high and low light of my day

I am in tears tonight. It's been one of those emotional rollercoaster days. We were blessed tonight in a way I cant even explain. I asked on facebook if anyone had a set of bunk beds they wanted to SELL....and within minutes got a phone call....someone had some to give us because they knew they'd be used for good cause.....well....I admit...I was a little skeptical...someone's GIVING AWAY bunkbeds? Boy, did I stick my thoughts in my mouth.....these bunk beds are brand spankin' new. New mattresses and even a dresser. We are so blessed and grateful for these beds. It brings tears to even think about it. And then they even had people here to help deliver and set them up for us. They don't know how special they are to us for thinkin' of us in this way.

And then shortly after that there was a down moment....I look at my husband trying to go up the stairs and his face just read severe pain. All along in the back of my mind I know when he says he's feeling fine he's really not...but i thought he'd tell me when he was in pain. Well tonight he admits to me (i think because i caught him) how much pain he still is in. he refuses pain medicine and refuses to admit the physical pain because he says he wants to believe his leg will get better....but tonight he admitted he thinks it will always hurts and he's just trying to accept it. I see him daily stop mid track to refocus on walking. I see him cringe at the site of stairs. It just breaks my heart that he still has to go through all this physical pain, but feels the need to be strong for Ashalyn and I. So tonight I tear up for him....because i love him and care...and HATE seeing him this way. So if you have a minute...please please say a prayer for him after you read this. The pain isn't residing much (he probably will never tell you that!) and since he's been back to work it has seem to get worse. I don't believe him standing on concrete all day has been good for him. My heart just breaks to hear him talk the way he did tonight. So please please continue to keep him in your prayers!! Thanks for all the prayers thus far!! We are blessed by some great prayer warriors and are ever so grateful!!

pure exhaustion has set in

wow! That's really all I can say. I truely have learned what it means to be exhausted. I dont recall feeling this way before EVER and not had an excuse. I remember being this tired when I was pregnant with Ashalyn, but now I am just worn out...no reason really, other than a busy schedule.
In the past week, we've moved, went on vacation, getting ready for our fundraising garage sale, and painted, decorated and started to tackle the weeds in the flower beds. My house is still trashed and I have boxes left unpacked everywhere. I am beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed....EXHAUSTED!
Also, we both have been to the doctors this past week. GREAT NEWS for me, NOT SO GREAT FOR NICHOLAS. Unfortunately Nicholas' leg still has not healed. He broke his femur in 3 pieces and the small middle piece was crushed...so that's what is taking so long to heal. The orthopedic surgeon is giving him 3 months yet for it to heal or another surgery will be needed to place a bigger nail in it. As for my news...I went to the OBGYN in Toledo and he did another ultrasound of my female organs and he says "everything appears to be making a good return to normal and has begun to heal." He did give us the okay to try again if we'd like, but he also said more time wouldnt be a bad thing either. He cannot promise anything at this point, but he does believe that I could have a healthy pregnancy yet. I had two of them up til the accident so he believes it is possible but doesn't bring me out of the woods as far as not being high risk for future complications. Right now we are relying on faith and prayer.
BY NO MEANS does this change our mind on adoption. We are set that this is where we are to be and part of the bigger plan in our life. We cannot wait to meet our child, birth family, etc. And if God has more plans on top of that with us having another biological baby than we will go with it....but it will NOT change our adoption status.
However, there is one thing that has changed. Financially the $16,000 is harder to come up with than we expected so well we raise that money we will be doing the training and licensing for foster care. Maybe then we will meet our child in that process and we will go about that route and use the money saved to buy new bed, clothes, etc for him/her. We are so ready to make this dream a reality and to help give love and a home to children that need it that we are NOT going to let the money aspect get in the way. For now we are going to foster or maybe even foster to adopt and continue to raise the money needed for the private agency!
And finally, one last thing...I LOVE OUR HOUSE! It's almost like a new beginning for our life. We will NEVER forget our past, our sweet children, the accident. NONE OF IT! But we come into this house fresh. Where we can start our life here on earth with a new beginning sort of. We can remember Miranda and Briley and happy moments. We can leave the constant reminder of death (being right across from the cemetary)and remember the times she kicked us or when we held her in our arms. It's hard to explain without sounding like we are moving on...because we aren't really. We are trying to find ways to still be happy with the life we are given but in a more positive way if that makes any sense.
This post is very scatterbrained...but it's been a while and LOTS going on in our little world I guess!! Hope you all enjoyed your forth! I'm off to bed before I fall asleep here at the computer! Good night all!

