Jesus Loves Me, this I know!!!

Let me begin my story by telling you a little of what my life consists of right now. First is the everyday things in life, work (watching 4 children besides my own), still working on settlement with insurance company, being mom (that's the best part of my life, but what keeps me most busy) and now getting donations and volunteers for friendship days and Bible school. I have been working so hard the last few weeks on preparing Bible school for over 100 children for the 2nd week of June. Behind the scene stuff I guess, preparing schedules, registration, recruiting teachers, organizing crafts and the curriculum. It's been lots of work and lots of time seeking God.
And I believe Satan is at every end trying to pull me down. The 1st night I was supposed to meet with Amanda about Bible school was the night we received the news of Briley, so I canceled. 2nd night was the night before my surgery....I thought about canceling. And then yesterday I was supposed to be at church for our kickoff to recruiting teachers in the lobby display....and I had to find a replacement for me.
Friday afternoon I had to call my dr. because of bad cramping and clotting. He prescibed me a medication but come Saturday afternoon, I was in sooooo much pain and starting to get dizzy and lightheaded. Nicholas and I debated calling 911 or him just driving me up there. I could barely walk and I was extremely faint. I finally chose to have him drive me and help me out to the truck because we already have several lifeflight bills we didnt need another ambulance one. At this point I was bleeding pretty heavy and in so much pain that the dosed me up pretty good with nubane and toradel (not sure on that spelling). I wasnt very friendly in the emergency room and I will write a letter of apology to the nurse. I still felt the pain and I was telling them I was pretty sure I was having contractions and in labor.
Finally after receiving my hemoglobin count they admitted me to 2nd floor for observation. It was within about 20 minutes of being there they gave me some morphine and I passed what my body had been trying to "labor" out of me. It was left over tissue from my surgery...so my body went into contractions trying to get it all out. It was not fun. On my way up the elevator I looked at Nicholas and I said, "Either Satan really hates me or God does."
At this point I was so frustrated with all we've been through. Just as I come to deal with it and start living my life at a happy time, it seems like the dark cloud comes back and hovers over me. As soon as I made that comment, Nicholas knew I was down because I just don't think that way usually...so he made a phone call to Pastor Brad and got people praying for us. That afternoon I was pretty discouraged, because we had family Easter plans that we'd now miss out on...and I knew I was missing the Bible school recruiting the next day as well as another easter and easter sunday at church.
But it seems like just when I get down I hear something or am somehow reminded of how awesome our God is. Sunday morning Ashalyn and Nicholas came up to visit me. They were there for about an hour, Ashalyn in my hospital bed with me and we watched cartoons together. I started getting sleeping so I asked Nicholas to run to walmart and get me a few things I needed so I could get a nap. They left and I decided to shut the tv off, but at the hospital in order to do that u have to scroll thru them all. As I was scrolling i heard "no matter how difficult your life trials are there is ALWAYS that promise of bigger and better things" So that sermon was for me and instead of napping while they were gone I listened to this sermon directed specifically to me. It was taking place at Dodger stadium so lots and lots of people, but I feel it was directly for me personally.
Our faith has definately been challenged in the last 7 months but I am so excited to say I am a Christian. I couldn't imagine this life without those promises of life getting better one day and then our eternity. I heard a saying this weekend "God gave us the promise of an eternity, so let's give Him the promise of now". So in all our struggles I still want to live my now for Him....and yes He DOES still love me!!!

progress

Tomorrow is the day that we will "lay to rest" our third child. It will be a sad day, but yet a day of closure I think. We have come to really be thankful we chose what we did. We met with the funeral home directors where Briley is...and we are not cremating our baby. That was our big concern. We were under the impression that that was our only option because of the size....but that was wrong...and cremation is what we really were hesitant about. We are very much so at peace with our decision now. We are having a private burial with just us, but it's what we feel will be best for us in our grieving process.
Nicholas had his doctor appointment again today. The doctor said his break is 95% healed, but he can quit therapy now! We were aiming for 100% but giving the fact that his femur was broke in 3 places we are happy with the progress...Nicholas was a bit discouraged though as he's still limited to what he can and cannot do yet. But I am so so proud of him and how far he has come.
As far as for us and the grieving process...I really feel that we are both doing very well. Don't get me wrong, it's still tough and we miss our children dearly, but we have finally come to feel a peace in knowing we will see them again soon!!

For God so loved the world.....

