It's been a LONG while...

As you can tell by the picture on the side bar it has been a while since I've posted in our blog. I gave up on blogging and I cannot promise how committed I will be this time around either. But so much has changed and yet stayed the same that I should update and find a place so you all know what we are doing with the money we are raising from our fundraisers.
Our adoption process is coming along. We cannot wait to be finished in all this "paperwork" and finally bring home our child/children. Right now our prayer is for twins from the Congo of Africa. It is very likely that the brother/sister set could be our referral...but as we are well aware referrals can fall through...and that's when we have to be able to say, "okay God, you have another family for them, and another child in mind for us."
And then we must TRUST that. We are anxious and cannot wait!

We sent out our first package to the twins. We had to send it to Florida where the ladies from the agency are that will be traveling to the Congo end of this week. So please pray for them as they travel and get to know these children and their needs better.

We've done a few fundraisers already. Valentine's day cupcake sales were a huge success, selling 52 dozen cupcakes! Thank you to Carey and Chloe Gochenour, Chelsea and Carla Rice for helping us make those.
My 31 open house party also brought in a little money for us. Thank you to Elizabeth Mohr and Carey Gochenour for your help there. And to Brittany Engle and Emily Yeary for booking parties to also help (as well as Liz and Carey). All these parties a percentage of sales will go towards our adoption and will go towards my goal of having our airline tickets paid for by the 31 company, an added incentive done by thirty one!
And to the people that have volunteered to take a baby bottle to fill thank you!! I will do a special post on that once it's done so u will be recognized with thanks!!
We will continue to update our process and different prayer requests!

change is good

I guess it's time for another update. We have lots of people that have been asking us what is going on with the foster care/adoption now that you are pregnant!

As I have mentioned before we feel that we are being called in this area and we are still pursuing it. There was a hold up on our licensing paperwork but that has officially come through. So we just have a few more (2 days) of training hours and our fire inspection had expired. So now we are just down to the nitty gritty. So yes, we will officially be licensed before Baby Kynzie arrives.

As far as life, Nicholas and I HAD to sit down and evaluate the things that were important to us. It's not even possible to explain the way we feel about things. We have so many ups and downs and in betweens. But we truly realize how much our life has changed, which means we have to make the adjustments needed to keep us truckin' along. We agree, we have changed! Dealing with grief and the unexpected sadness of this world has changed who we are....and in a sense we let it change the things we do. We don't hop in the car and pull away without saying a prayer first...it's kind of become my seatbelt habit! We think twice about making unneccessary trips out. Therefore our life has changed so much.

We started to believe that if we went out and did these things we would appear "too happy" and as if we have forgotten. At Christmas, a family member said to us (mind you, she doesnt quite think sometimes) "I am so glad you are having another girl, it will help you to forget!" WHOA!!! That scared me, I don't want to forget! Miranda is my baby and ALWAYS will be. But, it doesnt mean our life on earth has to stop. We have begun to make many changes to move forward a little. We are anxiously awaiting another girl (not to replace but to join our family!!) We are seeking a new church family where we want to feel like we fit and to have that intimacy of a close group of loving caring Christian friends. We have a goal for this year to get back in the routine of calling friends up to hang out and have playdates. We are going to make LOTS of bigtime changes, based upon OUR decisions and what we believe is best for us and our little family. We are hiring a sitter for at least every other week (other than family members) to watch Ashalyn so Nicholas and I can begin dating again and continue to grow in our marriage. (something that is very easy to forget when you are grieving!)

There's a lot about to change in our life all at once but I really feel that it is going to make for a much better and happier year to come!

Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day Mornings

I have lots of blogging to do to catch up on our Christmas traditions but here are two of my favorites. The night before Christmas eve morning we made cookies and set them out for Santa.




And then we went to sleep and waited!! That was the hardest part for myself. I was pretty excited!! Ashalyn zonked out in her bed and Nicholas and I went over the plan. When Santa came in the door (we don't have a chimney) he rang his bells and said "Ho, Ho, Ho. Merry Christmas" loud enough to wake our sleeping beauty. She wasnt sure at first. Matter of fact, she made me go see him first...so I took a picture from the top of our stairs and took it back to her room to see. Then she went to see for her self...but was NOT going to let me put her down to take any pictures!!

We watched Santa leave out the door, she got down and said, "wake daddy up for presents." So as I am stalling her watching out her bedroom window we look for Santa. Can't find him so we talk about the other boys and girls that have been good and need Santa to come to their house too...and before you know it Nicholas was up the back way in our house to crawl in bed and "trick" her....she suspected not a thing and was so distracted by the fact that Santa was there that our plan worked out perfectly!! Next year we might have to find someone to play Santa but it worked great for the time being!! We "woke" daddy up and went down to open our presents from Santa! It was such a blast!!
Later that day we celebrated with Nicholas' dad and then we went to the movies to see Yogi Bear with my parents! Later that night we read the nativity story and we got our Birthday Cake ready for Jesus' birthday! Ashalyn had fun helping me make it and she kept saying "Baby Jesus Cake!"
My family never really did Santa growing up but Nicholas' did, so we still would like to keep that tradition going...and I love it!! But I want to remind Ashalyn and our other Children that Christmas is not only about Santa, so thats why we chose to carry our Christmas morning tradition of Santa to Christmas Eve morning. Our Christmas morning we will be celebrating the birth of Jesus and His birthday!!
We made a cake and left a few pieces out for the birds to carry to the heavens. We took balloons and sent our kisses upwards and this is how we choose to celebrate Christmas morning....we celebrate Christmas the best we can here on earth, while our loved ones are up there having the best birthday celbration EVER!









Happy Birthday to Baby Jesus!!
Hope you all enjoyed your Christmas and were able to create family traditions of your own!! I already look forward to doing these things again next year and seeing the new reactions from the gifts God gave me (my children)!!!

