It's been a LONG while...

As you can tell by the picture on the side bar it has been a while since I've posted in our blog. I gave up on blogging and I cannot promise how committed I will be this time around either. But so much has changed and yet stayed the same that I should update and find a place so you all know what we are doing with the money we are raising from our fundraisers.
Our adoption process is coming along. We cannot wait to be finished in all this "paperwork" and finally bring home our child/children. Right now our prayer is for twins from the Congo of Africa. It is very likely that the brother/sister set could be our referral...but as we are well aware referrals can fall through...and that's when we have to be able to say, "okay God, you have another family for them, and another child in mind for us."
And then we must TRUST that. We are anxious and cannot wait!

We sent out our first package to the twins. We had to send it to Florida where the ladies from the agency are that will be traveling to the Congo end of this week. So please pray for them as they travel and get to know these children and their needs better.

We've done a few fundraisers already. Valentine's day cupcake sales were a huge success, selling 52 dozen cupcakes! Thank you to Carey and Chloe Gochenour, Chelsea and Carla Rice for helping us make those.
My 31 open house party also brought in a little money for us. Thank you to Elizabeth Mohr and Carey Gochenour for your help there. And to Brittany Engle and Emily Yeary for booking parties to also help (as well as Liz and Carey). All these parties a percentage of sales will go towards our adoption and will go towards my goal of having our airline tickets paid for by the 31 company, an added incentive done by thirty one!
And to the people that have volunteered to take a baby bottle to fill thank you!! I will do a special post on that once it's done so u will be recognized with thanks!!
We will continue to update our process and different prayer requests!

change is good

I guess it's time for another update. We have lots of people that have been asking us what is going on with the foster care/adoption now that you are pregnant!

As I have mentioned before we feel that we are being called in this area and we are still pursuing it. There was a hold up on our licensing paperwork but that has officially come through. So we just have a few more (2 days) of training hours and our fire inspection had expired. So now we are just down to the nitty gritty. So yes, we will officially be licensed before Baby Kynzie arrives.

As far as life, Nicholas and I HAD to sit down and evaluate the things that were important to us. It's not even possible to explain the way we feel about things. We have so many ups and downs and in betweens. But we truly realize how much our life has changed, which means we have to make the adjustments needed to keep us truckin' along. We agree, we have changed! Dealing with grief and the unexpected sadness of this world has changed who we are....and in a sense we let it change the things we do. We don't hop in the car and pull away without saying a prayer first...it's kind of become my seatbelt habit! We think twice about making unneccessary trips out. Therefore our life has changed so much.

We started to believe that if we went out and did these things we would appear "too happy" and as if we have forgotten. At Christmas, a family member said to us (mind you, she doesnt quite think sometimes) "I am so glad you are having another girl, it will help you to forget!" WHOA!!! That scared me, I don't want to forget! Miranda is my baby and ALWAYS will be. But, it doesnt mean our life on earth has to stop. We have begun to make many changes to move forward a little. We are anxiously awaiting another girl (not to replace but to join our family!!) We are seeking a new church family where we want to feel like we fit and to have that intimacy of a close group of loving caring Christian friends. We have a goal for this year to get back in the routine of calling friends up to hang out and have playdates. We are going to make LOTS of bigtime changes, based upon OUR decisions and what we believe is best for us and our little family. We are hiring a sitter for at least every other week (other than family members) to watch Ashalyn so Nicholas and I can begin dating again and continue to grow in our marriage. (something that is very easy to forget when you are grieving!)

There's a lot about to change in our life all at once but I really feel that it is going to make for a much better and happier year to come!

Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day Mornings

I have lots of blogging to do to catch up on our Christmas traditions but here are two of my favorites. The night before Christmas eve morning we made cookies and set them out for Santa.




And then we went to sleep and waited!! That was the hardest part for myself. I was pretty excited!! Ashalyn zonked out in her bed and Nicholas and I went over the plan. When Santa came in the door (we don't have a chimney) he rang his bells and said "Ho, Ho, Ho. Merry Christmas" loud enough to wake our sleeping beauty. She wasnt sure at first. Matter of fact, she made me go see him first...so I took a picture from the top of our stairs and took it back to her room to see. Then she went to see for her self...but was NOT going to let me put her down to take any pictures!!

We watched Santa leave out the door, she got down and said, "wake daddy up for presents." So as I am stalling her watching out her bedroom window we look for Santa. Can't find him so we talk about the other boys and girls that have been good and need Santa to come to their house too...and before you know it Nicholas was up the back way in our house to crawl in bed and "trick" her....she suspected not a thing and was so distracted by the fact that Santa was there that our plan worked out perfectly!! Next year we might have to find someone to play Santa but it worked great for the time being!! We "woke" daddy up and went down to open our presents from Santa! It was such a blast!!
Later that day we celebrated with Nicholas' dad and then we went to the movies to see Yogi Bear with my parents! Later that night we read the nativity story and we got our Birthday Cake ready for Jesus' birthday! Ashalyn had fun helping me make it and she kept saying "Baby Jesus Cake!"
My family never really did Santa growing up but Nicholas' did, so we still would like to keep that tradition going...and I love it!! But I want to remind Ashalyn and our other Children that Christmas is not only about Santa, so thats why we chose to carry our Christmas morning tradition of Santa to Christmas Eve morning. Our Christmas morning we will be celebrating the birth of Jesus and His birthday!!
We made a cake and left a few pieces out for the birds to carry to the heavens. We took balloons and sent our kisses upwards and this is how we choose to celebrate Christmas morning....we celebrate Christmas the best we can here on earth, while our loved ones are up there having the best birthday celbration EVER!









