For the past 2 weeks I have been scared to death for my 16 week check up! It was at 15 that we received the news that Briley had passed, so as you can imagine we were holding our breath. I remember at Briley's appointment before listening to the heartbeat the nurse asking if I had felt movement yet and the answer was no. This time, with this pregnancy, the answer again was no. And I paniced, matter of fact I had been panicing for weeks now.
I am pretty sure I felt small little pops in my stomach, but I refused to let myself believe that it might be the baby. I guess in all reality, it was because of fear. I tried so hard not getting my hopes up, so I second guessed everything. Well, at the visit, we got a very VERY strong heartbeat. YAY GOD!!!!
However, we did get some news that was a bit discouraging and could definately use some prayers. Throughout all this I have developed an infection in my body and I will have to go on a prescription antibiotic for it. The side effects of the prescription could cause harm to the baby (smaller chances the way it sounds) but if I DO NOT take it, the infection can cause death of the fetus, resulting in either a miscarriage or later down the road a stillbirth if it gets too bad. (the odds for this are much much higher I guess) So after praying Nicholas and I chose to take the smaller odds and take the prescription to rid my body of the bacteria. This is where we could use prayer! Thank you to all our prayer warriors during this scary, but yet exciting adventure of another pregnancy!!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
"Are you sure you can do that?"
So, a few times over the courses of the months we have had people as us the same question over and over? And we finally have had the heart to explain why we chose the foster to adopt path verses the private adoption.
I have been tearing myself up wondering if we are doing the right thing. Last few times at church I have left church nearly in tears because different people, pastors, friends, etc ask us..."you know that Adriel (the agency we are going through) is foster to adopt right?" Part of me got angry at first, not understanding why it mattered. Then I began to think, what is the big deal and why can't you just be supportive of our decision. But with the training we have been undergoing I can honestly now look at these people when they ask and say, "yes, we do understand and we do know what we are doing and WE DO feel this is where we are being led."
Just this past week one of our faithful friends, someone we used as a referance for our adoption, came to Nicholas and said, "Do you really think you can let the children go? In a sense it's like a death of your children."
So....I'm here to try and explain this to our faithful readers and prayer warriers. We understand if a child is brought into our home for months, maybe even years, there is a chance that we will not get to adopt them. That they will be reunited with their birth parents. And i am sure that will hurt once we are attached. But let me try to explain!
Just this past training we had, we heard the story of a dad that used his children as target practice in the living room. The children came into foster care with lumps all over their body only to find little bbs impelted into their skin. So we can look at them leaving our home to go back to their family or another foster family as a death, like this dear friend said....or we can look at it as, saving a child's life while the parents get the treatment they need to make themselves "better" to better care for their children. Yes, we could in turn hurt when saying goodbye again, but the difference to us....that child didn't die. That child still is very much alive on this earth, maybe with the feeling of wanting to die, but aren't able to protect themselves. As parents, no matter how hard we tried, we were unable to protect Miranda and Briley. And we had SOOOOO much love to give them. I still long for that physical love all the time. I still would love to give her the biggest hug and kiss and hold her on my chest as she falls asleep. But I can't. And it saddens me to no end knowing their are children out there, alive in this world...that have NO IDEA what parental love is, nor a hug for that matter.
Yes, we do understand the trials that can come with being a "foster parent" but we have NO DOUBT in our mind that this is where God is calling us to be at this point in our lives. We have taken a few remarks from people that have hurt. We keep hearing, "maybe you should talk to so and so because they didnt have a good experience with foster care/adoption." Honestly, there are times we have come home and we look at each other and say, "so did you feel like we were being looked down upon for this decision?" So, we would like to express a HUGE thank you to all our true friends and family that have supported us in this decision!! I can say WITHOUT a doubt in my mind, that we are ready for all that this has to bring us. We are aware of the late night runaways and the vulgarity that might come with it (that's what our trainings have been informing us of) and we are also aware of the fact that the day might come that we will have to say good bye when we thought they would be a part of our family forever. We are aware of all the labels foster parents have. (where they lock them in cages, starve them and rape them) Nicholas and I aren't those people and we are making this decison based upon prayer and the support that we do have! We are also aware of life's tragic moments and the importance of loving a child to the end. And if we have to say good bye to these children, they will always remain in our heart and be part of our eternal family. And our reward for caring for these children couldnt be greater...........eternal love from our Father who didnt neglect us when we lived in fear and death of our child!
And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.
Matthew 18:5
I have been tearing myself up wondering if we are doing the right thing. Last few times at church I have left church nearly in tears because different people, pastors, friends, etc ask us..."you know that Adriel (the agency we are going through) is foster to adopt right?" Part of me got angry at first, not understanding why it mattered. Then I began to think, what is the big deal and why can't you just be supportive of our decision. But with the training we have been undergoing I can honestly now look at these people when they ask and say, "yes, we do understand and we do know what we are doing and WE DO feel this is where we are being led."
Just this past week one of our faithful friends, someone we used as a referance for our adoption, came to Nicholas and said, "Do you really think you can let the children go? In a sense it's like a death of your children."
So....I'm here to try and explain this to our faithful readers and prayer warriers. We understand if a child is brought into our home for months, maybe even years, there is a chance that we will not get to adopt them. That they will be reunited with their birth parents. And i am sure that will hurt once we are attached. But let me try to explain!
Just this past training we had, we heard the story of a dad that used his children as target practice in the living room. The children came into foster care with lumps all over their body only to find little bbs impelted into their skin. So we can look at them leaving our home to go back to their family or another foster family as a death, like this dear friend said....or we can look at it as, saving a child's life while the parents get the treatment they need to make themselves "better" to better care for their children. Yes, we could in turn hurt when saying goodbye again, but the difference to us....that child didn't die. That child still is very much alive on this earth, maybe with the feeling of wanting to die, but aren't able to protect themselves. As parents, no matter how hard we tried, we were unable to protect Miranda and Briley. And we had SOOOOO much love to give them. I still long for that physical love all the time. I still would love to give her the biggest hug and kiss and hold her on my chest as she falls asleep. But I can't. And it saddens me to no end knowing their are children out there, alive in this world...that have NO IDEA what parental love is, nor a hug for that matter.
Yes, we do understand the trials that can come with being a "foster parent" but we have NO DOUBT in our mind that this is where God is calling us to be at this point in our lives. We have taken a few remarks from people that have hurt. We keep hearing, "maybe you should talk to so and so because they didnt have a good experience with foster care/adoption." Honestly, there are times we have come home and we look at each other and say, "so did you feel like we were being looked down upon for this decision?" So, we would like to express a HUGE thank you to all our true friends and family that have supported us in this decision!! I can say WITHOUT a doubt in my mind, that we are ready for all that this has to bring us. We are aware of the late night runaways and the vulgarity that might come with it (that's what our trainings have been informing us of) and we are also aware of the fact that the day might come that we will have to say good bye when we thought they would be a part of our family forever. We are aware of all the labels foster parents have. (where they lock them in cages, starve them and rape them) Nicholas and I aren't those people and we are making this decison based upon prayer and the support that we do have! We are also aware of life's tragic moments and the importance of loving a child to the end. And if we have to say good bye to these children, they will always remain in our heart and be part of our eternal family. And our reward for caring for these children couldnt be greater...........eternal love from our Father who didnt neglect us when we lived in fear and death of our child!
And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.
Matthew 18:5
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Our sweet Miranda