Our version of the 12 days of Christmas....

We've been saying we needed to do something together as a family that was slow paced and allowed us to just relax. We take in sooo many emotions and we keep ourselves busy ALL the time to try and fill that empty void. I cannot even begin to explain this feeling that I am talking about, but it has an empty, numb and blahness to it. Last year at this time, we went way over board on Christmas presents. We shopped, shopped, and did more shopping. We thought as long as we were buying more "things" we could keep ourselves preoccupied from the pain and hurt we were feeling. With each new present we wrapped it seemed like we opened another one just to keep us "entertained" with the thought of having something to do, if that makes any sense at all.
Many of you may recall, our big purchase of a tiny little puppy as well. That too, only lasted a few months and than got old, so we found him a new home. It is very impossible to explain but it is something to this day we still do. We live our life on the go so that way we aren't burdened as much by the hurt.
Tonight at the supper table, we tried sharing with each other. Neither of us know how to explain but both of us understand. It's like we live two lives now. The life that wants to remember and hold onto every dream or memory we ever had. But the other life that wants to move forward with Ashalyn and into our future of both her and Kynzie. I blog to help me sort between these two lives, so if my blog seems depressing majority of the time, I do apologize...but this is what helps me with my thoughts. I promise, I do not live my life at home in constant tears and sorrow! I enjoy my one little girl way too much to allow that to happen. She still needs her mommy!! (and I pray she ALWAYS does!!)
But anyways, back to what I said previous, we have decided this Christmas season, in between still trying to keep busy to make it a family "tradition", I guess you could call it, to find the time as a family to stay in, focus on each other, shut off all the sound, and just relax together. Hopefully this will help a little with the "spend to be happy" theory that only hurts more in the end.
So our 12 Days of Christmas we have bought presents for our little family; presents that we can do together, enjoy together, and just create memories together. We have done Candyland and Memory, puzzles and Christmas movies on tv, made cookies for snack, but tonight's gift has been my favorite by far!
Not a single one of us by any means is an artist, but one thing that I LOVE is painting with Ashalyn. So we decided to try something different. We bought canvases, acrylics and nice paintbrushes. It was something new for all of us, but very relaxing and fun!!






Like I said, neither of us by any means are ready to quit our jobs to become an artists, but we had fun and I will forever cherish these works of art. Halfway through our families version of the the 12 days of Christmas!(can't wait to share how we spend our last day!!)

Nicholas's appointment

First, lets start with how frustrating it has been to get to this appointment. We had this appointment scheduled since the 5th of October and the week before they call us and say that the doctor no longer is seeing patients in the afternoon. So they had to move his appointment to the morning, which required him to take a whole day from work of vacation pay verses just an hour. So we got there, at his newly scheduled time (an hour drive) to wait in the waiting room for an hour and them to tell us that the xray machine was broken. So we rescheduled, took another day from work and finally made it in. And this is what we found....
This may seem normal to some, but no...that is NOT his knee joint...that is all his upper leg....where it looks as if two different bones are coming together...that is one bone, just where the fracture is. The rod and the nails at the top make me squirm. EWW! But yes, the doctor tells him that there is a fine outter layer over the fracture that fuses the bone back together but the bone density is still not smoothed over. Then procedes to say up to 15 years....yes, FIFTEEN YEARS???? WTW?
So his next interpretation was...we want to start out the least invasive and work our way up to most as needed. So, Nicholas is back on pain medicine for 8 weeks and then will go back for another view by a new doctor (this doctor is moving south and doing no more procedures at this point....in my thoughts, he doesnt want to deal with his mess up and leaving it for someone else, so just giving him the pain meds to get by on til then....but I'm not a doctor so...). This appointment we got more answers and I truly think it was because he's on his way out anyways. Last appointment when Nicholas told him of his falling down the stairs episodes the doc said, "well you did break you leg, it's going to be painful". Today he explained the procedure THE OTHER DOCTOR WOULD DO, he answered Nick's questions differently and wrote a "maximum recovery letter" stating, "It is to my best medical knowledge that Nicholas will always have a medical impairment that is highly likely."
We have had a second opinion appointment scheduled for next week all along because we knew something wasnt right, but this orthapedic was relunctant to take on Nicholas' care full time because he was someone else's patient. So now we hope that our doctor leaving the state will allow for him to do so and his care will be closer to home, with a much more trusted doctor. We thank you all for sticking by us through this journey and continuing to pray when we said something still isnt right. Please keep the prayers coming though, as today was a huge disappointment to Nicholas. The doctor said he feels he will never get back to competitve sports like he had been able to do before...it's going to be more of a "last man picked for the team" sort of activity now. And that took his hopes and confidence down quite a few degrees. So please please keep praying!!! I hate seeing him down and discouraged like this.