"For God loved the world so much that He gave his ONE AND ONLY son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world but to save the world through him." john 3:16-17

This verse really has been a great reminder for me over the past months and especially now that the Easter season is nearing. This verse goes to show that God's love is not self-centered, and that God's love towards each of us is an amazing example of TRUE LOVE. It amazes me so much that He loves ME so dearly that he chose his one and only son to pay the price of all my sin and then offered me a new life, a life not full of misery or a mortal life, but a life full of eternity.
Over the past few months, I've questioned my life. I've questioned the many things I've done "wrong" and wondered if my life would be different today had I not done them. But to read this verse, I realize...God's not punishing me for my sins. Many many years ago, he sent His son to die for my "wrongs" in life.
But wow, can you imagine??? My life here on earth has been so empty without one of my children here with me.....but God loves us soooo much that He went through all that I am going through without my dear child, for me, yes ME!!! I have to sit back in amazement because honestly knowing what this life is like without Miranda and now Briley I don't know that I can say I love someone that much to sacrifice Ashalyn's life to give them that they could live forever, with no death, no sickness, no pain, and no evil.
God has cried the same tears that Nicholas and I have cried and now He cries with us. But what an amazing love he has for us to send his one and only son into this world and then to die for each and everyone of us....all for the guarantee and promise that this life is not our eternal home.
You know after my surgery on Friday Nicholas and I both agreed that we'd get my tubes tied in the next month or so. We both fear now the worst in any future pregnancies...but that's just us protecting ourselves from our fears....but thinkin' about what this Easter season means.....there is one thing I fear more than anything and that's eternal condemnation. All God wants from me is for me to trust him and put my confidence in him and put Him in charge of my present life so that I can enjoy my eternal destiny with him and my 2 sweet babies in Heaven. And Ashalyn when its her time to go home as well.

I encourage everyone to remind yourself what Easter is about this year. I have nothing against the Easter bunny or egg hunts, but cherish your time with your children and make sure that they also know the real meaning behind this holiday season!!! Jesus Christ went through soooo much in this world for us and all because God has a deep true love for each of us, He too suffered, through the "death" of his son.

Well today is my most sore day so far. Yesterday we made a three hour trip to meet Nicholas' dad half way. I was up a lot of the night with some pain, both physical and emotional. Today is the start of our family Easter meals. That makes this whole reality even harder to face. We were going to take Miranda to see the Easter bunny for the first time, just like we did with Ashalyn. And at every family gathering the common question is "how you feeling?" so I'm not positive how itll go but I think it's going to be pretty quiet towards us today. Just all in all not sure how today will go. Hopefully though as the day goes on I'm not as sore and can enjoy ourselves the best we know how anymore.

Briley Jordyn

As I mentioned before Nicholas and I had some decisions that needed to be made as far as our baby. We were in the stage of an "optional" burial. We never wanted to bury another child but to know what happens to it at the hospital just devastated us. So we went in this morning to fill out paperwork before the surgery and we decided to do it, then against it, and then again for it. Once our decision was made they hospital staff then proceded to bring us the death certificate to fill out. I'll be honest, as a parent, I NEVER EVER want to see another one of those papers. That was tough on us. It was hard with Miranda when they handed us her birth certificate and then stacked on top of it was a death certificate form. This time it was a death certificate before we got anything more than a glimpse of our baby on the ultrasound machine. With Miranda we were able to spend the time we needed with her before we had to "give her up". We held her in our arms. And now Briley we have to wait til we get to heaven to even see our baby.
We had a name picked out for a girl, Bryleigh Joy and for a boy we've always had the same two boys names picked out since we found out we were pregnant with Ashalyn So both of those names being gender neutral names we came to the agreement of Briley Jordyn for our sweet baby that awaits us in heaven. Right now our memorial is pending with Short's funeral home where we will then lay our baby to rest right next to sister Miranda, and where one day Nicholas and I will also make as our final resting place. We still are unsure of whether we made the right decision but it was made and we can't look back now. I believe this way we will find more comfort in the healing process.
So to our 2 sweet sweet babies, Miranda Lyn and Briley Jordyn...we love you both tremendously and though we feel you left us way to soon on an early flight to heaven we will remember you always and cannot wait for the day to meet you again in Heaven!! Until then we will continue taking care of your big sister, Ashalyn and giving her extra love and support as she encounters this nasty nasty world and we will always be telling her of her baby siblings!!!! We all love you!!!

