God's story

I have heard more than I want to hear, "there is a reason for all of this".

Now I do believe all things happen for a reason, but when you are going through life day by day not sure how things will affect you, things people say, peoples reactions to you etc. Sometimes it's hard to put together that the things you HAVE to go through really do have a reason and it's definately hard to understand when you're on the not so fun side of it.....but here is my story for today.

I was a little hesitant about taking Ashalyn to the nursery class while Bible School was going on. All her friends that I watch were going to be at my house and she just LOVES playing with them...so why take her away from that I thought?! So we went Monday as a trial run...and she did great (at least that's what they tell me). She has been going to the worship and drama with the big kids, they painted backpacks, etc. Yesterday when I said "You ready to go Ashalyn." She raised her arms in the air and said, "yea!!! chool (school)" and she ran with me out the door. She was so excited. Yesterday while driving I looked in my mirror to see my sweet little girl with her hands up by her face doing some motions to a song they learned and she was mumbling all kinds of jibberish words, but I'm convinced she was singing the song (maybe not the correct words) but it was just too adorable. And then...there's a teacher in there. Ashalyn and her for some reason just clicked. She's new to our church and Ashalyn just loved her. Everytime I go to pick her up Ashalyn's next to her, playing with her, or holding her hand when they walk to the sanctuary for singing.
Now, I have been doing something that may make me a bad mother, but when she is so willing to go in and play I quickly take off...don't want to stick around talking to the teachers to give her time to change her mind about going in there. I know the ladies name, but did not take the time to say much more than what needed to be said to give her the idea of what Ashalyn would need for the day. Today as I was picking up Ashalyn I had my niece in there with me and the teacher says to her, "is Ashalyn your sister?" I politely explained that "no, these are my sister's children." Then she goes on to say, "is she your only child?" And with that, other teachers distracted our conversation...one talking to me and the other talking to her. I overheard the conversation of..."I'll explain later." So, not wanting to make her feel awkward or even bad for asking I continued my conversation with the one and I walked out and left for the day.
Not because I didn't want to talk about it, matter of fact, I'd LOVE to talk about my other children. But because it does put many people in an awkward situation. So I walked out and let that whole conversation go. I let the other teachers explain my situation for me. We are getting ready to walk out the door of the church and she comes up to me and says, "I am so sorry about your daughter." She didn't apologize for asking but she apologized for Miranda. She then went on to say, "I know how hard that question is to answer. I too lost an unborn baby and a toddler in a car accident 6 years ago."
There was a reason her and Ashalyn were so "close" throughout this week....and just when I'm feeling a little out of place, where it's hard to relate to people (mom's specifically) on certain levels...I'm reminded there are people who unfortunately do get me, do understand, and do care enough to say Miranda's name! I can't express enough how much she means to me this week and how awesome our God is to know where our needs are and He meets those needs in some of the neatest ways.
And here I thought I was Bible School superintendant for the kids.....but come to find out God used that ministry to touch me!!!!

too busy to blog

Okay, I think I can say honestly that I have been too busy to blog this week. Since about November I have been busy planning our summer Bible School. It seems like there were spurts of when the planning got busy but the last few weeks have been intense...since this week is the big week. So far I am very pleased with our turnout...140 students today! PRAISE GOD!!
Not only is it Bible school, but in 2 weeks is Pettisville Friendship days. We are in charge of concessions for that, so also lots of work, that I am way behind in...one day at a time. And to top that off...in a few days we will have the keys to the house, where I will begin repainting all the rooms. I feel extremely drained right now and am ready for a full day with Nicholas and Ashalyn, where I can devote myself entirely to them. Nicholas and I need a night out to ourselves....the last few nights and days were completely devoted to being at the church. And tonight, I guess you can say we had a date.....if paying a babysitter for us to go to our attorney for legal advice with the accident settlement counts.
While there discussing all this I realized how far Nicholas and I have come, but yet how far we have to go yet. First, mostly there's still some anger, with the adjusters. I hate (yes, i dont say hate often) but I hate being pushed around by the adjuster. I may be younger than most people going through this....but I'm NOT STUPID! But we also realize how fresh the thought of "buryin' our dead child" (when they use that term it hits ya hard) is....even 9 months later. Those words brought tears to both of our eyes tonight. I can see where many would believe that since we are into the adoption process that we are "healed" emotionally. That is the biggest myth out there. Nicholas and I are doing well....fewer bad days and more good days....but that doesn't change how much we miss Miranda. We keep ourselves busy for that exact reason...but when we slow life down a little and discuss what we remember or talk about Miranda in the ways we have to at times....it brings back tears, hurt, every emotion possible basically.
Then you read facebook and other blogs....it still hurts. So many of our friends/acquiantances remark on facebook how "awful" their kids are or how they can't wait for the rain to stop so they can send the kids outside and out of their hair, or how they don't realize what they do have at the moment even if it's not perfect. Still so badly those are the things that sting. I dont mean to be selfish, but I just wish so badly that people would live for the moment with their kids...bring on the rain so I can take my two little girls and dance in it, run through puddles, and just all laugh together...I don't show it but those things still hurt....yes 9 months is a long time and it should be getting easier, but there's not a day that goes by where there isnt a thought of her or of the accident. I teared up today talking to our pastor because it's the legal things that make this so much more difficult....but then when talking about the legal things is when I'm reminded of EVERYTHING and how difficult it really is. I know I'm talking in circles right now, but honestly I cant even grab ahold of this spinning world right now.....I LOVE THE BUSY-NESS, HATE THE STILLNESS, but LOVE the stillness with my family and HATE the busy-ness (if that makes any sense to any of you!) I am so grateful for all the things that keep me busy, but live for the moments with my family that allow us to hold on to the moments we have with each other. 9 months ago yesterday I held my baby girl for the first time, 9 months ago today I held that same angel for the last time (here on earth).