i thought, but I was wrong

I thought I was holding together pretty well lately. I have been having fun with the kids I work with. I have been definately enjoying all the new things Ashalyn is doing. I am amazed at how big she is getting and she just keeps getting cuter and cuter everyday with that little unique personality of hers. I have loved feeling Kynzie wiggle about inside of me. And believe it or not, those clothes that I swore I would never pull back out of the box....well, that too I have enjoyed. I have shed a few tears, but I have enjoyed it because I also realize the power God has in these circumstances.
But today at church I realize that I'm still not strong! In the restroom a very strong Christian woman came up to me and said she's been praying for us this past week. She doesnt know what has been going on but we got to talking and it just so happen to leak about the week we have had with Nick's leg. She too seemed very confused as to why it hasn't healed completely yet. As we were talking I had to fight back the tears.
It is so hard for me to sit back and watch him in so much pain still. He had days off for the holiday and he went with pretty limited pain. But those few days off were H*LL for him when he went back.
The first day back he came home and could barely walk by evening. He tries to hid his pain from everybody but people are starting to ask him about his limp. I see him cringe every night when he goes up the stairs to go to bed. I see him pick up his leg with his hands to try and get it to unlock and take it's first step after sitting for a while. I hear the little grunts and groans that he tries to keep in. And I see him sneak in some pain medicine on occassion here and there. So the other night, i finally told him he had to look at me and be 100 percent straight with me about everything. He teared up and finally admited a long over due on his pain.
I had a second opinion scheduled for him a while back, but he didnt go. He says that they aren't going to find anything different. The doctor he is seeing now and that did his surgery says, "you broke your leg in three places, it's going to hurt!" So, he feels like he needs to "man up" he says. Well, I've had enough. My poor husband is in sooo much pain still, 14 months later...something doesnt seem right. It's so hard to see him go through this. I've cried many times because I HATE seeing him like this and there being nothing I can do. But I try so hard to stay strong in front of him.
But hearing the words come from his mouth the other night of him giving up on ever being able to play basketball again or feel normal again. That is NOT okay with me! Nick is by no means a quitter and to hear that just stabbed at me. I'm crying now as I type this because I don't understand how or why he has to go through the physical pain yet too, especially since the emotional pain is still so so SO real to us every day!!
I have considered giving up on babysitting at home so I can carry the insurance and he can become a stay at home daddy and heal. He tells me I am crazy and he won't allow me to do that. He feels strongly that he is the guy and he needs to be the one working. I love him for that, really I do!! But I wish in this time of weakness (injury) for him he would let me step up!
I have become very frugel and concious of our spending and have learned a budget that works for us, so that my money is the extra's for us. But I have yet to figure out something to help with the pain and I HATE THAT!! I want to take it all away from him so that he can enjoy the little things again. Like I mentioned in a previous post, things such as running in after work to get kisses from his girls, playing ball with the guys, leg workouts, going to work everyday, and getting down on the floor to play with Ashalyn.
Anyways, this woman at church...she is such an inspiration and she took the time to notice our hurting hearts still and to pray with me right there in the restroom at church. It meant the world to me, to us!! But made me realize, in this world I am still very very weak. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for!! But at the same time I know and realize that there are many more tears to be shed.
I miss the days of being a smiley happy child had the job of just making people smile!! And my biggest worry was when someone didn't smile back!

What are you thankful for.....?

Sometimes in life it is extremely hard to look at the big picture and pick out the little things in life that we are thankful for. It's easy to say, Family, Friends and God.

But it's the little EVERYDAY things that get me thru this life. Don't get me wrong, I am ever so grateful for family, friends and God. But this life journey that I am on, has definately NOT gone as planned. So those little things that many tend to look past, are the things I am thankful for today on this Thanksgiving day!!
Just today I've thanked God for the laughs Ashalyn and I shared making brownies and cookies. For the giggles I heard coming from the bathtub as Nick gave Ashalyn her morning bath. For the morning kiss I got from a man who loves me unconditionally. For the chocolate on Ashalyn's nose after licking the brownie bowl. The tiny little footprints I feel on the wall of my stomach. And mostly for the ever protecting, warm arms of an amazing Father, that is holding my babies tight on this Thanksgiving day!

It is for these things that I am thankful. I am so thankful to have family and friends and God walking with and guiding me through this life...but it is the small things that come from these people that give me a reason to have faith in the unknown and in our future!!

WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR THIS HOLIDAY SEASON?????

Discouraged

Today is kind of a discouraging day. My babysitting kids came and we sat down for our circle time. Circle time is nothing real impressive. We do a simple version of calender to get counting in. And I am able to ask the kids what month it is and they are able to tell me. I have a fun early childhood calender that has many colors and cute little pictures and each day a child is able to help by putting the day's number in! Simple, but the kids love it and it is what has helped Ashalyn learn her counting! After that we usually sing a song or two and then discuss our topic for the day before we do our art project. Today we talked about thanksgiving and what we were thankful for. Then we all sat at the table and made a huge thanksgiving feast for our lunch....mashed potatoes, dressing, chicken, greenbeans, corn and warm bread!! It was yummy!!
So you might ask why I say it was a discouraging day?!?
It goes back to the topic of the day. I look at my life and I see all the things I have to be thankful for. I had one boy say he was thankful for trains, trucks and cows. Another girl said her mom and dad. Ashalyn followed suit then by saying her mom and dad. I teared up. I AM SOOOO GRATEFUL FOR MY LITTLE GIRL!! Nothing discouraging about that!!! She is my world, my life!! I am thankful I am still here to spend these days with her. I am thankful that I am a mother of not only one beautiful girl. I am thankful for my husband! I HAVE SO MANY REASONS TO PRAISE OUR MAKER FOR THIS LIFE!
But when talking about these things the memories come crowding back....the life I had before! When I could picture Ashalyn and Miranda growing up so close in age and playing with the kitchen set we had purchased before the accident and Miranda was very much alive in my tummy. When Nicholas and I would lay in bed, he'd hold my stomach and we would talk about them playing basketball together, or what we would do if they both came home liking the same boy, or if they both wanted to get married all in the same summer. They would of only been 13 months apart, so all these things were possible!
But not only do we have the broken dreams of our daughters not growing up together, there is more that discourages me tonight! There used to be a day when Nick would get home from work and hop out of his truck and run in the house to see his two favorite girls! Today was no different than any other day since the accident...I watch him crawl out of the truck and he pauses. Just from the time he gets in his truck, drives less than a mile home from work, he has to completely start over with making his leg work. He has to focus on how to get from the truck to the house and "unfreeze" his leg. Every day I watch him hobble to the house with pain in his eyes, sometimes watch him stumble down the stairs, and other times just watch him grabbed his leg to lift it as he takes a step. Don't get me wrong....I AM EVER SO THANKFUL HE IS STILL HERE WITH US....but discouraged that our life took such a dramatic turn and will NEVER be the same.
Work days are hard days for him because he is on concrete all day long and doesnt get the chance to sit down much through out the day, so it seems like those are the days that are toughest for him with his leg. He has an appointment for a second opinion because it's been over a year and his limp seems to be worse on days and he seems to still be in a great deal of pain, given the good and the bad days! It's a discouraging day because it's been a rough one for him. I HATE HATE HATE watching him limp and not being able to do anything to take care of him. So tonight I am thankful for MANY MANY things, just a bit discouraged about others.
I hope not to ask for too much, but I would be ever so thankful if there was a day that I was greeted by him after work like we wwere before the accident!! Pain free. Limp free. Where he runs in the house because he cant wait for the welcome home kiss from his girls! I sure do miss those days!!!!!

