was screaming and scared and all I wanted to do was hold her and make it all go away. But, I couldnt, I could move and I felt helpless, like a failure of a mother and a failure of a wife. I left on life flight not even knowing if my husband made it out alive. It was the worst thought of my life. On the lifeflight ride I cried. I begged that they not call children's services on me for leaving Ashalyn behind with strangers. I treid to pray but just could not find the words.

I was told that Ashalyn and Nicholas were on their way together on another lifeflight and we'd all be at the same hospital together. That was a huge relief. Then I was told they had a heart beat of 142 for the baby; the next huge relief. That was the moment I thought we'd be okay. We were goingt o be a pretty banged up family but our family was going to be together.

We were in the trauma room at St Vs where they were evauluating all our broken bones and cuts. I had people on all sides of me, poking and proding, but my eyes remained solely on one lady, the ultrasound tech. The look on her face will never leave my mind. That was the exact moment that I knew my baby girl left me to be in the arms of Jesus. They didnt have to tell me, I just knew. I couldnt cry because I still held out hope. I prayed and begged that I wasnt right.

Soon I was being wheeled in for a cat scan. The entire catscan I'm reliving the look on her face and not even realizing if I was pregnant we wouldnt be doing a catscan. That didn't dawn on me once. I was in to much pain from them moving me from stretcher to board to bed to whatever else I was moved to. I remember going into the tunnel and praying. My prayer was, "God, I just have a feeling you're holding my little angel. Protect her for me." But I still was holding my breath it was all a dream. After the scan was all done I looked to the lady doing my catscan and said, "do you have any info on my baby." She had to of known, they wouldnt have sent me for a catscan if I was pregnant, but all she could say, "they don't tell me those things."

Now I'm watching ceiling tiles go by and being wheeled down another hallway. I see a state trooper out of the corner of my eye, his hat off his head and by his chest. Finally I'm in a room, it didnt feel like much of a room, dull and machines all behind me. I'm in a neck brace so all I can do is look up and whatever moving my eyes will allow me to see. But shortly a man, that I will never forget, comes in. He seemed like a sweet man, but I dispise him to this day. He tells me how sorry he is but there was no fetal movements and they would be going in soon to operate. I even remember asking him, "is there still a chance she'll be alive?" And with the saddest, sweetest look he could have he nods his head and says, "I'm sorry."

Life is not fair and the person I needed by my side the most was off being treated for his injuries as well. I could have used Ashalyn's smile but she too was being treated. It was the worst experience a parent should NEVER have to go through, especially alone. I wanted to stant up and run to Nicholas and Ashalyn because I know they were getting the news as well but I had no clue where they even were at this point. It absolutely sucked.

I don't remember exactly when it was that Nicholas and I were brought into the same room together in the intensive care unit, but I do remember at one point reaching my arm out for his hand and we was there. We couldnt see each other because we were both flat on our backs with neck braces. We couldnt turn side to side to really even see who was there. But there was one moment that seemed so heavenly. The lights in the room seemed so dull but everything seemed to have a special glow to it. That was the moment they placed my sweet Miranda in my arms. I was beaten to crap and everything seemed so perfect and so beautiful for those few short minutes. Almost as if Miranda was giving me just a glimpse of what she was getting to enjoy in heaven.

moving!!

So, I'm still not any good at keeping this updated regularly, but maybe now that I'm no longer doing the whole social blogging of facebook and myspace I'll get better at this. We will see. Honestly, I don't have a whole lot of new to report on pregnancy number 2. I haven't been near as sick and feel pretty good for the most part. I've had a few days, but nothing like I did with pregnancy 1. With this one sometimes I wonder if the blood tests and urine sample was just a fluke and misread. The great thing about this, it has allowed me to continue giving my full attention to playing with Ashalyn, reading to her, and just enjoying her right now! She is getting so big. She has a tooth now, sitting on her own, trying to feed herself (sometimes this is a little frustrating because when u go to feed her she tries ripping the spoon outta your hand!!) and has the military crawl down pretty good. now if we can just get her to lift her tummy off the floor.

In the next few weeks, things are going to change drastically for us. We will be going from a one bedroom apartment to a 4 bedroom house, with a finished basement. We aren't going to know what to do with all our room. We are super excited about that, but sad at the same time. We are very saddened by the fact that the house we are moving into is going to be vaccant because our niece and nephews (and my sister and brother in law) are moving ALL THE WAY to florida. It makes me tear up thinking about it. They all seem to be pretty excited about the changes that will be taking place in their lives though, so it makes it a little easier!! WE ARE JUST GOING TO MISS THEM LIKE CRAZY!!!!!

I have a huge list of things I am looking forward to though.
1) Ashalyn will have her own bedroom. I'm hoping this helps with the nights going a little better.
2) Nicholas and I will have our own bedroom. We love having Ashalyn there by us. Her snoring is just the cutest, but we do miss getting to wake up and just lay there and talk in the morning. Right now, we worry about waking her prematurely.
3) We are going to have lots more privacy out in the country.
4) the jacuzzi
5) all hard wood floors
6) a big kitchen.....it'll be so much easier to cook good meals!!!
7) entertaining....right now, its almost embarrassing inviting friends over because there's just NO ROOM!
8) everything will have a place....instead of where ever there is room!! and half in my parents basement, my mother in laws garage, our vehicles, etc.
9) big yard for summertime with Ashalyn
10) a garage for winter time!!!
11).....well, the list could go on, but I will stop now!!!

This is going to be great for us!! We are really looking forward to moving next week, but still so sad to say good-bye!!! A great excuse for a family vacation to florida tho!!!