flashback

I dont even know what to say today. It's been a pretty crazy and busy weekend. We had some big responsibilities at our community park fundraiser and we were there about 99% of the time. We were most excited about life flight landing for the kids to peek in...but not just the kids, we were determined to check it out.
I was getting the bird feeder ready for sno cones when I heard it flying over head...the sound of it thrilled me. I was anxious to go meet the crew and thank them. And to see the inside all around me, not just the ceiling from the board in my neck brace. So I started over there to the track and called Nick to tell him they were landing. I headed up over the hill and there it was.......

I FROZE.

AND STARED.

And FOUGHT BACK TEARS.

I hesitated.

And I proceded forward.

Noticed many people around watching me with looks of sadness.

And I couldnt do it.

A FLASHBACK...I was leaving on life flight WITHOUT Nicholas and Ashalyn, begging them to spare their lives and feeling like the worst mother and wife EVER!!

So, i stopped in my tracks and pulled out my cellphone. And i told Nicholas to come immediately I needed him and Ashalyn there to make this trek up there.

So, i stood all alone and waited.

And another flashback...a heartbeat 142.

The life flight in front of me today was the EXACT lifeflight I last heard my baby's heartbeat on.

ANd the tears began to whell up in my eyes...and a friend from the community came up and just hugged me and she cried with me. Then Nick showed and we cried together. And they got a call...so we didnt get to meet them. We didnt get to see inside. But I'm not sure I was ready...or even wanted to. It's a hard thing, that snuck up on us, that we thought would be easy. Who would of ever thought the words "THANK YOU" would be so hard??!! Will the sound of life flight so distant always make us cringe? And will the flashbacks fade with time as we encounter many of these things that remind us of the accident and of our dear children?

I admit, it has gotten easier. But it'd never gonna be gone. We have fewer bad days...but when those days come, they are horrible. The images are terrifying. And the nightmare becomes fresh again. I hold onto the good memories but will never forget the bad.

And by being part of friendship days is just a little bit of a way to say thank you to this AMAZING community we are a part of. Thank you to everyone that asks how we are and to everyone that pulled together to help us out in this time of need. For the prayers and continued support...but mostly a SPECIAL THANK YOU to that special friend today that noticed me frozen in my steps fighting back the tears, that took the time to come hug me and say it's okay to cry...we love you!!

a sight to see

Today's story has nothing to do with the adoption, nor does it have to do with our story...it's a story that I just had to write down for Ashalyn some day....and yes, some day she will probably kill me for sharing this...

Today as I was putting all the children down for nap...I looked to Ashalyn and said, "Can you go get your blanket and go lay down?" I then finish putting the little ones down that I watch and go to check on Ashalyn.
There she is, middle of the living room floor with her blanket and she is fast asleep. With just her shirt on. And her blanket over her body...her bare butt up in the air...and snoring!
First, she must of been exhausted because it was literally a minute before I told her to go get her blanket. And 2nd...I hope real soon she gets past this wanting to be naked stage...and 3rd...I couldn't help but to laugh at her. Miss Independant and not a care in the world.
I covered her butt, but let her sleep. 2 1/2 hour nap...no diaper...and not a single accident...she woke up and said "potty". I think it's time to fully start potty training. (I can't help but wonder if that has to do with her desire lately to take off her pants and diaper). After our move it will be devoted to potty training. What a ham!

I thank God for this man!