A lil' bit of EVERYTHING

It has been awhile. I will be honest, I did NOT think many people read my blog. Just in the last week I have had two very random people come up to me and say, "sounds like there's some good things happening in your life" and "I've been reading your blog..." WOW! And about a month ago a mom had asked me if I would consider blogging different kids ideas! So...here's a little update on pretty much everything.

Let's start with Ashalyn's surgery. All went well. She ended up having lots of bleeding and scarring in the ear so the surgery was an additional 45 minutes where they took her tubes out, cleaned it, removed some of the yuckiness, and put a brand new set of tubes in. In addition to the tonsils and the adenoids being removed! It took her a week, but she is back to eating and drinking and back to her happy self. We sure did miss that personality of hers. However, it got to the point where the doctor told us whatever we could get her to eat.....I thought I tried everything! Finally I thought, maybe if we took popsicles over to her cousins house and shared with them she would want a popscicle! Well, they were eating cookies when we got there and sure enough, that stinker went straight for a chocolate chip cookie and downed two of them. Didnt eat for 3 days and made mom and dad look silly!! But the problem is....we started a VERY bad habit! Every night before bed, for breakfast and at lunch time she begs for cookies! On occassion she gets her way and we make hot cookies and milk for bedtime snack...but this mommy isn't sure how long that will last!! (she literally is asking EVERY NIGHT!)

Next topic: our foster care. We found out the week of Ashalyn's surgery that there was a few month delay on our paper work...which puts us back to February in getting our license. (baby is due early april late march) We figure that might be a little too much all at once, so we slowed down our speed on trying to get everything done by November. We have all but 12 hours of our training done. And most of our home study. However, we are going to hold the rest of that off til after the holidays and then start back up. We will then still get our license in Feb. but are going to wait til a few months after the baby to take our first placement.

Which leads me to the baby! A friend of mine called me up and told me that the CPC was doing ultrasounds for free one day for a training of the new machine...so...we got an early sneak peak of our little GIRL!! Yup, we are expecting another girl. Kynzie Caraline! Ashalyn stared in amazement as she watched her little sister move around on the u/s machine and now if you ask her what the baby's name is she says, "baby sister!" And then goes on to say her name, "Kynzie Line" She seems to be pretty excited for as much as she understands at her age. I've had a few ask how we came to pick Kynzie for her name, which we have found to be a very neat story!!

Ashalyn's name really had no meaning behind it. It was a name we both loved and agreed on. Faith (A's middle name!) is pretty self explanatory...we as parents made the commitment to raise Ashalyn in knowing our Christian faith and our prayer for her is that she comes to know and except that same life!
Miranda's name didnt come as easy. We already picked out one girls name and had a very hard time deciding and agreeing on another. A few months before she was due to be born we agreed on Miranda, but could not agree on the middle name. Nick wanting Lyn so we could stick with the "yn" names and me choosing Irene, after his grandma Edna Irene, and my great grandma Irene. So when the accident came and Miranda was born, I was SOOO out of it, I'm not even sure if Nick was in the room with me at the time, and they asked if the little one had a name yet, I remember not even thinkin about it, and the name Miranda Lyn Irene Rice flowed from my mouth. We knew before hand that the name Miranda meant "miracle". Now, that sure did not seem like any miracle to me....but looking back at how bad it could of been, we have seen some miracles in our story!
Briley Jordyn, with Briley we were not far enough that we could tell the gender of the baby, so Bryleigh being our girls name and Jordyn being one of our boy choices...we decided Briley Jordyn could be very gender neutral.
And now to Kynzie Caraline...We went through name after name. And both very much liked Kenzie. However, like I mentioned...we wanted to stick with yn names...so we debated and we even asked an english teacher if we spelled it Kynzie if that would change the pronunctiation. She told us that she believed it would change the pronunctiation to Kinsey...so, we thought about it and we actually couldnt decide then which name we liked better, but we knew we LOVED the KYNzie spelling best...so we looked up the name meaning of Kinsey and sure enough that spelling was there....and the meaning....it just BLEW US AWAY. Brought instant tears and goosebumps to both of us.
Kynzie: the kings victory over the evil one
WOW! Take our entire story and put that meaning into a Christian content. When we felt like we had been beaten to the ground over and over by Satan....our amazing Redemer and Lord picks us up and defeats him!! We have a healthy pregnancy and each day are one day closer to holding our baby, our living miracle!!
HOW AMAZING AND AWESOME IS THAT?!?!?!