:-) our next journey begins

Once before we got married Nicholas and I talked about some things that we wanted to do in life. One of them we both were able to agree to, but the time frame for it and the nitty little details needed to be agreed upon...there was a little conflict. We wanted to wait until our own children were more grown up to understand the whole thing. After Ashalyn was born we talked more of it and decided to wait even longer. Then the accident happened and in December we talked about it again. We even met with persons to discuss this journey. Then we found ourselves pregnant with Briley and we decided on our own without praying that we still wanted to hold off on this option. Then we had our 15 week checkup (at 17 weeks) and were given some more bad news of our baby no longer living. Now we had been doing some reading and listening to the diagnoses of the doctors and we learned of possible risks of future pregnancies. I have an abnormally misshaped uterus from everything my body has encountered, which could be the reasoning behind Briley not developing into a healthy living baby. So we were devestated to hear that this could possibly affect future pregnancies. So given all this information it became very evident to us that maybe, just maybe, now was our time. So something we have been praying about for months now is adoption. We are not giving up on us having more of our own biological children at this point, but we strongly feel led to the journey of adoption at this time. We have started the process and we have a date for our home study and Nicholas and I could not be more connected to this baby already. Yes, we understand it could be months, maybe even years til we get "our child" but we pray regularly now. We have tears of joy very often and we dream of our life with our baby. The thoughts of this baby consume much of our mind these days and we cannot wait for it all to unfold entirely. Now this is not how we EVER envisioned the adoption to play out when we talked about it after Ashalyn was born...we pictured the adoption years after all our biological children were born and they were old enough to understand why we chose to do this. Also with that we envisioned ALL our children living at home to be part of this journey with us here on Earth. We've had several times where the thought has crossed our mind but without praying we followed our plan in it all and kept pushing it to the back burner, because we weren't "old" enough yet. But, it has continued to tug at our hearts. And "adoption" has crowded billboards and tv commercials and tv shows. It was thrown in our face constantly it seemed....almost like a "hello Valerie and Nicholas...this is God!! Wake up and Listen!" So we began to pray and we strongly feel now is the time. It's time for Ashalyn to have a sibling that she can play with, not just one that she can visit at the grave or in pictures. It feels like we have so much extra love to give because we've been preparing for so long to bring another baby into our lives. And we understand that there are so many out there that are in need of that love from a mother and a father. And we feel this is our way we are supposed to give. We truly wish I was still pregnant with Briley and we really wish Miranda was here to start this journey with us. That is one thing we will NEVER understand while we are here, but we are starting to the work of Miranda's miracle and the life God has for us here.
I journaled my entire pregnancy with Ashalyn in a paper bound notebook and it is our plan to blog our adoption process. Not so much for everyone else but for us, our baby, and for us to connect with other families going through the same process. And with this, we hope people find the desire to pray for us. It's going to be a long process, as well as an emotional journey, as we wait and as we make the decisions as to which baby is right for us, which baby fits into our family and as we connect with the families that we will encounter.
As I said, we are NOT giving up on the idea of more biological children, but that is something we are leaving in the hands of God. He knows what we can emotionally handle and what His plans are for our lives. But until then...now is our time to walk in the journey of adoption. So, this is how we will pray...and how we invite you all to pray for us.
*for the birthparents- as they conceive and carry our baby, the tough decision they need to make as they choose what will be best for their child, as they search prospective adoptive family profiles and they find the adoptive family they feel is the best fit, for the birth mom to refrain from drug and alcohol abuse while carrying the precious child
*financial aspect- already we have paid some of the adoption expenses and know there are MANY many more dollars to be paid. We pray that the finances will come when needed, whether it be through grants or extra hours of work
*for us- as we wait patiently. Already we think about our baby day and night and have had several conversations about our curiousity in our baby, gender, race, name, etc. As we continue to parent and love Ashalyn and remember our two children in Heaven. Our attitudes towards the birth parent as we try to imagine our lives in their shoes and as we are ever so grateful for the decision they will be making. As well as our attitude toward life and cutting out the areas that we have to in order to make this happen financially. And as we continue to pray for God's direction and guidance!
*for Ashalyn- as she learns now sharing, playing, just the keys to being a sibling.
*for our families- as tehy prepare to walk this journey with us. That when it's time they will have the heart to accept this baby as our own and that they understand the time we will have to put lots of time into our classes, etc.
*and for "our baby"- all aspects. Health. Conception (if it hasn't already happened) Protection from anything (drugs, abuse, neglect, emotional hurt etc.) and an open heart to a new family (something they might not understand right away)

And with that...PLEASE join us on this new adventure. Our journey of hope, love and excitement! Join us with love and prayer as we encounter the next phases of life here on earth as a family!!!