Happy Birthday to Baby Jesus!!
Hope you all enjoyed your Christmas and were able to create family traditions of your own!! I already look forward to doing these things again next year and seeing the new reactions from the gifts God gave me (my children)!!!

Our version of the 12 days of Christmas....

We've been saying we needed to do something together as a family that was slow paced and allowed us to just relax. We take in sooo many emotions and we keep ourselves busy ALL the time to try and fill that empty void. I cannot even begin to explain this feeling that I am talking about, but it has an empty, numb and blahness to it. Last year at this time, we went way over board on Christmas presents. We shopped, shopped, and did more shopping. We thought as long as we were buying more "things" we could keep ourselves preoccupied from the pain and hurt we were feeling. With each new present we wrapped it seemed like we opened another one just to keep us "entertained" with the thought of having something to do, if that makes any sense at all.
Many of you may recall, our big purchase of a tiny little puppy as well. That too, only lasted a few months and than got old, so we found him a new home. It is very impossible to explain but it is something to this day we still do. We live our life on the go so that way we aren't burdened as much by the hurt.
Tonight at the supper table, we tried sharing with each other. Neither of us know how to explain but both of us understand. It's like we live two lives now. The life that wants to remember and hold onto every dream or memory we ever had. But the other life that wants to move forward with Ashalyn and into our future of both her and Kynzie. I blog to help me sort between these two lives, so if my blog seems depressing majority of the time, I do apologize...but this is what helps me with my thoughts. I promise, I do not live my life at home in constant tears and sorrow! I enjoy my one little girl way too much to allow that to happen. She still needs her mommy!! (and I pray she ALWAYS does!!)
But anyways, back to what I said previous, we have decided this Christmas season, in between still trying to keep busy to make it a family "tradition", I guess you could call it, to find the time as a family to stay in, focus on each other, shut off all the sound, and just relax together. Hopefully this will help a little with the "spend to be happy" theory that only hurts more in the end.
So our 12 Days of Christmas we have bought presents for our little family; presents that we can do together, enjoy together, and just create memories together. We have done Candyland and Memory, puzzles and Christmas movies on tv, made cookies for snack, but tonight's gift has been my favorite by far!
Not a single one of us by any means is an artist, but one thing that I LOVE is painting with Ashalyn. So we decided to try something different. We bought canvases, acrylics and nice paintbrushes. It was something new for all of us, but very relaxing and fun!!






Like I said, neither of us by any means are ready to quit our jobs to become an artists, but we had fun and I will forever cherish these works of art. Halfway through our families version of the the 12 days of Christmas!(can't wait to share how we spend our last day!!)

Nicholas's appointment

First, lets start with how frustrating it has been to get to this appointment. We had this appointment scheduled since the 5th of October and the week before they call us and say that the doctor no longer is seeing patients in the afternoon. So they had to move his appointment to the morning, which required him to take a whole day from work of vacation pay verses just an hour. So we got there, at his newly scheduled time (an hour drive) to wait in the waiting room for an hour and them to tell us that the xray machine was broken. So we rescheduled, took another day from work and finally made it in. And this is what we found....
This may seem normal to some, but no...that is NOT his knee joint...that is all his upper leg....where it looks as if two different bones are coming together...that is one bone, just where the fracture is. The rod and the nails at the top make me squirm. EWW! But yes, the doctor tells him that there is a fine outter layer over the fracture that fuses the bone back together but the bone density is still not smoothed over. Then procedes to say up to 15 years....yes, FIFTEEN YEARS???? WTW?
So his next interpretation was...we want to start out the least invasive and work our way up to most as needed. So, Nicholas is back on pain medicine for 8 weeks and then will go back for another view by a new doctor (this doctor is moving south and doing no more procedures at this point....in my thoughts, he doesnt want to deal with his mess up and leaving it for someone else, so just giving him the pain meds to get by on til then....but I'm not a doctor so...). This appointment we got more answers and I truly think it was because he's on his way out anyways. Last appointment when Nicholas told him of his falling down the stairs episodes the doc said, "well you did break you leg, it's going to be painful". Today he explained the procedure THE OTHER DOCTOR WOULD DO, he answered Nick's questions differently and wrote a "maximum recovery letter" stating, "It is to my best medical knowledge that Nicholas will always have a medical impairment that is highly likely."
We have had a second opinion appointment scheduled for next week all along because we knew something wasnt right, but this orthapedic was relunctant to take on Nicholas' care full time because he was someone else's patient. So now we hope that our doctor leaving the state will allow for him to do so and his care will be closer to home, with a much more trusted doctor. We thank you all for sticking by us through this journey and continuing to pray when we said something still isnt right. Please keep the prayers coming though, as today was a huge disappointment to Nicholas. The doctor said he feels he will never get back to competitve sports like he had been able to do before...it's going to be more of a "last man picked for the team" sort of activity now. And that took his hopes and confidence down quite a few degrees. So please please keep praying!!! I hate seeing him down and discouraged like this.