5 am stream of ramblings

I'm not sure I am really thinkin' straight at this point. Blogging is my last attempt at trying to get a little bit of shut eye before my annoying alarm starts sounding. The buzz is set for 5:45am and I have laid awake watching it since about 2 o'clock. My thoughts are beyond comprehension at this point. In just a few short hours I will send my little girl into the arms of the earthly physicians where they will prep her for what is thought to be a simple surgery. She will be getting her tonsils and adenoids removed, as well as a possible set of new ear tubes. So you might ask, "if it's so simple, what keeps you awake tonight?"
I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones or just a motherly reaction, but I'm worried sick for my baby girl. Really, she's no longer a baby; she's very much so a growing toddler! But tonight before bed, I admit I catered to her much more than normal and I ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!! After bath she insists on lotion. High maintenance? Maybe!! However, it spoils mom just as much as it does Ashalyn. That bonding time is amazing where she gets so relaxed and mommy just gets to massage her legs and pamper her. I don't know the details of it all but I do know that baby massage is wonderful for stimulating parts of baby's brain and it's something I've done from day one! I said extra prayers with her tonight. And I cuddled her more than ever. And now I sit there and watch her sleep.
Her previous ear surgery went well. We no longer were seated in the waiting room when they were coming out to get us to go back to recovery. I'm assuming that's a little how this will go. However, now I will admit...I live this life with a little bit of fear. It was all a matter of seconds in the past that my dreams of being a mother were shattered. All these true and happy moments I have with Ashalyn were ripped away from me before I could even beg God to give me another chance with my sweet baby Miranda. I arrived at St Vincent's Medical Center on life flight knowing my baby girl had a heart beat still and not long after that I was looking in the eyes of a very unfamiliar OBGYN asking if there was any chance of comign out of surgery with a live baby girl in my arms. So yes, my biggest weakness in this life is FEAR! I've tried over and over to lay that at the cross, but it's something I still struggle with on a daily basis, as I look at those beautiful blue eyes and see all that I could lose in her.
I cherish EVERY moment I have with her and I find so much in her that I love and that just brings the biggest smile to my world. Matter of fact, she IS my world! The past few weeks she has not felt well and it has been stressful at times. All I want is my little healthy and happy girl back. That's the goal of this "simple, normal" surgery....but I dread anistesia taking her from my arms and watching her walk down the hall, peering back over their shoulder, watching mom and dad struggle to fight back the tears. I dread every second I will be away from her, waiting for them to come get us to go back to recovery. And I CANNOT wait, til I can go pamper her more and craddle her in my arms, brush her hair with my hands, and just watch her sleep!!

Lord, watch over Ashalyn (and baby on the way) tonight, tomorrow and forever!! Thank you for my little blessings!!! And you know my final request for the night before I fall asleep.....kiss my other two babies for me! AMEN!!

16 weeks

For the past 2 weeks I have been scared to death for my 16 week check up! It was at 15 that we received the news that Briley had passed, so as you can imagine we were holding our breath. I remember at Briley's appointment before listening to the heartbeat the nurse asking if I had felt movement yet and the answer was no. This time, with this pregnancy, the answer again was no. And I paniced, matter of fact I had been panicing for weeks now.
I am pretty sure I felt small little pops in my stomach, but I refused to let myself believe that it might be the baby. I guess in all reality, it was because of fear. I tried so hard not getting my hopes up, so I second guessed everything. Well, at the visit, we got a very VERY strong heartbeat. YAY GOD!!!!
However, we did get some news that was a bit discouraging and could definately use some prayers. Throughout all this I have developed an infection in my body and I will have to go on a prescription antibiotic for it. The side effects of the prescription could cause harm to the baby (smaller chances the way it sounds) but if I DO NOT take it, the infection can cause death of the fetus, resulting in either a miscarriage or later down the road a stillbirth if it gets too bad. (the odds for this are much much higher I guess) So after praying Nicholas and I chose to take the smaller odds and take the prescription to rid my body of the bacteria. This is where we could use prayer! Thank you to all our prayer warriors during this scary, but yet exciting adventure of another pregnancy!!

"Are you sure you can do that?"

So, a few times over the courses of the months we have had people as us the same question over and over? And we finally have had the heart to explain why we chose the foster to adopt path verses the private adoption.
I have been tearing myself up wondering if we are doing the right thing. Last few times at church I have left church nearly in tears because different people, pastors, friends, etc ask us..."you know that Adriel (the agency we are going through) is foster to adopt right?" Part of me got angry at first, not understanding why it mattered. Then I began to think, what is the big deal and why can't you just be supportive of our decision. But with the training we have been undergoing I can honestly now look at these people when they ask and say, "yes, we do understand and we do know what we are doing and WE DO feel this is where we are being led."
Just this past week one of our faithful friends, someone we used as a referance for our adoption, came to Nicholas and said, "Do you really think you can let the children go? In a sense it's like a death of your children."
So....I'm here to try and explain this to our faithful readers and prayer warriers. We understand if a child is brought into our home for months, maybe even years, there is a chance that we will not get to adopt them. That they will be reunited with their birth parents. And i am sure that will hurt once we are attached. But let me try to explain!
Just this past training we had, we heard the story of a dad that used his children as target practice in the living room. The children came into foster care with lumps all over their body only to find little bbs impelted into their skin. So we can look at them leaving our home to go back to their family or another foster family as a death, like this dear friend said....or we can look at it as, saving a child's life while the parents get the treatment they need to make themselves "better" to better care for their children. Yes, we could in turn hurt when saying goodbye again, but the difference to us....that child didn't die. That child still is very much alive on this earth, maybe with the feeling of wanting to die, but aren't able to protect themselves. As parents, no matter how hard we tried, we were unable to protect Miranda and Briley. And we had SOOOOO much love to give them. I still long for that physical love all the time. I still would love to give her the biggest hug and kiss and hold her on my chest as she falls asleep. But I can't. And it saddens me to no end knowing their are children out there, alive in this world...that have NO IDEA what parental love is, nor a hug for that matter.
Yes, we do understand the trials that can come with being a "foster parent" but we have NO DOUBT in our mind that this is where God is calling us to be at this point in our lives. We have taken a few remarks from people that have hurt. We keep hearing, "maybe you should talk to so and so because they didnt have a good experience with foster care/adoption." Honestly, there are times we have come home and we look at each other and say, "so did you feel like we were being looked down upon for this decision?" So, we would like to express a HUGE thank you to all our true friends and family that have supported us in this decision!! I can say WITHOUT a doubt in my mind, that we are ready for all that this has to bring us. We are aware of the late night runaways and the vulgarity that might come with it (that's what our trainings have been informing us of) and we are also aware of the fact that the day might come that we will have to say good bye when we thought they would be a part of our family forever. We are aware of all the labels foster parents have. (where they lock them in cages, starve them and rape them) Nicholas and I aren't those people and we are making this decison based upon prayer and the support that we do have! We are also aware of life's tragic moments and the importance of loving a child to the end. And if we have to say good bye to these children, they will always remain in our heart and be part of our eternal family. And our reward for caring for these children couldnt be greater...........eternal love from our Father who didnt neglect us when we lived in fear and death of our child!