SHOUTING TO THE MOUNTAIN TOPS!

We have been tugged in lots of directions over the course of the last year...but something that keeps tugging at our hearts is something that was discussed prior to this year and keeps coming at us! And NOW is the time. We have been in the process of a new adventure and journey and now it is happening!! We believe it is all part of Miranda's miracle, something we still believe we could have done if she was with us and wish we could do with her...but it's a dream coming true and unraveling as I type! And it now consumes our thoughts and our mind and we are ready to SHOUT IT TO THE MOUNTAIN TOPS!! Revealing it to our family this weekend and then we will be free to share with anyone our hearts desire!!! And I've gotten so much better with the blogging and I cannot wait to blog this journey!!! So if u're interested in what lies ahead...please please check back in with us after this weekend!!!
But until then, if you feel led to pray for us over the next few days and weeks...we'd love for all the prayers we can get! Not only pray for us, but for others that will be influenced by what we are doing, 3 ppl in particular...God knows!!

It has arrived!

AND WE LOVE IT!!!!

Summer Grillin' = Once a month cookin'!

Since it was rainy this morning and our zoo plans with friends were canceled I decided to do my once a month cooking today. This summer is going to be extremely busy for us so the quicker we can prepare meals the better. Also we are moving to a house with no AC so the littlest we have to use the stove the better; especially for the sake of my husband. He is definately a hot box and cannot stand the hot weather/heat. And we both LOVE being outside and grillin'. So here is a look into my morning.

7:00 woke up to head to the grocery store. Got home and instantly got to work. Ashalyn insisted in helping mommy, so I didn't get as much done as I had planned but this made it much more fun and meaningful!! I wouldn't have it any other way!!! Since Ashalyn was helping Nicholas even helped to brown the hamburger and do dishes!! WOW!!! I'm the luckiest!!!



So, while he did all 7 lbs of hamburger Ashalyn and I chopped green onions, green peppers, onions and red pepper. (Ashalyn got a butter knife and only the green onions)With that we made our stuffed peppers and steak and shrimp kabobs. 2-3 meals with stuffed peppers and 5 meals of kabobs. We got 10 freezer boxes of ground beef 3 taco meat and the rest hamburger for spaghetti and enchilladas and sloppy joes.






Next, I did 5 meals of chicken. 1 Italian Chicken, 2 Stuffed Mozzarella and Buffalo Chicken, 2 Chicken Cordon Bleu. While all this was happening we had banana's freezing on sticks in the freezer to dip for banana pops. And now I have zuchinni cookies and chocolate chip zuchinni bread baking in the oven. And lastly blueberry muffins.





I wasnt sure how this would go but it was a SUPER fun experience and I definately plan on doing it again! Now, I look forward to eating at home. Not really even thinkin' about going out to eat!!! So not only are we going to be saving lots of time, but HOPEFULLY lots of money on eating in more!!!

Can you really get all that stuff that cheap?

So, after my last post I got an email on facebook. (I had several ppl message me, but this one stuck out) The email said, "did you really get all that stuff for that cheap?" Well, yes I did. So like I said, if you have an hour or two in your week to sit down, look at the ads, make a list and find the coupons it's worth your time. But to show this person that it can be done, here's a look into my shopping trip tonight.

I took the time to go thru the Meijer ad and find items that I knew I would use that were onsale. Then I went through my coupons I collected from the Blade over the past. Then on top of that I use www.coupons.com, www.couponing101.com and www.meijermealbox.com. So with this shopping trip I got...

*box of guaze (Free)
*Kid's Neosporin
*2 pkg of Oscar Meyer Hotdogs (2/$0.98)
*Loaf of Aunt Millie bread ($0.79)
*Aunt Millie hot dog buns ($0.79)
*big box Velveeta Cheese
*cupcake papers ($0.66)
*tub of country crock margarine ($0.89)
*4 boxes of Orville Popcorn (0.69/box)
*Reynolds Wrap Foil
*Chicken Fries
*Kraft Italian dressing ($0.89)
*Meijer 12 pack Bottled Water (free)
*3 boxes Crystal Light Fitness ($0.33 a piece)
*10 yoplait yogurts ($1.20)
*2 Hillshire Smoked Sausage ($1.00)
*1 shredded cheese
*Scrubbing Bubbles automatic shower cleaner (I made $2.01 off this product. Onsale
for $12.99, I had a $10 off coupon, plus stacked a $5.00 off coupon on top. got it FREE plus $2.01 towards the rest of my purchase.)
*2 Taco Seasoning mix (made $0.48)
*Kit Kat (Ashalyn picked out...not on sale!)
*Cheerios
*Bologna
*Pledge
*Milk
*1 box ziplock freezer bags


Total amount I paid = $41.10
Total Coupon Savings = $63.77

So yes, it is possible to get all that for that cheap!!!! And that's why I recommend couponing!