i thought, but I was wrong

I thought I was holding together pretty well lately. I have been having fun with the kids I work with. I have been definately enjoying all the new things Ashalyn is doing. I am amazed at how big she is getting and she just keeps getting cuter and cuter everyday with that little unique personality of hers. I have loved feeling Kynzie wiggle about inside of me. And believe it or not, those clothes that I swore I would never pull back out of the box....well, that too I have enjoyed. I have shed a few tears, but I have enjoyed it because I also realize the power God has in these circumstances.
But today at church I realize that I'm still not strong! In the restroom a very strong Christian woman came up to me and said she's been praying for us this past week. She doesnt know what has been going on but we got to talking and it just so happen to leak about the week we have had with Nick's leg. She too seemed very confused as to why it hasn't healed completely yet. As we were talking I had to fight back the tears.
It is so hard for me to sit back and watch him in so much pain still. He had days off for the holiday and he went with pretty limited pain. But those few days off were H*LL for him when he went back.
The first day back he came home and could barely walk by evening. He tries to hid his pain from everybody but people are starting to ask him about his limp. I see him cringe every night when he goes up the stairs to go to bed. I see him pick up his leg with his hands to try and get it to unlock and take it's first step after sitting for a while. I hear the little grunts and groans that he tries to keep in. And I see him sneak in some pain medicine on occassion here and there. So the other night, i finally told him he had to look at me and be 100 percent straight with me about everything. He teared up and finally admited a long over due on his pain.
I had a second opinion scheduled for him a while back, but he didnt go. He says that they aren't going to find anything different. The doctor he is seeing now and that did his surgery says, "you broke your leg in three places, it's going to hurt!" So, he feels like he needs to "man up" he says. Well, I've had enough. My poor husband is in sooo much pain still, 14 months later...something doesnt seem right. It's so hard to see him go through this. I've cried many times because I HATE seeing him like this and there being nothing I can do. But I try so hard to stay strong in front of him.
But hearing the words come from his mouth the other night of him giving up on ever being able to play basketball again or feel normal again. That is NOT okay with me! Nick is by no means a quitter and to hear that just stabbed at me. I'm crying now as I type this because I don't understand how or why he has to go through the physical pain yet too, especially since the emotional pain is still so so SO real to us every day!!
I have considered giving up on babysitting at home so I can carry the insurance and he can become a stay at home daddy and heal. He tells me I am crazy and he won't allow me to do that. He feels strongly that he is the guy and he needs to be the one working. I love him for that, really I do!! But I wish in this time of weakness (injury) for him he would let me step up!
I have become very frugel and concious of our spending and have learned a budget that works for us, so that my money is the extra's for us. But I have yet to figure out something to help with the pain and I HATE THAT!! I want to take it all away from him so that he can enjoy the little things again. Like I mentioned in a previous post, things such as running in after work to get kisses from his girls, playing ball with the guys, leg workouts, going to work everyday, and getting down on the floor to play with Ashalyn.
Anyways, this woman at church...she is such an inspiration and she took the time to notice our hurting hearts still and to pray with me right there in the restroom at church. It meant the world to me, to us!! But made me realize, in this world I am still very very weak. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for!! But at the same time I know and realize that there are many more tears to be shed.
I miss the days of being a smiley happy child had the job of just making people smile!! And my biggest worry was when someone didn't smile back!

What are you thankful for.....?

Sometimes in life it is extremely hard to look at the big picture and pick out the little things in life that we are thankful for. It's easy to say, Family, Friends and God.

But it's the little EVERYDAY things that get me thru this life. Don't get me wrong, I am ever so grateful for family, friends and God. But this life journey that I am on, has definately NOT gone as planned. So those little things that many tend to look past, are the things I am thankful for today on this Thanksgiving day!!
Just today I've thanked God for the laughs Ashalyn and I shared making brownies and cookies. For the giggles I heard coming from the bathtub as Nick gave Ashalyn her morning bath. For the morning kiss I got from a man who loves me unconditionally. For the chocolate on Ashalyn's nose after licking the brownie bowl. The tiny little footprints I feel on the wall of my stomach. And mostly for the ever protecting, warm arms of an amazing Father, that is holding my babies tight on this Thanksgiving day!

It is for these things that I am thankful. I am so thankful to have family and friends and God walking with and guiding me through this life...but it is the small things that come from these people that give me a reason to have faith in the unknown and in our future!!

WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR THIS HOLIDAY SEASON?????