And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.

Matthew 18:5

Every Child is a gift!

I am real reluctant to write this blog. But I can't help but to be excited. My heart is semi guarded at this point because I know the pain a parent endures when saying good bye to a child they have their hopes set on. But at the same time I have to every day pray for these two children and every day my love for them grows deeper and deeper. Nicholas and I talk about them like crazy. We dream up what our life would become if they become ours. And we pray un-endlessly for these two children. Now we had given up any bit of hope of bringing these children home, because we knew when there final adoption was taking place. The 3rd of this month. And we knew we would not be done with our licensing process. So like I mentioned before we changed our prayers. We prayed that they would find a family that would suit them, that would love them, and continue to keep them smiling (you will know what i mean when you see their picture!) We were still happy for them, that they would have a permenant family to call their own. But then we got the phone call back saying there was no family that met the criteria...and yet again we began to hold out hope. We know any day now a family could come along, but we are getting SOOOOOO close to being done!! This week we begin our training hours and not much more to go after that!! I cannot say that these children will be a match for us for sure or not....I cannot even say that we will be granted our request, but I can share with you all a pciture of the two children that we are praying for on a numerous times a day basis....and we can ask for you all to join us in prayer. That if not us, a family be found! The smiles on their face, along with Ashalyn's, is what has brought us through many many scared, fearful and lonely days!!!

Hope you all can smile right along with us by looking at this picture!!!
http://wtol.images.worldnow.com/images/incoming/HomeForKeeps/jamiaantonio.pdf
Now tell me that didnt bring a smile to your face!!!

Dying to Post

I have been dying to write this post. I have wrote it over and over but been too afraid to hit "post". I keep saying to myself "if I do, then people can pray for me. If I don't they can't." But also...."if I do, then it's that much harder to undo it if things don't work out."
And with that comment, I admit. I am SCARED TO DEATH! Anytime I am feeling great I panic. Anytime I feel a chill or feverish I panic. Anytime I recall any little moment from the past, I Panic. And finally, anytime I think happy thoughts about this baby, you got it...I PANIC. I am living in fear in a sense.
My past pregnancy with Briley got me through some very tough times. It helped us handle seeing new babies. It gave us a hope in the future when we felt we could not go on. And it gave us a hope in having future children after the tramatic birth of Miranda. We were super excited. And then that was ripped from us as well.
With Briley we made a decision to do something that most would not do at that week in the pregnancy. We also buried Briley...right next to Miranda. (this is some info that not many might know about us) But when sitting in the hospital waiting for Briley to be delivered, we debated. We went back and forth with the nurse. We fulled out the birth certificate but then resistated with the death certificate. We were NOT sure we had the money for another funeral but as soon as that death certificate was signed it was something we had to do for the baby. So we went back and forth....do we want to go through that again??
Well, I hesistate in saying this...but having that private burial was the best thing we could of done for ourselves. We buried Briley at a point when we were physically more capable of "being there" if that makes any sense. Nicholas and I were able to go down there, free of pain (not completely, but compared to Miranda's funeral) and we were able to focus on our grief as a couple, as parents, and we were able to turn our emotions into something more healthy and positive. Not only then were we able to grieve the loss of Briley, we were able to grieve Miranda. All by ourselves, without other people telling us how we should feel, without sitting there in so much pain that it's unbearable (at her funeral we were still pretty drugged up), and without the harsh, unloving feelings of hurt, jealousy, hatred, you name it.
But all that didn't change the one thing we still fear! And that's having to do it all over again, for a third time. I never ever imagined in our 3 years of marriage that we would of had these struggles and emotions, but I believe it is something that will now always stick with us til death do us part. I don't want to do it again now, nor 60 years from now.
With that fear, we were afraid to go at this adventure again. We were afraid to announce again that we are expecting. And we will NOT stop holding our breath until the result is us bringing a real, living baby home in our arms!! But all that fear does NOT mean we are not excited. BECAUSE BELIEVE ME...ANNOUNCING THE OTHER DAY THAT WE HEARD A HEARTBEAT....was absolutely amazing. I have never felt so proud to say that yes, we saw a very active and full of life baby moving inside of my womb on September 15th!
That ultrasound was the most emotional but yet heartwarming moment we have experience since last September 7th, when we heard and saw our baby for the very last time. It brought back flashbacks, but it brought back so much of our hope as a family. We may be living in a little fear, but we couldnt be more thankful to our Lord above for giving us this opportunity to be mom and dad yet again, whether for the time being or for our lifetime, we will now be the proud parents of 4 children. 2 living and 2 in heaven. Our prayers are that the status of our children does not change, but no matter what we know who our God is and poop on Satan....literally!
So....NOW THAT WE HAVE SEEN AND HEARD A STRONG HEARTBEAT....PLEASE JOIN US ON THIS EXCITING JOURNEY!! JOin us in prayer and in the blogworld as we continue to defeat that nasty devil guy. WE ARE LIVING PROOF OF GOD'S AWESOMENESS AND UNFAILING, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!
We honestly believe God has SOOOO much instore for our Earthly family that we CANNOT wait to share this journey and adventure as we grow and wait for our day to all be reunited! (that all being said, continue to check back on our adoption process as well...God still is calling us on that path...just has blessed us in the meantime in yet another way!)

what the h*** are we supposed to do today?