I thank God EVERYDAY for this man! I couldn't have asked for a better husband and father to my children. He is an outstanding example to the man God created to be called a father!! I love you babe! Happy Father's Day! AND THANK YOU!!!

Also, Happy Father's day today to my dad, Wes Rupp and Nick's dad, Lowell Rice!!

Weekend Ride on an Emotional Rollarcoaster!

I had a fun weekend all planned. Thursday night we went to Sauder Village and we pitched a tent. We had a blast. Played on the big playground, swam, and then had a campfire. Nick went early to work and I spent the day with my babysitting kids at Sauder village, the park, the tent and it was sooo stinkin' hot we moved into the village. Then Nick came back, kids left and it was us. We swam, we had fun.......

and then...

an older man says to Nicholas, "you see these gray hairs? I didn't have a single one til my two boys." Nick found it humorous at first...then he says, "how many children do you have?"

"Thr.., Well I have one here with me!"

"You have three? But she's the only that came with you to the hotel?"

"yea"

"well, I've got all I can handle with these two. Three? Wow!"

And that was that! We went up to the room...and a fun weekend....became a weekend full of tears. An empty ache in my heart. We had a room that overlooked the pool and from our room we heard and could see the families all together having a blast. And I noted something that tore me up. I saw a baby, about 10 months old, sitting in his stroller abotu 10 feet back from the pool all by himself, awake and watching his mom and dad (I'm assuming) and big brother swim off in the distant...away from him, and no attention on him what so ever. Stuff like that tears me up inside. I try to avoid it, but that's the things that hurt the worst. I'm not saying they were bad parents for leaving him there strapped in his stroller....I'm just saying how much I would give to have my 10 month old in the pool with me. Or what we would give to have our children be all that we can handle and not have to encounter these questions or conversations.

I don't blame these people, they don't know. They have no way of knowing. But we spent the time in the hotel room full of tears and just wasn't a good fun time...so we packed our bags and decided we were supposed to be home for the night. We went and checked out early (we didnt even sleep in our room) but we were willing to sacrifice that to try and bring ourselves to a happy place again. I went to check out with red, puffy eyes, feeling pretty silly. And Nick went to go load the truck. Believe it or not they actually refunded us our money and it was about that quick the tornado sirens were going off and we were being sent to the basement...and being thrown into a gathering room FULL of families on vacation having the time of their lives. And then there were Nicholas and I...set back along the wall trying to avoid further conversation with many of these families for the fear of them being able to read through our smile, but puffy red faces.

And sat next to us was a family of 3 girls. Caucasion parents and African American children. There was an adoption convention being held at the Inn this weekend. Many of the people we were surrounded by were families of adopted children. How much more can God throw at us in getting the point across that all that love we are bottling up because we cant give it now will some day be possible to share!?!

We ache and we feel so empty during times like this, but then are reminded of our child that we are praying for will need all this extra love, extra attention, and extra care. But now we just need to pray for our patience. We see this is by no means a fast, quick process. We see the building blocks that we can/will encounter. And we see the emotions we will go through. We are very anxious and need patience. So today we ask for prayer for patience in this journey. Patience as we wait to bring our baby home and for a peaceful heart as we walk the journey of a broken family.

Needless to say when we were able to leave, we were already checked out, so we still came home...and we camped out in the basement together as we awaited the next storm they were calling for. We finished up a campout at home and had a blast. And we just realized that sometimes our journey gets hits rougher spots than normal but are always reminded that God is in control and he'll work out the details. We may have to pack up and remove ourselves from certain situations but He is the one that knows what/where we need to be!

Butterfly bloggers

Today I feel honored and renewed to have found a blog by butterfly mommies, anchored by hope. Mommies that also recognize what we are experiencing and still look to God in the midst. Moms that call themselves Butterfly mommies! And those that know me, know how touching and true to my life that is...and ironic I guess!! And more so...YET ANOTHER GOD STORY!!! How true is it that our God is amazing?!?!?!?!