I'm actually feeling pretty good physically. I have very minimal pain, but I have yet another empty feeling in my heart. That's the part that takes the longest to move on from. Thank you again everyone for your constant prayers. I think that is one of the few things that continue to keeps us going.

Yesterday we met with another doctor at a much bigger facility, associated with Toledo Hospital. Dr D'amato. At first we went to the radiologist where they read my ultrasound report and then read my blood work and they were amazed at my hcg levels still. Then we did another ultrasound where I was able to see my baby on the screen. The previous one they wouldnt show me anything so I just needed that picture for the bit of closure I needed. As soon as I saw my baby I knew something wasnt right. The gestational sac was very large in size compared to our baby. They too confirmed that they baby wasn't continuing to grow in size but they also were able to tell us that the heart was NOT developing, which caused the lack of heartbeat. Yesterday was tough on both us, but we got the answers we needed for that bit of "closure". This doctor really recommended against the pills and recommends the dnc. An old friend of mine has been through both processes and she too recommends the dnc procedure. But what I hate about this is my first doctor refered to it as an abortion. Now I know that anytime the baby is medically taken from the mother it is called a medical abortion.....but did he really have to use that term with me??? That's what is making it soooo difficult on me. I know for a fact now that my baby is not alive and has no chance of survival but an "abortion". How can I come to terms with that, when I am one that is SO SO against it and has preached against it my entire life??
Only problem with NOT doing it my health is then very much at risk? This doctor already gave me the "if this or this happens, get to the ER right away" peptalk. So now it's just deciding what we want to do. We have a few other decisions that need to be made as well, decisions that Nicholas and I dont necessarily agree on. But as for now, I have a surgery scheduled for Tuesday at Toledo hospital. I feel safer I think here at Fulton County though so not sure what's going to happen there. Just lots and lots to think about in the next day or two.

Proactive approach

Well on Friday I decided it was time to be proactive. I'm not sure I was ready for it but I'm glad I brought myself to it. To this day I remember the man that gave me the words of Miranda's passing...I remember him all to well. Honestly, I was perfectly fine with never EVER seeing him again. We was a sweet old man, but I just did not care to encounter him again.
But now all these questions are just running through my mind. I had two healthy pregnancies up until the accident and now complications, so I cant help but to wonder if they relate at all.
Friday Nicholas and I decided it was time to get some answers and we just held our breath not sure what we were going to find out. First we made an appointment to see Dr Vielala, the doctor that did Miranda's surgery. Still a very sweet man, but hard to see him again. This isnt the doctor that bothered Nicholas as he had never met this doctor before. He was always in a surgery when this man came around. I held it together, but those words just those words just kept ringing so loud and clear in my mind when I would look at him.
He couldnt give us much as my records belonged to St V's so he did not have htem in his office. So next we headed over to St Vs and signed out all 3 of our medical records. Between the 3 of us we have a stack of papers over 2 inches thick. It was very interesting to read them all because the hospital stay is still a pretty blurry moment for us. It told us everything up to the exact procedure that was done to our breaks and to how many screws and plates we had and to what they were screwed to. Some of it was more than we could understand but what we didnt understand then our doctor cleared up pretty well for us.
It was hard reading the words of the part on my record about Miranda. And that was the part we needed clarity to, because all the words just didnt make sense to us. During the accident the impact of the trauma I had a 50% placenta abruption which cut off all oxygen to Miranda. I also, unaware of this til now, had some fundal uterine contusions. This is bruising and scarring to the uterus wall. Now, not giving them info about me being pregnant and just getting the news I got, I asked them how this affected future pregnancies. They said it definately puts me at high risk and the liklihood of the placenta tearing away again is possible. With the contusions the uterus may not allow for the embryo to attach properly which in turn could cause the baby to not grow properly, which is what appears to of happened in our case. At this point in this pregnancy all we were given was the baby is small and stopped growing awhile back. So at this point I cannott tell you what's next, Nicholas and I have not talked that far ahead yet. It scares me to even think it. But I got the answers I needed. I still dont have the answer as to WHY but I dont know that I'll ever know or understand in this lifetime.
And in the times like this, I am so thankful that I have the friends I have. I am thankful for each and everyone that has been there just to call me and say, "I'm praying!" Or to lend a listening ear to help me sort through all these emotions. It's difficult to do and without them I'd be in a very very dark hole. I am thankful that this is not my final home and that one day I will be holding my 2 dear babies in my arms all while rejoicing in my final place of eternity.