Okay, so first excuse my language in my title...but honestly today feels like a complete day of confusion and blah-fulness (is that a word?)
Yesterday was Labor day. Today is the day Miranda was born, a year ago. But our accident happened on Labor Day. So yesterday we honored her in many ways. Nicholas walked the bridge and then my father-in-law and step-mother-in-law paid for us to get over to the island. Once we got there we loaded a horse carriage and we toured the island as our small little family. The first actually stop happened to be Mackinac Islands butterfly house. Soft music was playing and butterflies floated so gracefully about. We sat there on a bench together, Nicholas, Ashalyn and I and we cried. And we smiled. And we cried some more. We even laughed some. We then went back on the carriage to the lookout rock and we saw miles and miles of the beautiful great lakes. We remembered Miranda in such a "healthy" way. We had so much fun together as our little family.
And then there is today......the day we should be celebrating as her first birthday! And we had all these plans for the day and this is what we ended up with. We drove to Saint Ignance. On the way we got a very emotional and heartfelt text from Nick's sister, Lindsay! It meant the world to us....but we cried and cried. As soon as the tears began we turned to the right and yet again a mile long opening that followed the great lake Michigan! And it was then a whirlwind of confusion! We want to cry for her, but yet we just had to smile because it was like a little glimpse of heaven from our sweet Miranda. We got into Saint Ignance and the life there seemed so fast paced that it just didnt feel right. We got out for a bit but felt very uncomfortable. So then we choose to leave that town. As we are heading out we find another nice quiet lookout point over Lake Huron this time with a secluded park right along the lake shore. We spent a few minutes where Nicholas and Ashalyn threw rocks into the lake and then found the park. Within the first 2 minutes of being there we ventured down a double slide and splashed right into a huge puddle of water, soaking Ashalyn and Nicholas. We laughed some, but then realized we had no more clothes....so time to head back an hour back to Nick's dad's house. On the way back the wind blew harder and the bad weather picked up. Lake Michigan waves were HUGE, so we pulled off the side of the road and enjoyed that together for a bit. And now we are back at the house where it is pouring down rain. Ashalyn napping, Nicholas sitting in the dark and me blogging.
We talked some and we both have that exact same feeling of...."what the H*** are we supposed to do today." It's been a day of so many mixed emotions, a day of hurt, a day of lonliness, a day of jealousy, a day of laughter (at times), a day of peacefulness, and a day of PURE EMPTINESS.
I think we anticipated this day sooo much, wondering how it was going to go, how we were going to feel, and how we were going to react...that now that it's here WE ARE JUST CONFUSED. It is far beyond our control of understand and comprehending. We are able to talk about our future with our future children, we are able to share memories and stories of our past. But as for today....we just feel....BLAH....CONFUSED....TORN BETWEEN THE EMOTIONS.....and EMPTY!!
WE JUST CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO WRAP OURSELVES AROUND TODAY....YET ALONE TRY TO EXPLAIN!!!

Could it be so.....maybe???

So....a few posts back I wrote about our first disappointment in the adoption process. We had a lead to two children that INSTANTLY melted our hearts!!! Then we were told that this week would be where the team of professions would sit down and evaluate their case and find a family for them. So we just missed the date...we will not be licensed until Oct/early November! We were very disappointed that we just missed it but realized that as long as they have a loving family we were happy. They brought smiles and joy to our life for the time being!! They meant sooo much to me, that I never once stopped praying!! My ways of prayer changed though...that the right family was found!!! Well, I received a call today. There has been no match yet so they are still available for adoption!!!! Now, we still have time to wait because our home study is still in the works but...could it be? That maybe they still could be our children?? I'm trying not to get my hopes up....but I can pray again in other ways!!!! I can honestly say, whether they will be our children or not, I LOVE THOSE TWO KIDS!!!! Something about praying for them just makes my day!!!!! :-)
SO....for those following our blog with the adoption process......KEEP PRAYING!!!! :)

Finally I can post about our process BEYOND paperwork!

Well, today is the first I feel I can post about our adoption/foster care beyond the paperwork! 2 weeks back with had an interview as a couple and tonight was the start of my interview individually. Nicholas and Ashalyn left the house for the evening so that I could meet individually with our caseworker for a 2 hour interview about every little detail of my life. We covered the normal personality questions, strengths and weaknesses, life changing events, etc. But there were also scenario questions...in example. How would you feel as a parent if a sheriff deputy and caseworker showed up and took your child from your home. If you were a child being pulled from your home what emotions would you feel. Give an example in your life where you have shown your coping with delayed gratification. And what emotions do you think a parent losing their child to the foster care system goes through. All in depth things you have to think about when wanting to work with foster/adoptive families.
In a sense there was paperwork. Every answer I gave went down into our home study pages for agencies to look at when making a placement. But it really gave me the chance to dig deeper into why we want to do what we are doing. There's things in our life happening right now that would make it SOO easy to say, "you know, let's hold off, nows not the time for us." But with it all we both really feel that no matter what is going on in our life that we are being led into parenting (fostering) children that are in need of a good, loving and safe home...and who knows, maybe one day we will meet a child that is meant to be part of our permanant family. I could not be any more excited about this process and next phase in our life and my growing family!! I am LOVING this journey....paperwork and all!!!!!

that hole in your heart feeling....

Well, we did it to ourselves again. We went on vacation and had a blast and then we had to come home. I dont know what it is but once we hop in the car home from either of the family lake homes we cry on the way home. I cant even begin to explain it but there is that hole. There is a deep ache in our hearts that we talk about each trip home. We dread being here and we count down the days til our next return...away from everything. Where it is all thrown in our face constantly. Before I always enjoyed returning home after a trip, but lately it SUCKS! WE walk in the doors and we both look at each other and usually race to ask the other if we are ready to hop back in the truck and leave this place. Like I said, neither of us can explain this feeling...but I know exactly what Nicholas is talking about and he knows what I feel. Visiting the cemertary is different. Majority of the time, unless taking flowers we slow down instead of getting out. Not that we are closing that part from our lives, but because we no longer can feel her there. We feel her more when we are out and about as a family. I don't know if this is one of the stages they say you go thru but the cemetary is more of a dreary place of the hurt and the what ifs and should of beens...and our time on the lake is more of a "there will be a day". Now all this rambling really probably doesnt make sense, but I'm trying to figure out this hole again. Trying to adjust back into the rhelm of the everyday yet again! Bear with me please!!

"....that would be a good family"

A news interviewer asks this child in particular what he is looking for in a family. And his response was, "um, I want someone that loves me and doesnt abuse me...that would be a good family."

Instant tears on my end. And Nicholas became angry and saddened. That's when we knew that where we are headed in life right now is EXACTLY where God wants us to be. In a way I feel too "young" for this or not experience enough, so over and over I've been praying "God, are you sure?" I've questioned our path a few times, but each time I do a verse, an email, a message, something is thrown at me reminding me daily that Nicholas and I were brought together to parent not only our own biological children but the orphaned, the neglected and the abused.

We have been searching hours upon hours the adopt U.S website of waiting children to find families. And it saddens me to see the children's pictures with a number next to it and some of their info next to it. After hours of searching one night a new case appeared.....and instantly Nicholas and I fell in love. These two children had smiles of gold. Hugging each other, this brother and sister group, melted our heart. We prayed and prayed for these children. And then we contacted our caseworker about them. We couldnt get our paperwork done fast enough...but then we got some bad news. Well, not bad...just not what we were hoping for. These children's team meeting (where a family is picked) is September 3rd. And our lincense process will not be over until end of October. So we just missed them.

Instantly our hearts sank. And we experienced our first broken heart in the adoption process. So I asked God, "what is it that you want from us. Here we are following your calling for us, we found the children that we seemed to instantly connect too..and now they aren't available." And that's when I heard Him. "Valerie, those children gave you a smile TODAY! Take that as today's opportunity to love them and pray for them!"

So with lots of prayer for these children I am able to say, we may not be that family for them, but as long as they find one that fits them and that can love them and that they can bring the happiness they broguht to me in the past weeks then I can let them go. However, I have NOT stopped praying that if they are the children for us that something miraclous happens. (which it still could. If a family is not found the case stays open longer and then we can submit our homestudy and life book!) But those two children brought so much to me on that particular day and the days leading up to now. They gave me a hope in our future as a family and reminded me to pray, not only for the children we will eventually bring into our family, but all the children out there waiting for homes.

It's been a while, as I said I would blog the process, but believe me when I say this.....right now, it's nothing interesting....but paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork...oh and our fire inspection today...but with that....MORE PAPERWORK!!! I promise to keep blogging, but just bare with me through this beginning phase of....you got it....PAPERWORK!!!

WAYS YOU CAN PRAY FOR US THIS WEEK:
*our preperation for our safety audit
*for our patience as we begin this long drawn out process of WAITING
*for the protection of our children, whereever they are
*that the financial aspect of it continues to come in
*(not adoption related) the accident settlement...we are getting close to a year and we are praying we are getting near to closing the insurance part of that!
*and for every child that deserves a family and that are just out there waiting!!

high and low light of my day

I am in tears tonight. It's been one of those emotional rollercoaster days. We were blessed tonight in a way I cant even explain. I asked on facebook if anyone had a set of bunk beds they wanted to SELL....and within minutes got a phone call....someone had some to give us because they knew they'd be used for good cause.....well....I admit...I was a little skeptical...someone's GIVING AWAY bunkbeds? Boy, did I stick my thoughts in my mouth.....these bunk beds are brand spankin' new. New mattresses and even a dresser. We are so blessed and grateful for these beds. It brings tears to even think about it. And then they even had people here to help deliver and set them up for us. They don't know how special they are to us for thinkin' of us in this way.

And then shortly after that there was a down moment....I look at my husband trying to go up the stairs and his face just read severe pain. All along in the back of my mind I know when he says he's feeling fine he's really not...but i thought he'd tell me when he was in pain. Well tonight he admits to me (i think because i caught him) how much pain he still is in. he refuses pain medicine and refuses to admit the physical pain because he says he wants to believe his leg will get better....but tonight he admitted he thinks it will always hurts and he's just trying to accept it. I see him daily stop mid track to refocus on walking. I see him cringe at the site of stairs. It just breaks my heart that he still has to go through all this physical pain, but feels the need to be strong for Ashalyn and I. So tonight I tear up for him....because i love him and care...and HATE seeing him this way. So if you have a minute...please please say a prayer for him after you read this. The pain isn't residing much (he probably will never tell you that!) and since he's been back to work it has seem to get worse. I don't believe him standing on concrete all day has been good for him. My heart just breaks to hear him talk the way he did tonight. So please please continue to keep him in your prayers!! Thanks for all the prayers thus far!! We are blessed by some great prayer warriors and are ever so grateful!!